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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to object to my husband taking a large loan for a friend?

411 replies

Sefal · 27/07/2026 23:05

My husband has had a friend for some 40 years, it is probably more accurate to describe his friend as being like a brother to him.

His friend has recently got into some financial difficulties due to a building project costing more than expected. His friend has no way of obtaining money to finish the building project, and without money to finish it, the whole project will need to be ‘written off’, essentially throwing tens if not hundreds of thousands of pounds away and facing bankruptcy. My husband then offered to get a loan out for a lot of money (tens of thousands), to give to his friend on the promise his friend pays it back (plus the interest) when the project is completed. His friend has leant him money in the past, but it has always been from his savings never anything like this. It’s also been small amounts - a couple of grand here and there.

I think this is absolutely insane. Me and my husband both earn very well, but we do not have any savings and have loans and debts ourselves. We have also committed to some very high expenses ourselves for the next few years, and my husband in particular has been very anxious about money, which has in turn made me very anxious and I have been trying to find ways to increase our income. This loan would be hundreds of pounds a month, which as I pointed out, why are we worrying about money when my husband can afford an additional hundreds of pounds on a loan?

I also pointed out things such as:

what if your friend can’t pay you back
what if the project costs more
what if you need it paid off and your friend wants more time
what if your friend falls ill
what if you lose your job
what if you fall out with your friend

Essentially pointing out all the reasons why this is nuts. I also told him that if he chooses to do this, I won’t be supporting him nor will I be taking any notice of his fretting about money or wanting to live frugally. I’ve told him if it affects our lives e.g him saying we can’t afford something, I’ll be reminding him of his ridiculous loan. We’ve had a massive argument because of it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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bitterbuddhist · 03/08/2026 11:43

ETA: so glad it worked out, OP!

AlwaysExtraHot · 30/07/2026 17:48

Sefal · 29/07/2026 21:59

We had a long chat this evening and the loan isn’t happening, but we’re going to offer our help where we can. My husband was coming from a place of desperation wanting to help his very good friend x

Well done, OP. I'm sure you'll be able to help the friend in significant ways that don't put your own security in peril.

Julimia · 30/07/2026 16:11

Its a No however you look at this one.

ExplodingSmittens · 30/07/2026 11:55

ThreadGuardDog · 30/07/2026 11:54

OP would you consider visiting the land registry website to register for alerts to any change to the property status ? Just for peace of mind.

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That’s a really good call.

ThreadGuardDog · 30/07/2026 11:54

Sefal · 29/07/2026 21:59

We had a long chat this evening and the loan isn’t happening, but we’re going to offer our help where we can. My husband was coming from a place of desperation wanting to help his very good friend x

OP would you consider visiting the land registry website to register for alerts to any change to the property status ? Just for peace of mind.

ExplodingSmittens · 30/07/2026 07:52

I’m so glad your FH has seen sense. I can see why your DH would want to help a DFriend but if no money lender will touch him, there is very little chance he could pay back the loan and that would be the end of the friendship anyway.

PinkEasterbunny · 30/07/2026 07:47

Phew! Thanks for the update OP

MachineBee · 30/07/2026 07:41

I’m really pleased that common sense has prevailed.

Steeleydan · 30/07/2026 07:04

JemimaTab · 29/07/2026 19:36

The bottom line is that if you don’t have £30,000 lying around in a savings account, and you’d have to borrow this, then you can’t afford it. It doesn’t matter what your income is. (And even if you did have £30,000 lying around, I wouldn’t lend to this person - it’s clearly just throwing good money after bad).
I also really wouldn’t trust this friend. They are in a desperate situation as regards money, and desperate people are not always truthful. He won’t care at all that it’s your family’s money. Also, people who get themselves into these kind of fixes can have a bit of a pie-in-the-sky mentality - they delude themselves it will all work out in the end, they just need one more injection of cash and it will all come good. It almost never does.

Exactly this 30k won't fix this mess and finish the project it might keep it going another month or so

Boreded · 30/07/2026 01:54

Sefal · 29/07/2026 21:59

We had a long chat this evening and the loan isn’t happening, but we’re going to offer our help where we can. My husband was coming from a place of desperation wanting to help his very good friend x

Really glad to hear it

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/07/2026 01:00

That must be a huge relief for you OP. A difficult conversation but sounds as if you got your points across and its good that your OH will focus on other ways to help now.

Trallers · 29/07/2026 22:12

Sefal · 29/07/2026 21:59

We had a long chat this evening and the loan isn’t happening, but we’re going to offer our help where we can. My husband was coming from a place of desperation wanting to help his very good friend x

That sounds like a great outcome, well done for making the conversation happen. Good news for your marriage too

Original poster
Sefal · 29/07/2026 21:59

We had a long chat this evening and the loan isn’t happening, but we’re going to offer our help where we can. My husband was coming from a place of desperation wanting to help his very good friend x

OP posts:
ThreadGuardDog · 29/07/2026 21:26

MarthaLovesLaughing · 28/07/2026 06:35

Get the loan signed off legally by a solicitor

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Which will do what ? It’s not going to guarantee they will get the money back. OP has already said he would have to lie to get the loan in the first place - no bank is going to lend money to give to a friend who has maxed out his credit and who other high street lenders consider too high risk, so DH will have to lie to get the loan. No solicitor is going to sign off on fraud.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/07/2026 21:18

ThreadGuardDog · 29/07/2026 20:57

OP is a joint owner of the house. The banks can be as sexist as they want but they can’t give him a loan secured against the house without OP’s consent.

