To think therapy is for the benefit of others

Funnily enough, people around me did not like me learning about and setting boundaries.

If that's what you think, you're doing therapy wrong.

I had to have therapy for some quite complicated PTSD that was making it a struggle to function most days, to go into work having constant flashbacks and being an emotional wreck on the inside, plus it made it very difficult for me to deal with traumatic things that happened afterwards.

I had the therapy, I've managed to move past it, I can go to work without having panic attacks or flashbacks and I realised that I was a much stronger person then I ever thought possible and I'm able to recognise and work through new traumas and know if/when I may potentially need professional help again to cope with it. I did that purely for me....because I was a shadow of the person I once was, before I had the therapy.

YABU

The main benefit of therapy is to be more able to say no and to say yes clearly and effectively That is a huge benefit for oneself.

Therapy is mainly about learning skills to handle situations better.

Not to me. My life is so, so much better because of therapy. I’m bloody lucky to have had it.

I was in therapy. Never got a chance to talk about what was REALLY bothering me. So yes, I do think it’s for other people. Plus my therapist looked exactly like the person who traumatised me, and they knew about it before hand….

I don’t think you properly understand what therapy involves. It’s not just sitting there moaning about your life and offloading your problems whilst someone asks you how you feel!

I’m 6 weeks into Cognitive Analytical Therapy following a relationship breakup which made me confront some elements of my behaviour which I wanted to improve. It’s already been hugely beneficial. I’ve realised that parts of my upbringing have affected how I interact in romantic relationships, at work and with my children. I’m starting to recognise patterns of behaviour in myself and find the tools to change them for the better. Hopefully in future I’ll be a better mother, colleague or partner because I’ve put in the work to become a better person.

My friends have still listened to me cry about how broken-hearted I am though!

YABU to think that people consider friends and family who are ill 'a fun sponge'. When my husband was ill (depression and anxiety resulting from repressed childhood abuse) his friends, family and I would have listed to him until the end of time with nothing but love for him. What kind of ass hole thinks someone at the end of their self is 'a fun sponge'?

YABU to think that therapy is talking into a void. When my husband was seriously unwell therapy helped him precisely because it wasn't just talking into a void. His therapist had the skills to guide his talking and provide tools to help him in a way that an unskilled person could. He came home with exercises and tasks that slowly put him back together again despite that seeming impossible.

Yeah great point. Sometimes people who have therapy have never opened up or shared painful things with anyone before ever. OP's post seems to stereotype people who want to talk to a therapist as almost needy over-sharers. It is incredibly hard for lots of people to voice any difficulties or problems at all. Some people go to therapy sessions and are almost silent for ages until the trust has been built.

OP, I think your post is missing a few things.

1. Some people who have therapy have no one supportive in their life at all. They might have literally no one (in which case there is really no one to benefit, or not benefit, but themselves). They might have a spouse / partner / children / parents who don't get them at all; don't seem to care; don't have compassion or patience whatsoever to begin with. Sadly in my experience this is not a rare situation.

2. Many people who do have concerned, caring family or friends around them still find that those people can't give them what they need. Well-meaning concerned people don't just run out of energy and patience. They can also simply give poor advice, or advice at the wrong time, or too much advice in general, rather than helping someone to discover what they actually want and need for themselves. Obviously therapists differ in their training and approaches but most therapists do not try to tell you what to do and aim to genuinely explore and understand the client's wants and hopes. Loved ones can't usually do that. We're too close to it, too invested, too tangled up with our own wants and hopes. Sometimes the specialist training of a therapist might genuinely offer ideas and ways of working that someone untrained couldn't provide, too (although I get some level of scepticism about this as therapy varies so much in its quality and theoretical perspective).

3. Even if a therapist doesn't offer much beyond a supportive listening... some people can say things to a therapist that they could never say to family and friends in the first place, just by virtue of the distance and the professional role. I think this explains why some people pour their hearts out to ChatGPT or whatever - not because their loved ones couldn't handle it or wouldn't be supportive necessarily but because they have things to say that they don't feel they could share with a person that they have an actual personal relationship with.

4. Sometimes the family members and friends are a big part of what is leading someone to feel unhappy / anxious / distressed, so an outside perspective and a confidential space is particularly important.

All that said... I do think that therapy can sometimes be a way to shunt a sense of responsibility or blame for problems onto the individual when working with the family as a whole would actually be far more valuable, or when the difficulties are actually massively caused or perpetuated by an objectively shitty situation for the person.

