Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think the birthday weekend away counts as her gift?

55 replies

Kotor8 · 28/07/2026 07:38

We’re a group of 6 friends who are all celebrating a big birthday this year. A few of us have had them already and been gifted a gift of £150 ish (split by the group). The ones who have already celebrated have thrown their own party.
One friend wanted to go away for the weekend with us and some of her other friends so we’ve spent £140 on accommodation each and will obviously spend more bringing food/drink etc. She has chosen everything and we just sent over money.

AIBU that this is her gift? I think I must be as a couple of the other ladies have said we need to get her a present as well… am I being a tightwad?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
KiwiFall · 30/07/2026 12:44

I think people are being unkind to you a bit. I am assuming another £150 is a considerable amount to you (as is for most people).

You thought the trip was going to be free (a present from her family) so in that scenario you would have paid £150 no problem for a separate gift.

Now you have to pay £140 for this trip. Other friends have paid for their own party or whatever they wanted to do.

I would buy a gift but if you can’t afford to spend another £150 then just be honest with her, if a friend she should understand and just buy something for her to open or some champagne.

TorroFerney · 30/07/2026 12:27

ShetlandishMum · 28/07/2026 18:50

Tbh I agree but would bring something inexpensive.

And I say no to most of these things. £200 for a weekend (+ food? + transport?) is a lot already and then £ to a present too.

Edited
Show quote history

I think this is a valid point. Op you are describing things like you have no agency - when the free weekend was suddenly not anymore then that was when you could have said you didn’t want to spend the money so you’d give it a miss.

MellersSmellers · 30/07/2026 11:57

tfu · 28/07/2026 07:41

I think yes you get a gift for her - doesn’t have to be expensive.

If it was me, I would love to have a weekend away with my friends and would most certainly treat that as the gift. A birthday cake and some fizz at some point over the weekend would be nice to mark the occasion, nothing more

99bottlesofkombucha · 30/07/2026 09:51

Kotor8 · 28/07/2026 08:06

Her parents were gifting her money to cover her birthday celebrations. I think this has happened but she’s chosen to do something more expensive so we’ve paid the remainder

She’s subsiding you going?? You need a gift!!

dontmalbeconme · 30/07/2026 09:47

Kotor8 · 30/07/2026 09:21

@dontmalbeconme no I did accept as I love my friend and want to spend time with them.

I only started this thread as I said if I had known people had spent a lot of money for them to attend something to celebrate me I personally wouldn’t expect a gift. The gift for me would be everyone making the effort to come to together to do what I wanted to celebrate with me.

From this thread I understand that’s an unusual view to have but I don’t think makes me a bad friend

You spent money on a trip for you, because you wanted to go on a trip.

Your friend's parents also spent money on a trip for you, for which you should be extremely grateful.

Your friend and her parents sound extremely generous. You on the other hand sound tight, grabby and ungrateful.

Bestfootforward11 · 30/07/2026 09:37

Why don’t you all chip in for a bunch of flowers and take a nice photo of you all when you’re there and get a frame for it.

Original poster
Kotor8 · 30/07/2026 09:21

@dontmalbeconme no I did accept as I love my friend and want to spend time with them.

I only started this thread as I said if I had known people had spent a lot of money for them to attend something to celebrate me I personally wouldn’t expect a gift. The gift for me would be everyone making the effort to come to together to do what I wanted to celebrate with me.

From this thread I understand that’s an unusual view to have but I don’t think makes me a bad friend

OP posts:
dontmalbeconme · 30/07/2026 09:06

Kotor8 · 30/07/2026 08:48

It’s her parents paying - they are also gifting her a property in France as her other birthday gift. Another friend of ours has just had surprise twins and struggling to afford nursery fees. The imbalance was what I was querying - I’m surprised people can’t understand how spending £200+ for one person is slightly unfair to the rest of the group.
I’ve bought her a hamper from her favourite shop so it’s all been sorted now.

You're not spending £200 on her, you are spending it on YOU. How are you not grasping this?

You realise you didn't have to accept the subsidised holiday if you didn't want to?

