AIBU to feel hurt by husband’s comments about my body confidence?

What else you can do is get some personal therapy.

Oh I just saw you’re 5ft 6 and 70 kg. Which is a healthy bmi. But at 50kg you were significantly under weight,

is there more to this, did you have an eating disorder? You equate underweight with attractive?

No one is forcing her, she never said that. But also he shouldn’t be expected to have sex with her if he doesn’t wish, I’d not want to shag my husband if he wore his clothes each time.

As much as he clearly has exploded in frustration, I feel your issues run very deep, a t shirt during sex, refusing to wear swimwear etc, and I do think you need to seek help.

i think many people would struggle with this and reach a breaking point, if my husband wanted to wear clothes during sex, wouldn’t wear swimwear I think id try fi help then likely id get to end point, and he’s right it’s a message that’s damaging for your kids,

whay is it you struggle with in terms of your body, have you gained a huge amount of weight? Sre you being irrational?

You need to unlearn putting your appearance at the top of what people see in you. Nearly everything women have been fed about how to dress is done through the lense of misogyny. "Flattering" is just code for thinner.

Your body is with you until the bitter end and having your life experiences be so intricately woven into how you look is only going to ruin all of your experiences. Dress for joy, dress for comfort, dress for fun. Your body works, it functions, it comforts your children and carries you. It's size and shape means naff all.

OP are you on social media? I find that being on social media as an active person and following a lot of gym/hiking/fitness profiles gives me a LOT of hang ups about my body. I have a belly and I hate it, I am 4’8” and don’t carry weight well. If you’re on social media looking at other women’s bodies it’s not going to be good for you or any of us. I have to take breaks purely because of my self image and how I “should” look.

I sympathise with feeling unattractive to yourself but at your age (also my age) a lot of friends are going to start dropping off with the killer diseases of middle age so try to connect with the beauty of health and strength rather than youthful aesthetics. You don't know what you've got til it's gone, as they say.

@montysmaw I agree, it's her boundary to wear a baggy top during sex and she shouldn't be forced to take it off. She shouldn't be forced to give him a BJ if she doesn't want to so why should she be forced to be naked if it makes her feel uncomfortable

I suspect your body hang ups are probably part of a wider picture about feeling depleted. 4 children is a lot, and it comes with a loss of personal time, freedom and often status. You’ve also been pregnant or breastfeeding for a long time, it’s easy to feel your body isn’t your own.

I cover up to an almost Islamic level in the sun, largely because I burn easily and don’t see the point of stripping off then having to cover every inch of my body in sun block. It keeps me cooler too, a damp rash vest works wonders in the hot sun. Doesn’t seem to have rubbed off on my 15 year old DD who wears teeny bikinis, short shorts, crop tops etc. she’s totally confident in her body (even if she is prone to appearance related anxieties about other things).

I don’t dislike my body but I still dislike being naked and feel I look better with even underwear on. I don’t find nudity in others visually appealing either, no matter what their body looks like. It wouldn’t bother me to never see another person naked again.

You are projecting how you feel on others. Get some counselling. Your DH is right. Honestly though, the best thing you can probably do is loose a bit of weight. It's all very well being body positive but if YOU feel your body isn't where you want it to be then that can often help. This is entirely about how you feel. Your DH loves how you look, and the rest of the world doesn't care either way. Like others I can guarantee you look great but if YOU aren't happy then do something about it.

I can 100% guarantee your body is better than mine - size 14, not toned, find exercise deeply boring which is the problem. You are doing so much better than me! You are doing exercise, and have years of exercise prior to now, which has made the body you inhabit, you will be far more toned up than I am. When it comes to sex it's the enthusiasm you go for it with that is more important than if you have wobbly bits - it's the trying to hide under clothes that is far more off putting for a partner, much more so than wobbly bits could ever be.

I think a lot of posters here are missing the point. Your DH loves you and he doesn’t like - for you - that you are unhappy and unconfident when, in the grand scheme of things, you have no reason to be.

He is sad that you feel shame in the amazing body that has given him three children, and that he still finds attractive, and he is worried that you will pass on these body hang ups onto your children - so then they will be unhappy with their own bodies like you.