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Exactly.

However, I would set up land registry alerts if a charge is attempted against the house, which afaik isnt done automatically. Just in case he decides to commit further fraud.

ETA info on how to set up the alert.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert

Holdinguphalfthesky · 29/07/2026 21:07

Sefal · 29/07/2026 17:11

The friend knows husband would be taking a loan out and then giving him the loan.

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He’s not a friend. I can’t imagine allowing a friend to do that for me, not in a million. The fact that this guy will accept it speaks volumes about the sort of person he is- deep down selfish, or perhaps blasé about money, champagne tastes on other people’s money? Or is there more to this, is that why your husband isn’t rational about it to talk to? Some deal or scam or problem.

ThreadGuardDog · 29/07/2026 20:57

Nearly50omg · 29/07/2026 15:20

Banks don’t give a shit about this they just want something to secure the loan to. And as they are sexist etc too then they don’t consider asking the wife if she is happy with the “man of the house” putting this loan on the house!

OP is a joint owner of the house. The banks can be as sexist as they want but they can’t give him a loan secured against the house without OP’s consent.

JemimaTab · 29/07/2026 19:36

The bottom line is that if you don’t have £30,000 lying around in a savings account, and you’d have to borrow this, then you can’t afford it. It doesn’t matter what your income is. (And even if you did have £30,000 lying around, I wouldn’t lend to this person - it’s clearly just throwing good money after bad).
I also really wouldn’t trust this friend. They are in a desperate situation as regards money, and desperate people are not always truthful. He won’t care at all that it’s your family’s money. Also, people who get themselves into these kind of fixes can have a bit of a pie-in-the-sky mentality - they delude themselves it will all work out in the end, they just need one more injection of cash and it will all come good. It almost never does.

Boreded · 29/07/2026 19:24

Sefal · 29/07/2026 17:11

The friend knows husband would be taking a loan out and then giving him the loan.

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I find this worrying, because he doesn’t care that it is a financial risk to you, and if it comes to being short on payments will he pay your husband or will he pay the bills in his own name to protect his own credit rating.

Trallers · 29/07/2026 19:09

Sefal · 29/07/2026 17:11

The friend knows husband would be taking a loan out and then giving him the loan.

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This is a shockingly irresponsible thing to let your friend do for you. There's nothing more to this is there, like your husband 'owing' friend for something you don't know about?

Original poster
Sefal · 29/07/2026 17:11

Boreded · 29/07/2026 16:42

Yeah I get that it would be weird, but the friend might not realise the spot he has put you guys in. He may think that your husband has the money spare.

At this point if your husband is refusing to listen, and he is putting your finances at stake, I think I would be saying ‘screw the consequences’ and having the awkward conversation with the friend.

Hope you can make your husband see sense

Show quote history

The friend knows husband would be taking a loan out and then giving him the loan.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 29/07/2026 16:56

Sassylovesbooks · 29/07/2026 16:16

I understand wanting to help a friend, but £30K is more than just a few quid, it's a lot of money. I find the fact your husband is so hell bent on lending his friend this money, quite frankly...odd. Yes, they're old friends, known each other along time, like brother's blah blah blah.

To me, your husband's behaviour strikes me as someone who may be more than emotionally invested, and is in fact already financially invested. He's not listening to reason, he's ignoring every red flag that is flying (and believe me, there are many!) and is willing to sacrifice his own finances to help a friend. None of that is behaviour of a rational person. It stinks of someone who is desperate.

The only other option to explain your husband's batshit behaviour, is that his friend, has some kind of 'hold' over him, and effectively he feels he has no choice but to help financially.

You need to dig into your own finances. Request a credit report for both of you, and see what debts you officially have. Make sure there are no loans secured against your home.

yes good advice.

godmum56 · 29/07/2026 16:55

OP if he isn't listening to you would saying "If you do this, I will divorce you" get his attention?

Boreded · 29/07/2026 16:42

Sefal · 29/07/2026 12:02

No, I haven’t had the chance to revisit the conversation again, but will be able to today. I am going to raise the same points again, say we cannot get this loan out, and ask if there are ways we can help that aren’t financial.

I’m not sure I’d want to directly reach out to the friend as it already feels awkward and embarrassing, husband needs to address this with him.

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Yeah I get that it would be weird, but the friend might not realise the spot he has put you guys in. He may think that your husband has the money spare.

At this point if your husband is refusing to listen, and he is putting your finances at stake, I think I would be saying ‘screw the consequences’ and having the awkward conversation with the friend.

Hope you can make your husband see sense

GarlicEverywhere · 29/07/2026 16:17

£30k would be unlikely to trigger an investigation, @BrieAndChilli. He may have to hand it over in two payments to make sure, but 10k + 20k on the same day would pass unremarked. Unless the guy's claiming benefits or is already under observation!