AIBU to want my own bedroom after years of sharing?

Gosh @Backawayfromthesausage

@SylvanMoon was hardly defensive, in fact I would go further and if my DH had centred his own needs and ego like @Weald56 I would have booted him out myself!

Can no one read?
Women are describing persistent lack of sleep with snoring husbands who wont do anything about it
Ita akin to torture, it destroys relationships and anger and resentment build
I was heading for a breakdown
I gave zero fucks about intimacy @Backawayfromthesausage I was in survival mode fearing for my mind, my job and my health

Women are not robots, they are flesh and blood, usually bearing caring burdens one way or another
There was also the upside that I no longer had to experience my DH less than appealing habits😬
Intimacy not just seximproved, sleep was bliss , arguments and snappiness ceased
But there was something else
I had space to be myself again, instead of being a role others assigned me ,after years of demands on me, sex, pregnancy, breastfeeding, children touching me all bloody day, I could just stretch out alone and be me, get dressed and do my make up alone, sleep, read,just lie down and admire my lovely room and just be...

Heaven absolute heaven

We have separate rooms after sharing a bed for 35 years. Snoring the main issue plus DH goes to sleep immediately whereas I need to read for as long as I want. When adult DCs come to stay we have to share and I resort to Nytol, earplugs and a gin anaesthetic. And go to bed first to read.

YANBU

I’d definitely go for it.
Just be really kind when you ‘sell’ it to him.

Wow defensive much, the poster is allowed an opinion. No idea why you saw your arse over it.

Glad you're not my husband! Actually, it was my DH who suggested we try sleeping in separate rooms over 20 years ago. Should I have made plans to leave him then? We're still very happily married and both of us are very satisfied with our improved sleep and it hasn't adversely affected our relationship. You should try it!

I would be very sad if this happened to us, we have a super king though and I wear earplugs, but I think there is an intimacy in sleeping together that I’d be sad to lose. So definitely not for me. I see our room as that, ours which means also mine, I certainly don’t understand the whole I’ve got to share thing. I’m afraid I’d assume the marriage lacked closeness and was more a house snare co parenting agreement,

We did this, then had a spare bedroom. We usually started off each night together but rarely woke up together, he would wake in the night and go to spare room, or I couldn’t get t9 sleep and would go thee. Different sleeping patterns. It worked for us! We were lucky as after the children left h9me we had 4 bedrooms, all got used! 😊 then in recent years after he had a stroke he wanted to sleep separately, I missed the going to bed together and reading chatting till lights out, but totally used to my own bed now. I’d love to be able to go back to the old pattern though- that was the best of both worlds.

I've been married for more than half a century, but we have each had our own bedroom and bathroom for the last 20 odd years. This explains why we are still married.

It began so that we could accommodate our work schedules - we both had jobs where there was a lot of travel and very early starts. But there was also the side issue of my husband's snoring and even more crucially, his smoking. Once the kids had left home there was no reason for me to put up with sleeping in a smoky atmosphere and the ghastly tobacco stink that permeated the bedding and my clothes. My husband wasn't too happy about it at first, but since he wasn't prepared to stop smoking, I went ahead anyway.

After a short time he started to enjoy the freedom he gained to sleep and wake to his own schedule, to turn out the light when he was ready and to enjoy the luxury of stretching out in much bigger space. Neither of us would ever contemplate sharing a room again now - we sleep much better, enjoy early nights and lie-ins whenever we wish and the time we do spend together is all the better for it.

Go for it OP - you'll be surprised to learn how common this is amongst long married couples once their children have flown the nest!

Me and my DH have had our own rooms for years, I do end up sharing with our DC as they come in with me to sleep but love my own space! Do it!

This sounds like my bedroom despite having a husband who shares it 🤣

I love it too! Every day's a holiday! 💝

I love my feminine energy bedroom. No compromise, just mine. Bedside table bit cluttered with my potions. Pile of my books on the floor. My perfume collection on display. Loads of pillows!

go for it, op, quality of life boost, for sure.

I love my room, it's like a giant hug when I go in and close the door. All decorated for me, no sign of a man in there. It's fine, it doesn't interrupt intimacy or any other crap people come up with and it means you get on with each other so much better as you sleep well.

