AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

i also do this now, although I’ve retired now due to ill health. Are you able to apply for carers allowance? If you don’t, it may be worth it for your NI payments towards a full state pension if you’ve not yet reached the minimum for a full state pension

If a couple can afford it, and they both want it, then great.

I was bored at home, not enough to do, and wanted adult company more, so chose to work through the child rearing years, in the 80’s .

Other people feel differently. 🤷‍♀️

I'm currently a SAHM
I worked for pretty much 30 years barring maternity and redundancies.
I have 2 DC with SEN and related low school attendance. It got too hard to manage both of us working with at least one of them home every single day so I had to leave my job.
I dream of the "6 hours to yourself while they are at school" - that has happened just ONE day in this calendar year.
So yeah. If I have a slow day as I am today (3 loads of washing done and put away, multiple meals made, charity donations and food shopping top up done, tidying and cleaning bathrooms) maybe I am lazy. Or maybe I'm just resting a bit while I can.

Rubbish. Research shows that daughters raised my working mothers do better for themselves in employment and sons raised by working mothers are more equal partners when they have their own children because they grow up seeing the parenting and providing roles shared. Multiple studies have found that children of working mothers outperform the children of SAHM's because it demonstrates the ability to balance work and home responsibilities and models a strong work ethic. They also tend to be more respected by their children when they are adults too.

Anecdotally, I only know two SAHMs, both are lazy with school aged children but still refuse to work. Both are also poorly educated and both families struggle financially. They are perpetuating that cycle because the adult son of one treats his wife like a maid as he's never done anything for himself and he thinks laundry etc. is women's work and the school aged daughter has no ambition because she thinks work is optional and she doesn't want a job. She'll just have babies like her mum. And find some poor fucker to finance that I assume.

I think they’re naive and foolish to financial rely on another person. Of all my divorced friends the SAHMs are the ones who have really struggled financially and been stuck with a lifestyle much worse than anything they had a a single woman or married woman.

You are making a lot of assumptions. I would have been financially sound if my husband had left. Thankfully.

Lazy? No.

However, I personally associate being a SAHM as also choosing to be a housewife, and do wonder why so many SAHM are shocked that they have no time for themselves, left with the household chores and "mental load" and may struggle to find employment years later. Yes the DH or partner should do 50/50 when they are home from work/days off, but in reality that doesnt happen. Even if you have a proactive DH, the kids mostly want mum (in the early years) or the mum is too exhausted to do anything for themselves in the evening.

I'm talking about people who are SAHM through choice, not those who may have children with SEND, job loss or their salary does not cover childcare costs.

unfortunately of course it's often not as simple as just going back

Depends on the situation. 3 kids under 5, no you’re definitely not lazy as a stay at home parent- you’re probably exhausted!

2 teens in full time school with no additional needs? Yeah it’s probably easier being at home than at school because you’re on your own in a peaceful house for minimum 6 hours a day.

also depends on your job. You could be in a really stressful, exhausting job and think that being at home would be easier or a chilled low stress job which would definitely be easier than being home.

there are too many variables.

on SAHM threads I always see the same line about 'just look at all the posts on here from SAHM who's husbands and left and now they are buggered...'
but you know what I also see loads of posts about?
Married woman working full time and having husbands who still don't take on equal childcare / housework. Or they've been left and do work however still in trouble and have to make life changes because they can't afford to house or their lifestyle on their own.

I guess life comes with risks whatever we do!

Getting divorced is not lethal!

Your question is really, would you quit your job if there was a 42% chance you might have to go back to work at some point?

This thread is so obviously AI.

Whenever things get a bit quiet on AIBU ..... quick, bang out a title with 'SAHM' in it. Literally anything will do.

Then watch it go to 1000 posts with the same old tropes and insecurities, rehashed over and over and over. It's just to get user figures up.

If they have pre schoolers and are doing all childcare in an active way plus the rest of the domestics, I'd say they work very hard indeed . If their children are in school, less so. If they also have help, I'd say their lives are very easy indeed. That doesn't necessarily make them lazy though. Some fill the time with activities, excercise, community stuff etc.
I have met some very lazy people who work full time tbf. Always delegating, dodging and working at half pace. This is far worse as it impacts their colleagues. Whereas if a SAHP is lazy it only effects the partner who's keeping them, and that's their business.

But do you really think it was harder than if you were doing a job and had pressure to bring in income on top of the household duties?

Some sahp are quite lazy, some working parents are lazy too. Some humans are lazy.

a sahp could spend all day cleaning cooking meal prepping kin keeping etc for their family . Or they could sit on the sofa watching loose women and going on their phone. Most probably do a bit of both.
the sad thing is lots of working mums still have similar home workload to full time sahp so of course they are working harder and will feel resentful.

In real life, I know a few women who are SAH wives I guess, if that's even a description.

Never worked, never wanted to, never wanted children either 😂

Good for them, couples seem to be a hell of a lot happier than so many of the bitter posters on MN. (honestly, some of the posters on here are scary they are so angry and bitter)

I think once the kids are at high school, they’re more of a housewife/house husband. Looking after kids of school age is obviously a lot easier than pre school age. It’s a choice I would never make for myself but I don’t really care if they’re lazy or not, it doesn’t affect me.

Awful Post. Why?

In my social circle it was quite common to be a SAHM for a while at least, so everyone else knew how hard it was.

Isn’t this discussion about whether it’s unreasonable to think stay at home parents are lazy?

I don’t have to work, I bring in money but can do it on my terms, our whole household prefers this arrangement, I have lazy days, as does H, no amount of judgement from others is going to inspire me to drag my carcass out, get 5 weeks holiday a year for at most a tenth of what H earns.

Both H and I have a better lifestyle with our arrangement we absolutely are a team and both of us would be lost without the other. We both work hard to maintain this.

I know we are lucky in this day and age to have this choice. Or it may seem like luck from the outside, it isn’t entirely luck.

Well yes but you need to break down the numbers further

This includes second marriages (which are more likely to end in divorce as are 3rd, 4th ……)

If you marry younger more likely

If you have financial stresses more likely

Most things are a bit of a gamble. But a happy marriage and family, with no money worries, married a bit later to make sure, stay at home a decision both adults decide and respect, no where near 42%.

I am yet to meet a lazy mother or woman for that matter, I am sure they exist somewhere. All of my friends - working or not are flat out, so I don’t buy this at all in the real world!!

I think this is what causes so much debate.

In real life, I know no SAHMs at all. A handful of my friends work 4 days a week or 5 days compressed into 5. Otherwise everyone works full time.

I am on the PTA committee and every single volunteer we have works too.

I am sure there are some areas of the country that are as you described too - but for me the sahm thing is an 'only on Mumsnet thing'

it doesn't mean it's 42% of married man who ask for a divorce for a start.

This. Title is different to what you think.

However, no I don't think SAHM's are lazy. Someone needs to look after the children and so paying for another person/nursery to do it so a person can go to work isn't lazy.

Perhaps, it's easier to offload the children to another and go to work. Children can be very hard work, much harder than some of the management roles I've had.