AIBU to feel hurt by husband’s comments about my body confidence?

It is understandable you feel as you do. A loss of confidence is okay in thr circumstances. What might help omptove this along with the exercise? Something else for you? I don't see it as a big issue feeling comfortable more covered up. I personally like wearing swimwear and i am slim. Your Husband sounds frustrated as he loves and accepts you as you are which is lovely. Marriage counselling or even counselling for you could be good. It is good that he's trying to communicate his needs to you and that is something that counselling could help with.

We went on holiday to the Caribbean ... I really struggled. I didn’t want to wear a bikini, swimsuit or anything that showed much of my body. I felt uncomfortable.
My husband got frustrated and we ended up having an argument.

OP: can you explain what happened? It sounds like your current crisis stemms from you not DOING certain things on holiday. That your husband was frustrated about things you did not DO.

Did you go swimming?
Did you seem miserable company because you were feeling so unhappy?
Did you not go places because you were too hot to be out & about in your all-covered-up-clothes?
Did you make him do all the swimming fun with the kids so he couldn't get a break?

What did you DO or NOT Do on the holiday that led to him feeling frustrated?

🤣🤣😵‍💫 wtf!

take your husband to a BDSM / sex club. You'll see people with all sorts of bodies doing all kinds of things in various states of dress. You don't have to do anything sexual yourselves just watch respectfully. See for yourself that nobody is paying much attention to anybody else's body

wtf, or just go to the beach, pool, gym or walk down any high st.

No I don’t accept that. Op is being unkind to herself for unrealistic body expectations. Lots of older women are heavier and still have self worth, and are loved by their families, and enjoy fulfilling sex lives. Shame on you for supporting this insidious thin-at-all-costs body shaming mindset.

You say you don’t know what else to do ?
go for therapy -just yourself - to try and learn how to see yourself how your husband and children see you -a beautiful wonderful mother and woman.

He loves you anyway .. I understand you feeling you have lost confidence in yourself words of advice find something sexy to wear that gives you a boost of confidence dont wear oversized tops .
Hubby is telling you there's a problem and that he doesn't want to drift apart listen if you want to keep your marriage healthy .Marriage and relationships are hard do this for yourself as much as your marriage concentrate on the things that are making you feel less confident to get your confidence back x

So diet then to get back to your old weight. Some people are ok with putting on weight, others arent.

Your Husband’s body will have also changed over the years…. Aging is normal, and no one expects someone to stay looking exactly the same as they did when they were 20.

I wonder if your rejection of your own body is hurtful to your husband because he might see you as blaming him for your unhappiness, as he is 50% responsible for the children that you now blame for ruining your body.

You would benefit from some counselling sessions. They will instil the body-confidence you’re lacking and perhaps confidence in other areas of your life too. You sound to be trying too hard to achieve the perfect pre-childbirth body you used to have, when you should be enjoying life as it is and you are now.

You sound fabulous.

It’s rubbish that so many of us feel insecure about our bodies after pregnancies. I don’t mind mine, as long as nobody else has to see it.. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Kindly, do you hold your weight in your tummy which is why you feel the need to cover it?

That happens sometimes, I think 70kg is about 11 stone which isn't generally big at your height but it is easy to hold weight in different places or we'd all be the same shape eh!

You can't target weight loss in certain places but I understand your frustration if this is the case. But I'm fully with your husband here.

I'm just under 10 stone, but 5ft 3, and all my weight is boobs and tummy, so I am a walking m&m!

I think perhaps if it is your breasts that you are self conscious about? My were quite "depleted" after breastfeeding three children and at first I was very anxious about them being seen. But now I am quite happy about them and I think you will find over time they will regain more shape and fullness. In the meantime you could invest in some really great bras and bikinis that can give you more support and confidence. And maybe some nice underwear and low lighting will help you regain confidence in the bedroom as well?

I think you need to consider how tiring it is to be around someone so down about their appearance. The fact you can't even take your top off for sex is very telling. You work out, you're a healthy weight. Women age, looks fade. It's not just the children, you are in your 40s, it's just reality. Get over it for everyone's sake, including your own.