And yes, sometimes family do get fed up, burnt out, compassion-fatigued, stressed, overwhelmed... even with the best will in the world. And maybe hoping a therapist would relieve some of the burden is ok in these situations as long as the expectations are realistic? People can't keep giving from empty cups and everyone needs a break sometimes. No amount of love and care for someone changes the fact that supporting someone with mental health difficulties can be really really tough (and I speak as someone who has both needed the support and done the supporting).

Or the patient isn't doing the work

You are suggesting people who have therapy are constantly laying their issues on people around them. Thats a bit of a weird take tbh.

The therapy I had as a teenager gave me perspectives and coping strategies that have stayed with me well into adulthood. It massively changed my life for the better. No doubt it also improved my family's lives a lot too as I was less difficult to be around.

There are some absolute charlatans acting as therapists though, and the person seeking the help has to be willing to do the work.

Therapy comes in many forms for different mental health situations, it’s very helpful, life changing in some circumstances. You need the right form of therapy and the right therapist match

This wasn’t my experience of it. Having suffered extensive mental, physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my father and his friends between the ages of 7 and 14, I found the combination of therapy and antidepressants very useful, and actually life-saving. Thank you, NHS x

Completely disagree. Families rarely have the ability or the knowledge to help. They can only really be a sounding board and can often make your situation worse as they’re dealing with their own feelings on your situation.
A good therapist will help you unpick your challenges and give you the tools to work through them yourself. They can be time limited or they can be long term, depending on what you want or need.
I suspect you’ve either not had therapy or have had a poor quality therapist, of which there are plenty just like any profession.

YABU
Therapy saved my life (I did DBT).

If it's a good therapist, no. It's true therapy can do more harm than good sometimes, but it shouldn't. It should benefit the person and ultimately those around them.

Counsellors offer a safe, predictable and judgement free space to talk.

Families always have an agenda (for good and sometimes bad reasons).

Strong disagree but you have to have the right therapist and the right therapy.

It’s a case of picking the best tool for a job. Friends and family might be a okay tool - but they aren’t necessarily the right one. They do the best job they can, but it’s not going to get the job done as well as the proper tool would.

If you need to tighten a screw, and you use a kitchen knife because that’s what’s to hand - yes, you’ll be able to tighten the screw a bit, but it doesn’t last because it’s not designed for the job, and you might even break the knife because you’re asking something of it that it’s not designed for. Go get a decent screwdriver that’s the right size? Yep, that will do the job. the screw will stay tight, and the screwdriver is just fine.

I agree with the title of your post, but not the content.

Good therapy is not a black pit where you spew all your sadness so you don't whine about it to your friends and family. If that's what you think therapy is, you (or your loved one) has a piss poor therapist. There are lots of barely qualified people claiming to be mental health professionals who lack appropriate training, experience, their own therapy and any ongoing supervision. These people just aren't competent.

Good therapy helps the person with the mental health difficulty. It also helps everyone around them have a slightly easier life because they don't have to bend themselves around one person's illness. Either through supporting them or conforming to the restrictions, expectations and rules the illness engenders. The most important "other" that therapy helps is the ill person's (future) children. The impact on a child being raised by a mentally ill parent is huge. More so, if that illness isn't recognised as being an illness - a person with EUPD thinking everyone else is the problem is awful to live with. Then you have older teenage and adult children still feeling forced to accommodate the illness, all the guilt and resentment they feel. These boards are full of people coping with the fallout of parents - mostly mothers and MILs with anxiety, personality disorders, narcissistism. If those people had therapy before they had kids, imagine the benefits to the next generation.

Disagree.
Helpful for me.
Life changing for my DD.

All therapies?

It sounds like you have had a hard time and I’m sorry if you feel unsupported.
Personally, CBT and EMDR saved my life. I wouldn’t be here today without it.

Interesting post. I've unfortunately met some therapists who genuinely believe that as long as they are present, empathetic, and listening, that is all that is needed for therapy to be effective and beneficial. It's a lazy approach as it requires very little from the therapist. And as you say, it can end up with the client simply repeating the same stuff to another audience. Unless it leads to tangible change, then although that one hour may leave someone feeling heard and supported, it's not really going to lead to any other improvements for them. And any benefit will cease once the therapy comes to an end.

There are many therapists that are unethical, happy to take people's money so they attend each week to vent while the therapist sits and does nothing but listen.

Good therapy imo is proactive, the therapist plays just as much of a part as the client. There are agreed, shared goals, often a treatment plan, tangible ways of measuring whether things are getting better or worse. People often knock the therapy the NHS offers but at least it actually prioritises forward momentum and change.

Decent therapists want to make themselves not needed any longer, rather than building a dependence on them.