Blended family finances

I think you are contributing too much towards the upkeep of his children. They have two parents who should be paying for their phones and pocket money - especially if he is paying £150pw in CM - which seems high if you have them 50% of the time. Don't let the money you've spent on legal fees be the reason to continue with the house purchase, this could end up costing you much more.

Whilst I agree you should protect your deposit, he can still be an equal party in discussions about renovations and so on.

The reason people say (non-blended) families should share finances is because money = power, and power imbalances are really corrosive to relationships. But I think you can take conscious steps to keep the power balance equal even while you own different proportions of the house.

This is a good point. When a friend of mine (with adult non dependent kids) split from his non-working wife, he ended up giving her 55% of the house and he kept 45% because she had a disability).

Yes they were married but I would still suggest that if your partner has a health condition you might want to be even more careful about how you ring fence assets.

Either ring fence your deposit (make sure you get legal advice) or otherwise both of you put £50k in and you keep the rest of your money and save it. If you end up staying together long term you can always use it later to pay off the mortgage. If you split then it gives you some capital to either buy him out or get a new place of your own.

The fact he is calling you selfish and acting hurt shows an incredible amount of ungratefulness on his part. This alone would make me sit up and wonder what else he will feel is 'selfish' from you.

He might have a brain injury, but it hasn't stopped him taking the piss. How fortunate for him and his ex that you came along. I don't give my own dd12 80 a month, let alone pay her phone on top of it - and I can well afford it. I wonder what else will be expected of you, clothes and phone today, university fees and house deposits tomorrow..

Even if he begrudgingly agrees to the tenants in common, he has displayed selfishness and a lack of appreciation I would struggle to get passed. He and his ex-wife are taking full advantage of you IMO.

do NOT go joint with him. I am with my partner, no children, no plans to get married.

I absolutely ring fenced my deposit - I will get back a % of the house if we sell and break up in future. There is absolutely no reason for you NOT to ring fence your deposit, other than him thinking that he'd like to get more than his fair share if you break up.

You ring fencing the deposit you've put in changes nothing about the realities of you living there.

I don’t want to drop out of this purchase, it has taken a lot for us to get here and we have already spent quite a bit of money on legal fees, surveys etc.

Take this completely out of your decision making OP. It's "sunk costs fallacy" talking. The decision on whether to buy with this man or not should be a decision based on who he is, not how much you've already invested in the venture.

I've been in relationships with men who think me looking after my own interests is selfish. It never ends well because it shows how they feel an underlying entitlement to everything I have and to being put first above my own needs. It isn't selfish at all to protect your assets. I wouldn't buy with him just because he's called you selfish, it's a red flag. You're performing mental gymnastics to excuse him. If he was hurt, he could say he was hurt, instead you're assuming that's what's behind it as a way to make what he's actually said more palatable to you and allow you to forgive him. He didn't say he was hurt you weren't 100% convinced of the longevity of the relationship, he said you were selfish. Mental who call you names and attack your character when they can't get their own way aren't as great as they seem to be.

You’re being used

do not buy with him
buy it yourself and he can pay rent

I'd be concerned that he thinks you're selfish for taking a perfectly reasonable stance on this. Why is he not making some attempt to understand your point of view? You're being hurried into a hasty decision because you don't want to lose the property and let's not pretend he doesn't know that. There will always be another house but once your inheritance is gone, that's it.

While the legal advice is sound, I think it is hard buying a joint owned home in unequal shares in a long term relationship. The party with a significantly small sharer share will obviously feel insecure as it's all about the division not about building a shared home. . If you are not going to marry, then why are you buying together?

The law commission is currently looking into the inequality experienced by ' ' common law' unmarried partners so things might end up differently if you split in the future, especially if his needs, while he has dependents, may be greater than yours ..

