Blended family finances

The reference to 'Joint Tenants ' and 'Tenants in common' is legal speak for property ownership. Yup I know it sounds strange. I'm not a lawyer but as I understand it when you buy a house or flat with someone else there are two types of ownership available.

You can buy a share as such where one person owns say 20/30/40/50 percent whilst the other owns the remainder (say 80/70/60/50 percent). These people can do what they are any with their share, say will it to a charity, leave it to their other half, etc.

As joint tenants they both own the property 100%. They cannot leave their portion in a will to anyone as it automatically becomes the remaining tenants on their death.

So say someone in a second relationship with children would be best to own as tenants in common so their children can inherit their portion of the property. The joint tenants on the other hand have the security in knowing that in the death of one the property is still theirs in full and this way the property doesn't become part of the estate and it doesn't get subjected to probate.

Do you pay CMS if you have the children 50:50?

OP I haven't RTFT so apologies if someone else has already said this. I'm in a second marriage for both of us. I have three adult chlldren and DH has one. I am in my mid-70s and he is about to turn 84, so of course we have to consider estate planning. Although you are so much younger than us, I suggest you consider how this might affect the issue from your DP's point of view. Accidents happen at any age - that's how I lost my first DH when I was 50.

We have a joint account for our basic living expenses, but other than that our finances are separate. I am somewhat better off than he is, and he knows that when I die the majority of my estate will go to my children and grandchildren, though he is being looked after by a provision of my will until he dies. One of the provisions both of us have made in our wills is that the survivor of the two of us has the right to remain in the house until either the survivor dies or the house is sold, at which time the proceeds will be divided according to our wills. We bought our house for cash, though we have a home equity loan for renovations which we are slowly paying off. I own 60% of the house and he owns 40%, and that is the ratio on which we pay off the loan and the ratio in which the proceeds of sale when the house is sold will be divided among our children.

As someone who was in a similar position (larger deposit, higher wages and fewer kids) I absolutely ring fenced my deposit and the fact that my DP (soon to be DP) never batted an eyelid and that told me he 100% wasn’t with me for my money. I know getting married now complicates things but I want to get married and we now have joint children. However, being tenants in common is still better as he won’t automatically get my share whilst we’re not married, my closest relatives (children in my case) would, plus it means my share can’t be used to pay his care home fees if I die first as I will be leaving him with the right to live in our home and delay distribution of my share to my children until after his death, but he won’t own my share (or vice versa).

Tenants in common is becoming much more popular even with married couples. We bought our house like this and are set up so that if one of us dies the half share goes to children rather than other parent. It keeps the inheritance below tax limit and protects half the house in the event one needs a care home. You need to explain the practical financial reasons to him.

Probably because that's the going rate for 2 kids on 52k when no other dependants. Her being on uc would still be her on a low income

I think you have three options..

1. match his deposit and go 50/50.
2. stick to your guns and ring fence each what you have put in
3. back out all together.

do not back down you are 100% right to protect your money.

Why do you reference tenancy and tenants when you've said your buying? I'm confused, is this a thing

Totally agree with everyone who has already posted, he is being extremely selfish and trying to take advantage of you. It sounds like you are a very generous person especially with all the contributions you make to his children.

If you do go ahead with the purchase, please do seek legal advice regarding what were to happen if he were to die before you. The last thing you would want is him to leave his share to his children and for them to be able force a sale and basically force you out of the home you’ve worked so hard for.

You have to protect yourself. Tenants in common unless you are married. Unless you draw up a legal agreement as to what happens if you split up or die. It doesn't matter who spends what or who does what outside of purchasing the house. If you are putting up half then your inheritance is at risk. Don't give in on any account.

I disagree with @PloddingAlong21suggesting that he is looking at the situation emotionally.

Surely he is being very practical indeed to his own benefit, describing OP as selfish for not gifting him 50% of her substantial inheritance

It doesn’t put him in any good light, does it really ?

Why is your partner paying so much to his ex wife? If she’s on a low wage, presumably she gets UC? Plus only has the children 50:50, seems rather unfair.

Of course he wants the arrangement that ismore financially advantageous to him. But it's not fair. Each of you should get from the house what you put in.

Just tell him no.

I can see both viewpoints, but I agree with yours.

He is looking at it emotionally and not practically. You would be not only gifting him your inheritance in the event of separation, but in effect passing that down to his daughters as they would subsequently inherit from him.

Beyond separating - at the pint of death, who would you wish to leave that money too? That’s how I wouldn’t be thinking about it too.