You sound jealous and a bad friend tbh

xOlive · 30/07/2026 08:56

So you all usually end up with a joint gift around £150 for your birthdays but this friend has had each person spend £200 to celebrate with a weekend away and gifts on top? And the £200 was only requested/mentioned after the trip was booked?
I’d say she’s a cheeky cow 😂 she had a birthday weekend away paid for by her parents (who have also bought her a holiday home?!) but she used their money to turn it into a more expensive trip which now needs reimbursing from her friends. 100% cheeky cow.

Original poster
Kotor8 · 30/07/2026 08:48

It’s her parents paying - they are also gifting her a property in France as her other birthday gift. Another friend of ours has just had surprise twins and struggling to afford nursery fees. The imbalance was what I was querying - I’m surprised people can’t understand how spending £200+ for one person is slightly unfair to the rest of the group.
I’ve bought her a hamper from her favourite shop so it’s all been sorted now.

OP posts:
dontmalbeconme · 30/07/2026 08:42

Kotor8 · 28/07/2026 19:30

but it is kinda for her as we’re paying to make sure she has the celebration she wants. Interesting that the voting is 50/50. Anyway I’ve said a couple of times that a gift is being bought

Oh yes, you are so kind to allow her to pay for part of your trip away.

No, it's no "for her". It's for everyone going.

JMSA · 30/07/2026 01:46

Get a gift.

montysmaw · 30/07/2026 00:39

Kotor8 · 28/07/2026 08:06

Her parents were gifting her money to cover her birthday celebrations. I think this has happened but she’s chosen to do something more expensive so we’ve paid the remainder

So she is paying at least partially for you to go away, with her parents money? She is subsiding you and you don't want to buy a gift?

morselover69 · 30/07/2026 00:24

you are a cheapscape, at least get her a colin the caterpillar

Pippa12 · 29/07/2026 22:16

If somebody organised me a weekend away ie: accommodation, transport, food etc and all I had to do was send over £200 id be chuffed to bits. Surely you’re just turning up to have a bloody good time in the name of her birthday! If you begrudged going you should have declined the invite!

Id be getting her a gift, and probably a bunch of flowers for her to say thanks for organising.

Put all this to the back of your mind and enjoy every second!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/07/2026 21:54

I think get her something small and sentimental. You’re going to have a fun weekend away with your friends, you’re not paying for something you don’t want to do. Her bday is just the excuse for this weekend away.

21ZIGGY · 29/07/2026 21:38

This post has made me realise that in the year, me and my 5 friends turned 40 we bought everyone else a gift except for me. However we went to benidorm for my 40th but for others, we went to northern ireland and london, and then for 2 of the group we had a joint weekend in manchester, which was very cheap because that's where most of us are from, including me.

Anyway the gift isn't the issue i was delighted everyone came

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 29/07/2026 21:01

Yes. Get her a box of chocolates.
You've forked out enough.

CrawlingBackToYou · 29/07/2026 20:45

Yeah get her a gift too - you will be benefitting from the trip and the food/drink bought so not really her gift at all.

ScreentimeInTheMeantime · 29/07/2026 20:29

No it’s not her gift. You get the benefit of staying in the accommodation, eating the food etc : you’re paying for your own stuff! And it sounds like she had subsidised you, too

Buffs · 29/07/2026 20:21

Absolutely give her a present! More so as you’re a receiving a subsidized trip.

vickylou78 · 29/07/2026 19:46

Your saying that your weekend away is her gift???

Original poster
Kotor8 · 28/07/2026 19:30

but it is kinda for her as we’re paying to make sure she has the celebration she wants. Interesting that the voting is 50/50. Anyway I’ve said a couple of times that a gift is being bought

OP posts:
dontmalbeconme · 28/07/2026 19:11

Kotor8 · 28/07/2026 19:06

Not sure if we are paying to cover her or not. She’s chosen the accommodation then asked us to transfer. Also not sure if she’s expecting a gift.
I can see others point of view, I just thought it creates a bit of an imbalance as we can’t afford to do this for everyone’s birthday

But you're not paying this for her, you're paying (part of) the cost of a weekend away for you, food and drinks for you, and activities for you.

caringcarer · 28/07/2026 19:07

Kotor8 · 28/07/2026 08:06

Her parents were gifting her money to cover her birthday celebrations. I think this has happened but she’s chosen to do something more expensive so we’ve paid the remainder

Wow, so birthday girl is in fact subsidising others on trip. Definitely you buy her a gift.