I think you might be getting some harsh responses about your DP, but if in doubt, just match his deposit and then keep your saving separate. You’ll take a bigger mortgage but you’ll protect yourself

When my husband and I bought our house (pre marriage) my DH provided the whole deposit. The solicitor suggested to my DH that I sign a document to ensure if anything happened, he would be entitled to all of his money back - I signed it happily. It was not my money and I had no interest in trying to take it. I also believed we were together for the right reasons and as such, it would never become an issue anyway. If he’s upset about it that would indicate that it is about the money for him. As someone who was in the other side of this situation, stick to your guns and protect your deposit.

If he wants joint tenants then you say you will withdraw your grandads money and say you will keep that in savings and just match his deposit so you are putting in the exact same each. His response to that will tell you all you need to know.

You already contribute more and now he wants half of inherited money? Nah, it's not your responsibility to bankroll him. He isn't even on a poor wage himself!

If you were married and/or had children together then perhaps it would be different. But in this case you already bring more to the table financially plus offer financial and I presume emotional and physical care for his children. His response to which is to feel you also owe him a gift of thousands of pounds?

What amazing contribution does he make to your life to warrant being bank rolled?

Absolutely do not be pressured to do what he wants. Any decent solicitor should absolutely advise against it. If he wants to buy with you your contributions must be ringfenced as well as the % of future increase in value - eg you get a higher % to reflect your contribution.

See the OP’s latest post.

a long term relationship, living together with bills etc is pretty much the same as being married and marriage vows traditionally say ‘and in sickness & in health’

OP is actually displaying such good relationship behaviours, its rare on mumsnet for a step mum to even like the kids never mind treat them as their own. Same with pocket money, am sure it wasn’t always as much.

The OP actually sounds like she has a loving family, both her and DP clearly are a team and support each other, this is actually what most people want in life

THIS! Biggest risk of Joint tenants. Great link Btw.

You need a deed of trust with what was contributed as a % each and tenants in common or tell him to jog on.

Blended family here and although it was 50/50 I still insisted on a DOT and the TIC wasn't up for negotiation as we both have kids and our estates protected for each of our childern.

The fact he's mewing about Joint tenants and 50/50 would be a BIG RED FLAG.

My deed of trust protected the 50k I put in extra against my husband when we divorced. Best money I've ever spent. Poor little pickle must have shed a tear when he realised that was off the table.

I am actually shocked at this. Of course your deposits need to be ringfenced! Increase in value would be split. Anything else would be horrendous financial advice. I am concerned he doesn't want this and even more concerned that he is calling YOU selfish over this. I'd have a serious chat and a rethink to be honest. And I am in a blended family situation as well.

It’s so good to hear from someone who knows what’s right and is sticking to their guns.

I don't understand why you are buying together.

You don't want to get married, you don't want to share finances so a family home purchase seems the wrong move imo.

You are complicating things in a way it seems you don't want to and are not obliged to do.

The only "sense" I can make of it is that it allows you to purchase a property that exceeds what you could have afforded were it your own investment, so I guess maybe that might be a bit where he is coming from.

Personally, I think you are asking for trouble ...

I can understand why you would seek reassurance. So here it is. You. Are. Not. Being. Unreasonable. Stay true to yourself and to your principles. Do not wilt in the face of any sulking or carping from your DP. He sounds much more ‘money conscious’ than you. Your good nature shines through in your post. Don’t let it become your weakness. Best wishes.

I’ve been with my partner who is the father to our children for 20 years. He is shit with money, I earn more and I never want to get married due to his shit money habits. I purchased the house in my name. He will be looked after if I die first but no way am I tying myself to him financially with a house and marriage. He could make the effort to curb his spending and shit money habits, he does not so I protect myself and our kids with separate finances.
why are you even buying together, it sounds like a bad idea For you, excellent idea for him.
protect yourself as you never know what might happen in the future.

Whys he paying £600 CM a month if he has the kids 50/50? He shouldn’t pay anything.

I think your request is very reasonable. Don't back down. In fact I'd be thinking twice about the joint house purchase. He is also paying maintenance in spite of the fact it's 50/50 shared care