And he has a point. There’s nothing wrong with not having the body you had when you were 20. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look as good as you can, but there is value in finding a way to accept yourself as you are now, because it will be better for you. Nobody is saying you need to wear a bikini but if your hang up is getting in the way of you enjoying your life then perhaps it might be worth talking to a therapist who specialises in body dysmorphia.

This is a brilliant contribution from @MaggieBsBoat .

OP, take this to heart and maybe print it out to remember. And please ignore the nasty unnecessary posts made by idiots. They belong to the 'snap out of it' brigade and should be ashamed of themselves.

What a nasty comment!

Extremely unhelpful.

I’m sorry OP. This sounds hard to deal with.

I personally think your DH is out of order to take issue with what you wear swimming, the idea that showing your body = body confidence doesn’t really follow for me. I don’t wear skimpy swimwear or clothing ever, not because I have any issues with body confidence (I’m overweight and have a CS overhang but really don’t give a shit what my body looks like or what other people think of it).

I cover up because I prefer to, no particular reason as I was the same before I had babies and was skinny, I just feel more elegant in clothes that cover me more (no judgement on women who are happy to show more skin either, I tend to think people look best in whatever makes them feel good). Plus, I have a history of skin cancer in the family so I want to limit sun exposure, so I wear a rash vest type top and board shorts. Preferring to keep yourself relatively covered in public is a perfectly valid choice and I don’t see why that would necessarily cause your daughter to have body confidence issues unless you’re talking about your dislike for your body in front of her. If she asks why your swimwear is more covering than what other people are wearing, you can just say something along the lines of ‘I like the colour/pattern of this one, mummy likes to keep the sun off her shoulders’ or some other body neutral explanation.

Wanting to stay covered during sex is different, I can understand why he finds that difficult. You feel how you feel though, but it sounds like this is something you would really benefit from having some help with. Is counselling to help you deal with your body confidence issues something you would consider? You deserve to go through life at least feeling comfortable with the body you have.

He shouldn’t be unpleasant to you about it though, he can voice his feelings about the situation without being nasty. A balanced approach might be you having therapy to help you deal with this, plus couples’ therapy if you think that might help. And he needs to be supportive and patient while you work through the process.

“and suddenly you’re just a mum and nothing more it takes a toll on you”

I think you need to take bigger steps to address this by doing therapy if some sort. You are stuck with these thoughts going on a loop and the only person who can stop that is you. Talking to someone neutral can help you find your way out of that hole. You’re not “just” a mum. First, that’s an amazing and lucky thing to be and second it is not all who you are. I think you should focus on developing your confidence more generally. You are bogged down with the body confidence thing but I think it’s likely there is more going on here. Best wishes.

What a nasty comment!

OP I am 5"6 and was 72 kg until losing weight recently. It took a while and was hard. Be easy on yourself your children are still young. I know how hard it is. It's hard to feel good about your body when you don't like it.

Does your husband actually make you feel good about your body? It was hard for me because my husband did not find me attractive at all when I was heavier and only wanted sex when I lost all the weight. So my body confidence was in the bin.

Your husband should be supporting you not swearing at you.

I voted YABU. You have a very shallow view of what is of value in a person. I feel sorry for those around you having to deal with the narcissistic self pity.

not really, look around you.

it's a lot harder for some women than others, but being a mum does not mean being cursed with a different body.

It's not easy, but the very short version is diet and exercise.
It's entirely up to you if you want to make it a priority. Again, not easy, but your body is not lost forever if you don't want it to be. There are enough mums with big families showing it's perfectly possible.

You can never be 30 again, but you can the be 40 or 50yo version of that body.

I see nothing wrong in wanting to stay attractive and the best version you can be. It's not shallow, it's normal.

Have you always felt that your appearance was your most important attribute?

It's one thing being shy or modest about yourself, but I think if you can no longer even enjoy an uninhibited sex life because you are always worrying about your bodily flaws or won't even go swimming on holiday with your children, then it's become obsessive.
There has to be a point when you question why you allow yourself to be consumed by these imaginary judgements on you.