I'm sorry you feel this way about your body and I get it. Its hard when it changes and your mind doesn't catch up to how it is now because its been a different way for so long. I'm sure your husband was trying to make you feel better, albeit clumsily, and he sounds lovely in many ways, despite you arguing. Everyone gets frustrated at times.
You do sound lost, a bit hurt and out of sorts with yourself and my heart goes out to you. I think counselling is a fabulous idea, do try to have a good look around to find one that fits. I truly hope you feel better soon. Sending hugs 🫂

I understand that he wants me to feel good about myself
Maybe? But it seems he would rather that just magically happen than support you to get there. To me it sounds like he wants you to perform those things - For his benefit.

Really surprised at some of the nasty comments on this thread. Just because men can be far worse, doesn't stop this guy being insensitive and unhelpful.

Your body has done an amazing job growing humans. There are very few of us who have children who have perfect bodies. Don’t get to my age (77) and regret all the years that you have spent wishing you had a beach body and looking back and realising that you had one all along.
Don’t ruin a marriage to a man who cares about you and fancies you because you need to cover up something that he loves. Most men don’t care whether you have lumps, bumps, scars, droopy breasts, but they do care that you still want to make love to them. He remembers the confident woman you were. That’s what he misses.
My advice to you? Sit down with him, tell him exactly how you feel, and LISTEN to his replies. I’m guessing you love him, and most of us say “I would do anything for him “ about the person we love. Ditch the baggy top, tell him that you feel uncomfortable about it, but do it for him. You will find that your confidence rises as time passes.
I have spent my life being self conscious about my fat bottom. I tried to hide it (impossible!). In my fifties I met my 2nd husband. He told me that it made me look beautiful and womanly.
One day he overheard a conversation between me and my friend, who also had a big bottom. Afterwards he said that it was a shame that she didn’t realise how lovely she was, just as she was.
I’m widowed now and I no longer worry about my big bottom. When I die I doubt that people will say ‘Well she was nice but it’s a shame she had a big bottom’.

OP- this is where you are at now, at this stage in your life.

It doesn’t mean you will be this way forever.
Perhaps your husband can understand that impatience on his part won’t help you evolve out of this stage?

Women are supposed to always put others first, in this case, not even being allowed her legit feelings. Good luck to you OP, I get you x

He doesn’t sound at all kind. I’m in my 40s and I also have 4 children. I don’t wear bikinis - I am slim but I don’t want my stretch marks on show and I’m allowed to feel that way, as are you!! Some of my children are young adults, too. It’s their turn to wear string bikinis, like I did at their age.

and the the thing is that bikinis are not for everyone anyway. There are plenty of swimsuits that look great like the Boden Santorini one.

OP never accused you of arguing with her or even shaming her. Are YOU reading something that's not there?

It seems like you have a chip on your shoulder about being a woman... is OP not also a woman? It's okay for you to talk to people any way you like but not for them to reply with the same energy because 'you're a woman'?

Be kind may be problematic, however there's no need for rudeness under the guise of 'just being honest' or 'just saying'

Sorry op but I understand his frustration. I think you need some kind of counselling or treatment to see that gaining weight and a bit of body fat isn’t the worst thing in the world that can happen to you.

Things to consider:

• take your husband to a BDSM / sex club. You'll see people with all sorts of bodies doing all kinds of things in various states of dress. You don't have to do anything sexual yourselves just watch respectfully. See for yourself that nobody is paying much attention to anybody else's body.

• you don't have to wear a bikini if you don't want to. It's arguably more important you join in the activities your daughter wants to do than you expose lots of skin. Look for rash vests and board shorts and at modest swimwear so you can join in the swimming/ other water sports.

• it's important to present your choice of clothing to your daughter as being for reasons other than insecurity about your body. And there are very good reasons around avoiding sunburn and skin cancer to cover more of your body outdoors in the heat. You can choose a bikini and lots of suncream if you want or you can choose something exposing less skin and needing much less suncream.

Op sorry if I have missed it. Do you have a job OP? Do you have any identity other than being a mum?