AIBU to think SAHMs are lazy?

Why are you assuming it is the man insisting on separate finances? I would never be with a man who insisted on joint finances.

No it depends on the individual situation. For example caring for multiple young DC with complex medical needs, is very hard emotional and physical labour.

IMO a short term arrangement with a fair division between partners in general is better for equality in families and society.

SAHP do have significantly more leisure time if they have DC at school, so it depends what they do in that time - for example they could be running local community projects.

I had one child, when I was 43. It was a total triumph, we travelled for six months when he was eight, because DH survived a mahoosive health crisis.

But it's another thing having a baby with a man who insists on separate finances

the issue for me with joint finances and one earner is that the finances are only there until the earner decides otherwise. I am probably too paranoid due to what I have seen (in my professional life, luskily no personal experiences) and of course in many cases it works out just fine, but I am not personally comfortable with the risk.

It’s not about needing “uniform approval” I don’t need approval from anyone to be a SAHM the same way I don’t need to approve a WOHM.

but the arrogance of some posters who cannot seem to consider that a SAHM has a place in some families is baffling

My husband may earn the money, but I provide the food, clothes and shoes, etc with that money.
I am the one who does the shopping to provide those things, without me doing that, the money wound sit in my husband’s bank account.

i also provide them with with love, time, and experiences while my husband works.

i am an equal parent as my husband, it’s a shame your mind is too narrow to consider that

It's one thing wanting to feel you are not financially vulnerable. I completely get that obviously. But it's another thing having a baby with a man who insists on separate finances, even after you are married. If my daughters were ever in this type of relationship I would tell them to run for the hills. Literally run. If my son ever thought this was ok, I would feel we had failed as parents.

yes, different people have different opinions about what putting children first means. Therefore we also take our respective different decisions.

not how we have set up the finances, but that's not relevant here. I have observed that another person can choose to support you, but they can also choose to stop. And yes yes legally depending on the country they may have an obligation to support their spouse or the other parent during parental leave, but that's often not enforceable. I am not comfortable with this and want to make sure I am always personally able to financially support myself and my children, whether someone else contributes or not.

I have always assumed that when you decide to have children, your first responsibility was towards them and to support them first. If that means the family works better with one parent at home, and everybody is happy, surely it's good thing? No one is being a martyr, but if "supporting yourself" means not putting the child first when you could, why bother having children in the first place

So you have the baby with no expectation of being able to rely on the DH financially at all (if the need arises)? You expect to self-fund your maternity and that's it. He doesn't see any need to share finances with you, as the mother of his own child? Is this the idea?

I have always assumed that as an adult, it is my responsibility to support myself. Why would that change just because I had a child?

By this I mean that other families just see all monies as shared anyway, regardless of who earns what. So the decision to have a SAHM is 'can we afford it as a family?' Not 'you earn your money and I'll earn mine.'

You are the one who brought up 'being able to support yourself' after having a child. I'm trying to work out why you think you would need to?

Maybe explain why you’ve got such a bee in your bonnet about this? Are you someone who assumes women are always the lower-paid spouse and therefore need to be cushioned by their high-earning DHs or something? Or that women’s brains go to mush as soon as the placenta is delivered so they just SAH?

So separate then?

Why would having a baby make a difference to that?

I'm asking if you have shared finances - or separate?

We’re both highly-paid senior professionals. My maternity pay was my usual salary, so there was no issue of ‘having to live within it’. It was financially business as usual. It would never have occurred to me not to return to work — why would it?

No, I'm asking whether your DH shared finances with you after your child, or if you had to live entirely within your maternity pay. What if you hadn't wanted to return to work? Would he have supported you?

I mean, I had generously-paid maternity leave )from which I went back early). Are you asking me whether DH asked me to quit my job???

Judge judge judge judge judge judge !!! Why don’t people just realise every single house is different. Being a sahm was the best and stupidest thing I ever did. I was never ever ever lazy. Ever!!

I will give a caveat to sahms though- your dh will say you’re a team, joint money etc etc - I wish I’d realised a few years before I did most men don’t really believe this- they want to, try to, but just be absolutely ready- keep yourself employable. Be a sahm that can pivot (from a shop worker that was in a great job who isn’t part of a proper team anymore x )

Did your husband feel no responsibility at all to financially support you for a while after you had a child? Is he one of the 'my money is mine, yours is yours' delights we read about on AIBU (too often).

It will count a lot to their children.

My mother, who was an outstanding SAHM and housewife, is my biggest inspiration in life. I love hearing her story about her handing her notice in and staying home to be with me. I found her passion and commitment to motherhood inspiring. I can still remember everything we used to do together before I started school, and her always being there after school, during the school holidays, etc. She made my childhood incredible. She’d drop me off at clubs, attend every school event, have friends over, cook incredible dinners, support my revision as I got older. I had everything, so much emotional support and reassurance, because she gave her time. I never felt resented or that she’d rather be elsewhere. I always had someone to listen. We remain very close.

I told my mum the moment I had my first child that my aspiration as a mother is to give my children the experience she gave me. I am so happy and grateful for the childhood I had. My mum, who actually does work now, was always the most successful woman I know.

You are spot on, and really appreciate your carefully considered and nuanced view on this.

I agree- parents or paid cleaners picking up after children breeds entitlement irrespective of gender. It is really important for children to join in with age-appropriate chores from the outset. 18 month olds are capable of picking up and dropping toys into a box and finding their own shoes, hat, etc.

Excellent point about what modelling actually means and looks like within homes.