AIBU to refuse to talk to my family about my kids going to private school because it just causes my family to act a bit rude

Why would you expect siblings to have the same income?

We have this with SIL who used to send her DC to private, but changed her ideological stance on it when they couldn’t afford it any longer.

I just ignore her and we’ve pulled right back. Her little snide comments give away her true feelings. It’s no different to any other rudeness, you don’t need to give them any extra grace because it’s private school.

You’re not being dramatic. They’re being consistently rude and critical about one of your major life choices.

Presumably eventually your kids will hear this kind of crap from them as well.

Your siblings sound a bit thick so maybe best to lay it out for them: if they are rude and critical every single time you mention your kids’ school then you’re just not going to talk about it, and obviously that means they’ll know less about you, your kids, your family. That’s their choice to create that distance by constantly criticising you.

Sounds like jealousy to me and I would be tempted to make similar comments in return every time they comments such as “not this jealous bs again”. They will soon stop if you call it out.

Your siblings sound rude and horrible I would not want to spend any time with them.

The schooling is irrelevant being rude to your face about decisions you have taken is rude and disrespectful.

I loathe and detest private schools - I would never, however, tell anyone I know (unless specifically asked) what my views were/areon private education.

It's your choice. I DID have an acquaintance once that basically if you could afford to send your kids to private school (I could have) and didn't, you were basically guilty of child neglect. They, unsurprisingly, couldn't afford to. But no, I do think they are being overdramatic.

You mean I wasn't sensitive to their circumstances?

My bil is like this about the fact that I went to a private secondary. It annoys me as it isn't like it was really up to me anyway.

Being against private school
for yourself =\ bleating whenever your sister mentions her children’s school and wounds your delicate sensibilities.

If those people don’t want to be seen as having a chip on their shoulder, they should perhaps behave in ways that don’t give that impression.

I wonder if they are jealous.....
I can't get my head round why people think it's fine to criticise those who send their children to private school. It just seems to be acceptable. Other people could be on identical salary but spend their money on new cars, expensive holidays etc and that seems fine!!
Or parents move areas to access better schools to avoid paying private school fees, even though they could afford them!
In an ideal world, we wouldn't have to pay for private education but sadly, that's the only option for some.
My brother and I ended up in private schools - not because of wealthy parents but the cultural isolation we'd have suffered in our allocated state school. (Amongst other dire things.....)
My children are now going into the private system because there aren't any suitable state schools available locally. They have both suffered hugely in the one they have been attending and a localish private school is the only option available. (Homeschooling isn't possible due to my disability).
We are not wealthy and will have to budget to afford this for our children!

In the first paragraph of your post you mention private school three times. Do you do that a lot?

@mumlifeisunpredictable
Jealousy and resentment right there in all its glory
Sod what they say
If shoes were on the other foot
They'd totally rub your face in
Constantly belittle you and give their kids the impression they were so much better than your own

Its a very narrow view if the world to think that anyone who is against private school has a chip on their shoulder

There's always one in the family/friendship group who act like this and unfortunately you've gotten lumbered with a few! For me it was my gran who acted like I'd remortgaged a kidney every time I ordered a takeaway 🤣 idk why she had a hang up about it, and it was about twice a month & I paid! But she would make such a fuss I stopped ordering anything when she was there! So I guess same applies - remove the opportunity for them to give you grief, don't discuss it with them.

You're doing a good thing sending the kids to private school but if convos about it spark aggro then yes I would just not discuss it with them, even though I agree with others that you shouldn't have to be the one to change, but life's too short to put up with their nonsense.

The point is private schools may or may not be a complete waste of money and it all depends on the child. As with all schools there are pupils that thrive in a private school but would have done equally well in a state school or worse or better. And those in a state school that would have done better, worse or the same in a private school.

The point is though you will never know what might have been the outcome If you had taken the other option.

I should add that DH’s family have often made stupid comments about what we should or shouldn’t do or what we should or shouldn’t share so I have zero fucks to give.

Being insensitive would be OP telling her brother that he should get a better job so he can privately educate his children.

Talking to her family about what her children are doing is a completely normal thing to do. The brother’s problem is just that - his problem, his responsibility to deal with. She shouldn’t feel obliged to not speak about her children because her brother has a chip on his shoulder.

My SIL’s partner once tried to shame me about sending the kids privately. Afraid I responded by saying that I somewhat doubted that the children at the state system would feel in any way comforted or happier that my DC could ‘learn’ about children less fortunate than them and it was actually a little insulting as those kids weren’t freaks to be empathised with.

I agree with you not discussing it. But the problem is it’s not fair on your kids, as they get older, not to be able to say anything about school, school-based activities, school friends, etc. Your DC ought to be able to
tell grandparents and aunts and uncles about the school play, the school trip to the museum, their sports match, etc, without getting snide comments. If there are any comments like the ones you’ve described in front of the kids, I’d pull the family member to one side and say it’s totally inappropriate and unfair on the kids for them to be critical of your DCs’ school in front of your DC.

Its not just about being 'envious', its about being sensitive to other peoples circumstances

My ds went to independent school, most of his cousins did not. I just didn't discuss it with them.
One dsis came to an open day with me because she genuinely wanted to have a look. Otherwise, it was off limits. There was no benefit in anyone discussing it.

Someone I was acquainted with some years ago with kids go private and lots of talk about uniforms, need hat for this, hat for that, branded sports bag, day bag, branded this branded that, day this, day that, speech day this, speech day that, should they do sailing or windsurfing club, this school trip, that school trip, extra lessons for this and that. Icing on the cake, when they explained they really wanted best for their child, so only option was private...unlike rest of us who have to slum it. All a bit tiresome.

Is it possible there's elements of that coming across - even if not intentionally?

My children are in private school. It’s a SEN school so hardly something on my wishlist when initially planning my children’s education but I’m happy with it, it’s a good school and the state didn’t offer what they needed.
My sister ranted about private schools in every conversation I had for over a year (regardless of whether I even mentioned school or even my children).
Not mentioning anything to do with school didn’t stop her. So be prepared they’ll likely find a way to continue making comments if they wish!

And I see saying ‘fortunate’ as trying to acknowledge that they are lucky, not pretending it’s a god given right.

she IS fortunate to have that option, even if others wouldn’t take it. That doesn’t mean others are unfortunate.

I’m really fortunate I can afford a holiday to Europe, that doesn’t mean I’m saying “unfortunately you have to have a shithole staycation”, it means I recognise my privilege

We had similar with my SIL and BIL. We are not wealthy but both of us had decent salaries and could afford nice holidays and a new car etc. My MIL told us that SIL thought we were being insensitive by mentioning that we were going on holiday, so we just stopped talking about anything that involved spending money. I think it's the only way to deal with someone who's envious- just don't give them any opportunity to make their sarcastic comments.