You have to be practical and stay firm. You are being generous in your day to day, so he is ridiculous to call you selfish. You’re giving his children £20pw pocket money! That’s more than a lot give their own children.

My first house deposit with my then partner was £2,000. Even with that small amount the solicitor was very insistent it was ring fenced. My partner agreed straight away.

He's waving a massive red flag while watching you pay more for his daughter's each month than he does.

Why don't you just match his deposit and keep the rest of your money separate?

Sorry OP Ive seen your update that you want to continue with the sale etc.

It came across as the crux of the issue is that he feels at the moment that it wouldn't really be his house if its not 50/50.

Maybe that is the issue you need to work on, since you do sound as though you have be very generous and he's forgetting that. You already pay more than 50% of all living expenses, but he doesn't see that as an issue, so why should the house be once everyone is living there. Also, you've made provision in your will to protect him and his DDs which is both thoughtful and generous.. so I think it might be worth gently reminding him that you are doing all you can and that he needs to give you a bit of credit for your thoughtfulness and foresight and also a bit of trust.

I have spoken to him a bit more and I think he feels a bit powerless in this whole situation as the purchase date gets closer. He feels it’s not really his home as I own so much more than him and he has no agency over decisions like renovations etc.

Then the answer is to buy a cheaper house where he can put in 50%.

He doesn't earn enough to match your income.
He doesn't have the same savings.

Why would he not have 'agency' over renovations? That's a bit ridiculous. If he's paying 50% of the mortgage of course he can have input into the house renovations.

He's blackmailing you!

I am in a similar situation except we have never bought together. We have lived in my house, owned outright, for the last 16 years. I don’t want to marry, we each have our own children.

My DP respects my choices, accepting the house is not his. Our wills are written to ensure my children inherit my house but that he can stay in his home if he survives me.
My DP knows that my adulterous husband put our family home on the market and that shockingly I came home after work to a ‘for sale’ board. I agreed eventually to the sale, to be able to cut all ties, but I never want my choices to be limited by someone else again. My DP gets it.

There is some concern about your DP’s lack of understanding.

You need to protect your deposit, I bought with my long term partner last year. One of us contributed 45k to the deposit whilst the other contributed 15k. We are tenants in common with a 75/25 split and we are both more than happy with this. If you proceed with 50/50 you risk being burned if things do not work out

If you went ahead and did this
There are so many what ifs which may seem far fetched right now.
But for example .
What if you split?
What If he died suddenly. His daughters would own half your house. They may/may not want to let you buy them out. Even if he made a will that you agree on and shows you, he could always make another.
Supposing you changed your mind about children in the future

As other's have said, don't buy with him. In his mind, he's already spending what he can of your grandfather's inheritance on himself.

You are only 32 and are very fortunate to have this money to buy your own home. Hang on to your independence.

Also. You sound like a generous soul, and are kind to his DDS. How dare he accuse you of being selfish.
"You are so selfish, you won't give me half of your inheritance!"
Can he even hear himself speak? Red Flag.

I also think suggest matching his deposit and see how that goes as an alternative. Honestly don’t know what he’s thinking, you’ve been lovely towards his children and him and not in any way shape or form selfish of greedy, besides all those terms could only really apply to someone who has an obligation towards you, no such obligation exists in your situation, you aren’t under any obligation to share your inheritance with him.

If you chose to get married and have children I think it’s different and a one pot system makes more sense but you don’t, you haven’t and you aren’t.

You are quite right. You need to ring fence your deposit. Don't let him guilt trip you out of that decision. You are already paying more than your fair share to his children, he should be giving them pocket money not you.

That doesn't sound right. That should not be 50/50. protect your deposit. My partner and I bought together almost 3 years ago now, but I had no deposit and he put all 25% down. We pay equally into a joint account and it covers all bills, mortgage and food we buy for the house. we both have 1 child each, from previous relationship, living with us. my son goes more to his dad and SD only goes to her mum every other weekend for 2 nights. neither of us get child maintenance. we are also not married and not planning to, I agree that I do not own 50% of our house and would never try that one. Maybe work out with deposit what each share really is and have a discussion about how it would work in the future if you were to sell and get another home or to split. It has to be open and honest before you make the leap of faith to live together. we still need to get ours in writing but we trust each other.
Good luck and hope you can sort it fairly.

We own as tenants in common, in our case 50/50 but in your case I’d ring fence each of your deposits then 50/50 after that