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Original poster

Late night cooking…help me get perspective

59 replies

Sassysangria2201 · 27/07/2026 12:57

DSD is 19 and lives at home. She’s at uni so doesn’t pay any board etc. She has a nice set up - seperate part of the house with her own bathroom and sitting room. She has a boyfriend and we don’t have a lot of limits on how often he visits.

She’s generally well behaved but can be very inconsiderate in the house. She will amass dirty dishes in her room and only bring them up when we get annoyed as we are running low. She routinely leaves food encrusted plates next to the dishwasher. She also uses the last of something then puts the empty packet back in the cupboard instead of putting it in the bin.

She and her boyfriend have arrived home and are cooking. At 11.30pm. The kitchen is close to the bedrooms (same level) and I’m now wide awake and fuming.

I’ve had many conversations with DH about consideration around the house, as well as with her, but feel there is an underlying dynamic where she massively over reacts and DH turns it on me. He’s very tidy and grumbles about cleaning up after her but also defends it as ‘she’s just a teenager’ .

i’m so ground down by it that I’ve lost perspective. Putting up with this is utterly crazy right? Or am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sassysangria2201 · 27/07/2026 14:50

I also agree that creating a second coking area for her is rewarding her behaviour. It gives her the impression that we need to provide a solution for the situation, when the solution is she needs to take some very basic responsibility for herself.

Maybe I’m being harsh, but I find the idea that we would create a self contained flat for DSD (and her boyfriend presumably) a bit nuts. She already has her own entrance, bathroom and sitting room, for free. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that she puts her rubbish in the bin and doesn’t cook a full meal 15 paces from where people are sleeping in the literal middle of the night.

OP posts:
Cappuccino5 · 27/07/2026 14:49

Chalotte · 27/07/2026 14:12

It might be a lot easier to install a sink and airfryer in her room and say the kitchen is out of bounds except to socialise with you or eat together.

There’s a name for this.. abuse.

Cappuccino5 · 27/07/2026 14:47

Personally, late night cooking is something I can’t be annoyed about. DD went through that phase and whilst it was annoying to come down to a messy kitchen I’d rather her cook from scratch and a) have the life skills to do so b) not be relying on fast food/microwaveable rubbish. At 19 she’s a grown adult - if she’s hungry then she’s hungry, no matter the time. Use earplugs if you absolutely must. It’s no different than having a partner doing shift work - teens naturally have a later schedule and that’s ok.

The dirty plate thing however does drive me absolutely insane - we’d frequently be running out of cutlery etc as DD would have it all piled up in her room. The only thing that stopped it was real, hard consequences. No clean plates = no access to the car I share with her in our case… It worked and hasn’t happened since.

Original poster
Sassysangria2201 · 27/07/2026 14:42

Thanks for all the comments. I think I knew I was not being unreasonable but needed to hear it as I’ve been slowly ground down by both DH and DSD’s dismissive behaviour.

I have thought about whether we could create her a second cooking space but have ruled it out for a few reasons.

There is already a microwave and full fridge down there but she doesn’t use them. She’s unlikely to keep it clean and as it’s the ground floor I’d be concerned about rodents (we live near a small woods so are more prone to them).

Unfortunately plumbing a sink in would be impractical due to location of pipes and general layout. It would also be a grey area with consent laws here (the definition of a kitchen is whether it has a sink) - at best we’d have rip it out and repair if we move, at worst it’d be a hefty fine.

OP posts:
Chalotte · 27/07/2026 14:41

Enrichetta · 27/07/2026 14:40

Thus rewarding her for her unacceptable behaviour…

sigh.

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That's one way of looking at it. Mine is different, which is fine.

Enrichetta · 27/07/2026 14:40

Chalotte · 27/07/2026 14:38

OP has to pick her battles. In her place I would prefer to create a self contained studio flat rather than keep laying down the law. Up to OP of course.

Edited
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Thus rewarding her for her unacceptable behaviour…

sigh.

Chalotte · 27/07/2026 14:38

Enrichetta · 27/07/2026 14:33

Are you being serious?

How about the OP just enforcing some straightforward house rule rules…

Show quote history

OP has to pick her battles. In her place I would prefer to create a self contained studio flat rather than keep laying down the law. Up to OP of course.

Enrichetta · 27/07/2026 14:33

Chalotte · 27/07/2026 14:12

It might be a lot easier to install a sink and airfryer in her room and say the kitchen is out of bounds except to socialise with you or eat together.

Are you being serious?

How about the OP just enforcing some straightforward house rule rules…

sittingonabeach · 27/07/2026 14:18

Maybe treat her as if she lives in uni halls, so has her own cupboard for food, shelf in the fridge, own crockery, pans etc. So if anything needs washing up, replacing she needs to do it

Chalotte · 27/07/2026 14:12

It might be a lot easier to install a sink and airfryer in her room and say the kitchen is out of bounds except to socialise with you or eat together.

