AIBU to object to my husband taking a large loan for a friend?

I understand wanting to help a friend, but £30K is more than just a few quid, it's a lot of money. I find the fact your husband is so hell bent on lending his friend this money, quite frankly...odd. Yes, they're old friends, known each other along time, like brother's blah blah blah.

To me, your husband's behaviour strikes me as someone who may be more than emotionally invested, and is in fact already financially invested. He's not listening to reason, he's ignoring every red flag that is flying (and believe me, there are many!) and is willing to sacrifice his own finances to help a friend. None of that is behaviour of a rational person. It stinks of someone who is desperate.

The only other option to explain your husband's batshit behaviour, is that his friend, has some kind of 'hold' over him, and effectively he feels he has no choice but to help financially.

You need to dig into your own finances. Request a credit report for both of you, and see what debts you officially have. Make sure there are no loans secured against your home.

Also when he transfers this money to his friend, surely this will be flagged by the banks and report to HMRC - They will want to know what the money is for, where it has come from and if any taxes due on it, you can't just transfer big amounts anymore (or lots of smaller amounts)

What is the building project- a personal house reno or a business / commercial project? Can your DH have paper work to show an investment in the project so his contribution is recognised and official?
It sounds like the friend owes money left, right and centre - is the project even going to make any money to pay your DH back?

I'm beginning to wonder whether your DH is already financially invested in the project rather than just being emotionally invested.

Has he already lent the friend a large sum and is now shitting himself because he is going to lose that amount (£20k, £30k, £50k...?) if the project doesn't complete and make a profit? In other words, is he throwing another £30k into the project in the hope that he gets his initial "investment" back as well as this next £30k? Having seen how you have reacted to his latest proposal, is he going to come clean about any funds that he's already contributed or was he hoping that you'd go along with his latest idiotic idea and hopefully never find out how much risk he's already put you and your family in?

Banks don’t give a shit about this they just want something to secure the loan to. And as they are sexist etc too then they don’t consider asking the wife if she is happy with the “man of the house” putting this loan on the house!

It sounds like he is far too emeshed in this mans needs & life. It's actually a bit sickening considering he has a wife & children. I hope if I pop in again this will be resolved.

The money side of this debacle of a proposal is bad enough. Having popped in again to see if it's been resolved I will say again OP, why are you not considering your DH is basically prioritising this man's wants & desires over common sense & your rejection of the idea.

I would be beyond livid if my DH so much as suggested this & I doubt I'd get over it if he went ahead. Tell him he can support this mans needs all he wants but not financially to the detriment of your own families financial security. 😡

I can understand people saying "divorce him" if he loans his friend the money. Ultimately, the financial fallout of a divorce would dwarf the £30,000 unpaid loan.

Plenty of projects take that situation to banks and get funding to finish. They secure their money through charges on the assets. If no Institute that knows about the cost and returns of tgese projects will touch it then that's the message your husband needs to listen to. When, or if, the project is finished there will be plenty if debts to pay before yoyr husband. And hive completed projects that are still viable don't need to be written off completely. They can be sold on if they are still viable. Money will be lost, but not completely written off.
Highly unlikely you will be seeing the money back if you proceed because this project is in serious trouble and not seen as viable by people who know about these things.

I know you think this is all coming out of loyalty or a soft heart - but is there any chance this friend is holding something over your husband?

The lengths your husband is going to, the strangeness of the circumstances, and the heightened emotional reactions when you question any of it, would seriously have me wondering.

I think you need to reconsider contacting the friend, yes it will be embarrassing but far less embarrassing than ending up in the same situation as he is in, facing insolvency, losing your credit rating. Tell him that he might not realise what your financial situation is, that your husband might have glossed it over in his willingness to help out his friend, but by offering this loan he is putting your families entire financial future at a very real risk and you think he needs to understand that before accepting the help.

This tells you all you need to know. If the people whose business it is to make money out of other people needing a cash loan don’t think the friend is a good enough risk even at a huge rate of interest, then why in the world would your husband take on that risk with no security?

If your husband ( and you) can’t afford to gift the money to your friend, which I assume you can’t, then a loan is out of the question.

A good friend will understand that you can’t put yourself at financial jeopardy to save him.

Your husband can trust his pal all he likes and that might even be well placed, but if the pal defaults on a payment to another creditor then he could find himself made bankrupt and then your husband is dealing with the trustee in bankruptcy and not his pal. The trustee will pay creditors in order of the statutory priority and unsecured debts will come bottom of the pile.

If there is likely to be profit after existing borrowing has been paid then he’d have access to a loan himself, secured against the property. The fact he doesn’t means the banks have concluded that even after a sale there won’t be enough money to repay them. So why would your husband think he could get paid? He will be last in the queue for repayment.

Any man who proves to his wife that their marriage is a 'house built upon the sand' must expect to lose that marriage in very short order.

I think you need to knock some sense into him. I'd tell him you will divorce him if he takes out the loan because he obviously cares more about his mate than his kids.

I hear you and can imagine your frustration, but surely a dispassionate email that makes all the points, and set out as a business case as @Easilyforgotten suggests, will be less emotionally fraught and easier for your DH to at least consider than you trying to put the same points to him in a conversation. I also think it's imperative that you spell out to your DH what the consequences are going to be for your marriage should he go ahead with this. He needs to understand what really is at stake. And if he's still being a blockhead, I would contact the friend to at least tell him that you are not happy with this at all and are in all likelihood going to end the marriage over it. It's so important that I wouldn't worry about it feeling "awkward" or "embarrassing". Both these men need to grow up and face reality.

Nobody who has a young family should make any major final commitments like a loan, unless there is a concrete long term benefit to them and their dependants. There is no long term benefit here apart from the friend's enduring gratitude, and that won't be enough; even presuming the loan is repaid eventually (it probably won't be).

I hope your husband sees sense because at the moment it seems he is willing to jeopardise his family's future just to stay in his friend's good books.

I would be very concerned that this may not be the first time he has been cavalier about money (unbeknownst to you) which could be at the bottom of his anxiety and expectation that you tighten your belt.

The friend won’t be able to pay your husband back when the project is complete.

I don't know if it would help with your husband, but could you send him an email in the format of a business proposal, with the due diligence questions, and ask him to address each point with an actual answer, rather than a nebulous 'I'm sure it'll be ok'?
Just wondering if he can see it in black and white with the heat and emotion taken out, he might realise he probably wouldn't advise anyone else to go ahead with it?
Not sure if that will suit your communication style, obviously. Best of luck with it.

That would be a marriage breaker for me.

Risking your whole family financial stability for a friend - big fat no.

Any chance DH has something to hide and friend is blackmailing him?

There's a CVL Research Report carried out in the UK which found that 94% of unsecured creditors receive nothing in a insolvency case.

Your husband's friend has all the signs of heading towards insolvency given he can't raise finance from anywhere other than friends.

Your DH might as well burn the money.

I can't help wondering if he owes the friend a significant favour of some kind which the op doesn't know about?

Have you told him that’s how you feel about it? That this is the straw? Because if he realises he will lose you maybe he will change his mind.

the only other thing that I can think is that you reach out to the friend and tell him that it is a marriage deal breaker for you and that might make him tell your husband he doesn’t want it anymore