AIBU to stop my abusive adult son returning home from university?

Just wondering how you’re getting on OP?

How are you OP? Is everything ok

Give it time @Notmynameforthis
Distance will help the dust to settle and hopefully one day he will genuinely feel full of remorse and apologise.

You’re stuck in a truly horrific situation OP - I’m so sorry. You mention you’ve relented in the past, what’s to stop you from doing that again at Christmas? Do you have others who can help keep you accountable? After all, once he realises you really mean it this time, he might react in unpredictable ways e.g threaten to harm himself etc. Abusers really do not like boundaries so you will need to be prepared for that.

It’s very worrying that you say he wishes you were dead. Just a few more days and then you can move forward with your lives.

Agree with this. Moving away and cutting off all contact might be a trigger for an even greater level of violence. I’m a fan of setting immigrate boundaries though - affirm that he is your son and you love him but you will no longer tolerate this behaviour. And like the PP above says, you’d be open to a future relationship if he changes but for now, it’s over and out.

I totally understand. I name changed, for the first time ever because I wanted to remain anonymous.
It's one of the hardest things in life to realise that a child you have loved and cared for just doesn't seem to like you, I know this from personal experience.

My situation with my son is well known in the family, no one can understand why he has cut us (me and my husband) out of his life.

I sense your situation is between just the three of you, and that must make it harder to deal with. The violence, which I never experienced, makes it even harder, and I do understand how hard that must be to talk about.

All I can do is wish you and your husband peace in the future.

I am so glad that you reached out to this thread and took a little comfort or strength from it. It’s a very difficult situation. How do you plan to enact the estrangement? Will you fade him out? Block his number - tell him to his face?

Don’t lose hope that he will come back to you one day, a reformed character.

But for now, you are doing the right thing making him stand on his own two feet and fending for himself. It’s the only way to learn …by making mistakes and having to think where he’s going wrong.
His time away from you both and away from your help will be invaluable to him.
Wishing you all the best.

How are you doing love?
How many days before he departs?
Has he calmed down now?
Hope you are okay x 💐

Agree with @dontblameyouself

You don't understand the situation until you are in their shoes.

Absolutely @dontblameyouself

Victim blaming.
Sometimes nature overrides nurture. Parents can do everything right and still have an offspring who is vile to them.
It could be influences of people he mixed with when he was old enough to make his own choices; it could be something in his head isn't wired right, he could just have a very nasty streak, and his parents are on the end of his nastiness, who knows?
Whatever, his parents need help, not blame.

When you took his dirty dishes upstairs did you actually expect him to wash them, because I can’t imagine that many aggressive young men would? Call the police now and report the bruising and kick him out.

The only person that should be ashamed is the little heathen abusing his parent/parents

Id phone police and get him out and make it crystal clear he's not coming back and the financial support stops.

Re the suggestions for the parents to change the locks or move house: if the former, then wouldn’t he try and break in and be even more violent, and if the latter then the parents would be permanently living in fear that he would track them down to their new home.

You do realise this is a much bigger issue. Child to parent abuse has long been written about and whole charities set up for it.

OP this charity are amazing, you need to self refer and they will give you a lot of help and support. https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

The more I think about this man being loose in a University setting the more worried I am for anyone he comes into contact with. If you don’t report him you will be culpable for anything he does to anyone else. You have a moral duty to do everything you can to stop him.

I wouldn't wait till he graduates. He is physically abusive and a real danger to them.

Victim blaming.

You are of course 100% correct. However most parents are there from day 1. They say a childs main characteristics are formed before they are 14. Between the age of 1 & 14 most parents, regardless of father/mother are capable of teaching their child it is wrong to use physical violence against their parents. At a young age they are much easier to convince of this without any need for physical intervention. In fact i only ever once acted aggressively towards my mother and my father didnt need to touch me to convince me my next action would dictate how my short and long term future would pan out for me. I never raised a finger to my mother ever again. I was about 13 years old at the time.

This young man, with all his problems has gone way past being persuaded to change his ways. His father has failed to protect his wife from this abuse and the OP has failed the DS by allowing him to get away with it for so long.

It now need police intervention to pass the problem on to someone else. Regardless of Mother and fathers failings they do not deserve to live in fear in their own home.

Granted that his only interest in you is as a punch bag and ATM please make sure he knows he gets nothing in your will!

You need to call the police so it is on record. It is one thing you can do that might stop a future partner being subjected to abuse, or might support a future conviction.