They get used and usually find they sleep better as well. I don't think husband would want me back in there

I moved into a spare room some years ago, when I had a cough that was keeping both of us awake.

I have never moved back - we are both getting on a bit now, so there are frequent up and downs for wees, which can also disturb the other.

I don’t sleep well, so read a lot in bed, and even the light from my Kindle could disturb dh. It’s lovely to stretch out or starfish in a king size, only trouble is when guests are here, and I have to move to the spare single!

You can still meet up for a cuddle in the morning…

Last year after I had a bad accident and 2 operations my husband and I moved into separate bedrooms so he wouldn’t accidentally kick my injured leg.
I have always been a night owl, wandering the house, reading etc so it was actually good for both of us. He got to sleep uninterrupted and I got to sit up in bed reading, listening to music and drinking cuppas at all hours.
Once I recovered from my injuries we decided we both preferred separate bedrooms and have stuck with it.
Neither of us was offended or felt shunned by the other. After 5+ decades of marriage we definitely still love each other but enjoy separate bedrooms.

It’s surprising the number of other couples we know who sleep in separate rooms especially when one partner is a snorer!

No you are not wrong to want your own space.

This ^ I’m a light sleeper and husband snores. Even when he doesn’t snore, I will still wake multiple times in the night with him tossing and turning. This was my reason to move him into the spare room. Soooooo much better!

Since menopause I have been snoring like a train, my husband has to get up for work at 4.30am, so I compromised and went into the upstairs spare room (if he went upstairs, he would wake me moving around in the kitchen and bathroom early in the mornings as 'our' bedroom is downstairs) I bought a small double bed and re-decorated the room. I sleep downstairs every Friday night and Saturday night and it suits us both as we both get sleep during the week, and can catch up with sleep if we need to on the weekend. Maybe you could tell him, he's snoring and you have to move out😂

OK, I mean I disagree that someone should martyr themselves if they're not happy and know that they'll never be happy in whatever the situation is (you said he can't give you what you need), but it's your life!

I'm definitely a fan of separate bedrooms, I haven't lived with a man for so long that I can't bear them sleeping in my bed. Sex, cuddle, then bye bye 😂

Well I wouldn’t plan to take over the room of someone only just going to uni, I’d see how they settle in first and wait at least until they get to the stage where they have a house. It’s quite usual to boomerang.

But when we moved DH got his own room, not to sleep in but game, hobbies etc. He has shared a room all his life and it was a really big deal to him. Neither of us would want to sleep separately though.

YANBU
My husband is a dreadful snorer. We have had separate bedrooms for a few years now. I think otherwise our marriage would not have survived. We have visiting rights of course 😂
I like to read at night, he looks at his phone & the light from it is annoying.
We recently went on holiday and booked two hotel rooms, amazing and relaxing.
36 years and still mad for him (but not the sound effects at night).

Chap here (married for over 40 years) - I have to say if Mrs Weald56 wanted to decamp to sleep in a spare room in a permanent basis (not just during an illness, say), then I'd (sadly) conclude our marriage was in effect over and start making post marriage plans.

Best thing we did. I have central sleep apnea after a stroke & the machine drives himself crazy, I like dark & quiet. He has restless legs, sleeps dreadfully, always has since a child, he likes TV or music plus a lamp on most of the night as he wanders about due to insomnia. I swear it saved our marriage. It's only sleeping... Doesn't mean you can't visit each others rooms ... However he always visits me, as apparently my room is far nicer... Yes not full of geeky sci fi stuff, dust & generally cluttered, something we always disagreed about.

Not being unreasonable at all I moved out to the spare room about a year ago. I just felt that I wasn’t sleeping well all that perimenopause stuff and stuff and I just wanted to be able to have a good night sleep. I was constantly worried that I was sweating or facing the wrong direction or having my knee in the wrong place so I took it upon myself to start sleeping in the spare room. Yes he was upset. He took offence but you know what? I just said. I’m not a nice person. If I don’t have good sleep got nothing to do with you and more to do with me and the fact that I’m really valued my my sleep in space right now. We decided that we would share a room on the weekends when sleep wasn’t as important and then also I will sleep in a separate bed if he comes home late at night. Why come home late at night or there’s a reason to? I think it’s all really about communication.