GooseCreekandtheRiver · 27/07/2026 14:12

I imagine your DH thinks he is being nice and kind? He is doing her absolutely no favours by pandering to her like this (and neither are you TBH)

Have you heard of the “taco test” for young adults? It’s a quick idea to help them understand whether their home setup is unhealthy restrictive for them. Can they microwave a taco at 2am. If yes, sounds like it’s a healthy setup, if no, parents are being too controlling. But note - the test is microwaving a taco (or U.K. equivalent), NOT cooking a full blown meal at midnight. You are far too far at the other end of the spectrum. No boundaries and she has no respect or consideration to the people she is living with. In fact, no respect for herself if she is hoarding dirty plates in her room - gross!

Treating her like a princess is going to do her more harm than good.

Original poster
Sassysangria2201 · 27/07/2026 14:08

Mumofoneandone · 27/07/2026 13:55

Even more important to bottom out house rules, if there isn't a deadline for her going away to university.
It will make her a better housemate in the future when she does move out! Basic life lessons!

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I think this is a massive part of it. She is being set up to believe her wants / needs trump that of others. And she’s not developing the habit of considering others, because she there is no consequence if she doesn’t.

We aren’t in the UK so it’s regular term time (I can’t edit my post to include that). If it was the uni hols I’d be more understanding but I just do not want to live like this on an ongoing basis.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 27/07/2026 13:58

Allseeingallknowing · 27/07/2026 13:54

She needs to wash up as well!

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Yes! 100%

Mumofoneandone · 27/07/2026 13:55

Sassysangria2201 · 27/07/2026 13:16

She is at uni locally so lives here full time. She’s not in hols atm )not in UK)

Show quote history

Even more important to bottom out house rules, if there isn't a deadline for her going away to university.
It will make her a better housemate in the future when she does move out! Basic life lessons!

Allseeingallknowing · 27/07/2026 13:54

takealettermsjones · 27/07/2026 13:44

If she's got her own sitting room etc, could a small area of that be set up with some kitchen basics - e.g. small fridge, kettle, air fryer? Then you can say the main family kitchen is closed at 10 but she can still make food in her own area if she needs to.

She needs to wash up as well!

principalskinna · 27/07/2026 13:48

The kitchen is shut at 9 pm

allthemind · 27/07/2026 13:47

This drives me insane. Cooking food and having showers after midnight when we have to be up for work in 6 hours. The only way I have found to deal with it is shout at them and bang on doors and ruin their summer holiday chill by nagging them to get it all done before 11pm.

takealettermsjones · 27/07/2026 13:44

If she's got her own sitting room etc, could a small area of that be set up with some kitchen basics - e.g. small fridge, kettle, air fryer? Then you can say the main family kitchen is closed at 10 but she can still make food in her own area if she needs to.

palorina · 27/07/2026 13:40

I'd speak to the boyfriend at the same time as DSD. He is bashing around cooking late aswell. The pair of them need a bit of a wake up call, nothing too hectic, just a reminder that the house is for everyone and would they mind not cooking after 9pm. Oh and make sure you bring in your plates and stuff down to the kitchen every morning, thanks, there's flies and maggots around in this heat and they will get under your bed.

Start slow, then ramp it up. DH needs to say it aswell. They are probably not doing too much wrong but if it's getting on your nerves, something has to give. It's your house too. I'm sorry to say this, but the fact that she is your DSD might mean that she doesn't have much respect for you as her stepmum, and won't care what you say. Whereas her father needs to do that, and make sure he does.

Wickedwhiskers · 27/07/2026 13:33

Agree with discussing house rules - if she was in a shared student house they'd do this! Trouble is that she'll expect you to also abide by them eg the clearing up thing! Leave a plate out and you'll hear about it!!

Raccoonswillonedayrevolt · 27/07/2026 13:23

Rules for when it is ok to use the kitchen. Strict clean up after yourself policy. And rota for deep cleaning the kitchen.
And buy a cheap 4 set of crockery from Asda just for her, as she is no longer allowed to use your dishes due to hoarding.

sittingonabeach · 27/07/2026 13:22

Students tend to be more nocturnal. But you need to set some house rules.

For those saying kick her out, would you make your own DC who is uni student homeless?

Cosmosforbreakfast · 27/07/2026 13:22

Your husband needs to have your back. Then all 3 of you can sit down and discuss rules. There is no point in you trying to do this on your own, your husband has to be a willing participant. She's not 'only a teenager', she's 19 and at this stage should not be leaving plates build up in her room. She can batch cook a few meals for the freezer to take out late at night rather than starting a full on cook.

Original poster
Sassysangria2201 · 27/07/2026 13:16

Mumofoneandone · 27/07/2026 13:04

Negotiating with a university student during their holidays is tricky! They are learning to be independent whilst living away from home but are then returning home and different rules apply!
However, a bit like a housing contract, there are acceptable and unacceptable behaviour within a house setting.
You need to sit down with your DD (&DH?!) and have a conversation with her. Whilst both sides need to listen to the other about how things are going to work within your house going forward, bottom line is, somethings are not going to be acceptable. She either has to accept that or find alternative accommodation.
DH has also got to work on his attitude as well!!

She is at uni locally so lives here full time. She’s not in hols atm )not in UK)

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 27/07/2026 13:15

Sit down together, all the adults in the house (you, DD and DH), and agree some house rules. It will make your DD a better housemate when she's back at uni. If she can't be respectful and considerate then you can withdraw visitor privileges. Is she doing all her own food and toiletries shopping? Because that's another thing you could stop.