AIBU not to thank BIL and SIL for a belated birthday card

Problem is op when you where offering all this help and wanting to babysit and play with the children you where child free and made that choice.

They don’t have the same spare time or money in that sense as they are currently raising their children now.

It’s often the case like dh’s sister she was basically begging to have our child and take them places and do things and spending a fortune of them. None of it did we ever ask for but she was the fun single aunty with spare time and cash, it made her happy.

By the time she had her children we were three children deep with full on schedules and their costs, as well as our car being full so we can’t offer to take theirs out with us either.

Don’t get me wrong they get invited round for full on family bbqs and if we have a shared beach day will offer to buy them an ice cream and such but it’s not any deeper than that.

Netcurtainnelly

Actually that’s very not true- I work retail, the rest of my family are nurses or work in hospitals. You can’t make time if some of ye are working nights the other end of the country and some of ye work every weekend bar one a month while all of your kids go to school so no free time during the week. Thinking someone doesn’t love you just because life has made you all too busy to see each other is what’s gone wrong with the world imo

But they’re not in the same position you were, because they already have 2 children of their own to look after, surely you can see that? In fact you basically say that since having your own DC you haven’t been in a position to help them anymore, so you clearly understand that adding children into the mix changes things. Equally, from their perspective, as soon as you had your own DC your interest in your DN’s dropped off a cliff. If anyone is treating the relationship as transactional in this situation, I’m afraid it seems to be you.

If you were a happy close family, that wanted to be together, you wouldn't be too busy
It's an excuse saying your busy.
The passion, want and desire to meet up just isn't there.

But whatever you both decide to do or not to do it will be DH texting so I’d ask him what he prefers to say.
Do you think BIL was probably meant to leave it at the GPs 4 months ago and just realised what the crumpled envelope in the glovebox actually is?

Also, forget the ‘transaction’ aspect. You were happy to help out and shouldn’t be keeping a tally. You’re sounding like the pathetic posters on here who say, mum, you sacrificed everything for me for 30 years but because you won’t drop everything to babysit now I’m not going to help you later on. Don’t be that person!

Forget it and move on. It's not a happy, close family relationship . If there wasn't another house to leave a card at you probably wouldn't have even got one.

A "thank you for the card" would be the easiest.

I don't know why they are suddenly ignoring you, it's weird but nothing you can do.

You might be a bit over optimistic to have expected help, you were available, they are not not. Your baby is less than 2 years, why would they even offer to help when they are already busy with their own and you only have one?

zero help offered the way I helped the. With baby sitting and pick ups etc. that's too much expectations, sorry.

Do adults really do this? The kid doesn’t know or care and perhaps the BIL and SIL weren’t aware that the OP only volunteered to help on the understanding that they would repay it.

@TTC0405 I may be wide of the mark here, and I mean this kindly but by your username, is it accurate to think that you had issues with conceiving and/or you have PFB syndrome?

We’ve all fallen away from each other in my family, now we’re at the stage where we see each other when we can and remember presents the odd year because we’re just all so busy. Unfortunately from talking to friends this is the way life goes with many. You can accept it or just go on yourself but I love them so we do keep in contact even if it’s not often enough and all the kids probably think their aunties and uncles are crapper now! (My kids and theirs!)

Sorry though, it took a bit of getting used to for me too

Yes this!

Tbf it does sound transactional. You say you gave them help because you wanted to and you enjoyed it. And now you are annoyed that they aren’t doing the same.

Surely you realise that they are not in a similar position because they already have kids.

In future, if you are keeping some kind of mental ledger to make sure people pay back favours, it’s probably not worth offering to help in the first place.

Your child wouldn’t know what a birthday is at this point so they won’t care either way unless you make it a thing.

Send a half hearted thankyou in 4 months time!

On the plus side, it’s not like the child will notice, given they are too young to understand the birthday thing.

I think you should send them a list of all the things you have done for them and explain they need to pay you back now. Because it’s obviously festering that you did them favours (presumably against your own wishes) and they may not know that.

Otherwise, why would you be so transactional?

I couldn’t get that worked up over it tbh. I still have my brother’s gifts here from Christmas 😅 we just haven’t seen each other.

I know he has mine and he was out with the mother when he purchased them as well.

I would either not thank them at all or message “thanks for leaving XX’s birthday card at grandparents hard to believe she is nearly 1 and a half”

I wouldn’t be bothering about gifts for theirs and would follow suit and leave a card at grandparents from now on.

Stop buying for their kids.

Stop buying presents for their kids. Matchbthe level of effort!

Do they know they are expected to pay back all the help you gave them? Perhaps they don’t realise.

When I saw your thread title, I thought you were going to say a week or so belated, but 4 months is just insulting. It’s just going to go straight into the recycling bin, isn’t it? Waste of (not much) effort, money and cardboard.

Respectfully, OP, you were childfree and presumably had ample free time when you helped out with their children, and you did it voluntarily. They already had two children by the time you had a baby — were you really anticipating they would have time for the same kind of input you did?

Stop with the presents.
They aren't interested.
Let them off.

Firstly, I don't think thanks are usually given for a card, and secondly, you haven't received it yet. So even if you were extra polite, you haven't got anything to be polite about.
Thirdly, as another poster said, the spouse whose family this is should be the one to make any comment. I agree that it's likely to be 2 brothers. Maybe the SiL has told her DH that he needs to be responsible for his own family's cards and presents.
It is pretty unpleasant that they were both happy to accept help from you but have dropped you now you are no longer up for childcare. It's happened to me more than once, and whilst I think it's probably that people are wrapped up in their own lives especially after they have DC, it's still hurtful.

Really similar experience. My brother had 3rd child a few months before my first. He claimed that I deliberately got pregnant when they were expecting to take the shine off ther family. It didn’t matter that I was in my early 30s and wanted to make a start on my own family, I guess I should have waited for theirs to turn 1 or something before trying?

Looking back I think part of the resentment stemmed from the fact they were relying on me to provide free childcare once SIL returned to work, and it obv scuppered their plans (and finances). It was never discussed but I wouldn’t be surprised if my brother had had it all mapped out and assumed things would go to plan despite not telling me what said plan was.

Needless to say for all his babies I bought thoughtful gifts and cards for their births and subsequent birthdays… he bought one of my kids the same present twice on 2 separate occasions (as in 2 presents the same twice over 4 bdays/xmas). I think he really resented me becoming a parent bc it threatened to take the focus off him and his family for a bit and he refused to even meet my 2nd til they were a few months old. He was the golden child and expected all his kids to be golden grandchildren - which they were until I had my own. All the family occasions we all celebrated together dwindled as soon as I became a parent and had my own kids bc he wasn’t ‘special’ any more and I found I was the one organising everything until I stopped bothering. I love his kids but hate the fact that he enjoyed everyone doting on them while they were small and now the tables have turned he can’t be arsed to show the slightest interest. He’s a massive shit all round if that wasn’t already clear 😂

I sympathise OP.