How do you just carry on?

So how do you deal with life with disabled kids then? Maybe you could suggest something yanno... helpful?

Steps are in their 20s with their own homes

You've got a DH problem... he 'helps'?! He's just as much a parent as you are, in fact more so regarding your step children.

Most people find parenting stressful, or elements of it. He doesn't get to opt out.

Doesn’t he

These are obviously children at least 10 years old. At least.

So in the evening, you kick back whilst they kick back or do something with their dad

Oh and the middle one defiantly refusing to tidy up her things? Put all that in a bin bag in the loft and see how quick that changes. Either that or they’ll have nothing left to make a mess with. Make it a choice not a demand if they have pda. “I don’t have time to tidy this would you like to do it or will I just bag it up and put it all away?” Your eldest will learn they don’t have to do anything and so the cycle continues, you’re being too soft. And I do get it I have two AuDhd kids

Step children are old enough to understand you are knackered and having an early night so only visit if they want to see their dad.

Your partner sounds useless.

If you keep up the “everyone else’s needs are more important than mine” approach op, you’re doomed. They will all keep taking until you drop. Lower everyone’s expectations of you and prioritise yourself at points. What CAN they all do. Your husband CAN entertain his own children. Your mum CAN enjoy a more chilled week and take care of herself, that’s still a break from caring for her husband. Look at everything you do and ask if you’re martyring yourself, there will be lots of things I assure you.

Op, you really do need to take this evening to yourself. Tell everyone you’re feeling unwell/run down and disappear up to your room with a book/ipad and Netflix. And you need to do this when your mum is with you as well. Not every evening, but once or twice. You need to carve time out

How old are the step children? And your children? If their Dad's home in the evening when they come over, why can't they all watch a film together or play a board game or whatever and you still go and have that early night? "I don't feel too good, I'm going up early tonight" and just go read your book or have a bath or listen to a podcast or whatever you need to do in a space on your own.

If you're too tired for a big long walk, just take a short walk and have a sit down on a bench. Again, take a book, take an audio book, listen to your favourite music, or just go and sit and rest and decompress.

While your mum's there, tell her you don't feel great but that she can take the kids out for the day. It's true - you don't feel great. If your mum will only do this if she thinks you've got a headache just say it's a headache.

Do you get any respite with your disabled child?

No, I’m not. Or at least I don’t think so and nor do others on this thread.

You think I’m being rude.

That doesn’t mean I’m being rude per se

No @Weekendnaughtinessyou are being rude and insensitive to a person who is clearly struggling. There is no reason to post anything if all you have to offer is meanness. Just go find other thread/place in life where you can make yourself useful.

@exhaustedbear take up reading, it’s been my saviour in the past. I simply say to everyone in the house (once I’ve had enough for one day), that I’m going upstairs to read. I close the bedroom door of an evening and relax with a good book.

No one seems to mind and I quite like being called a ‘book worm’.

You need to be less of a people pleaser.

Hopefully OP's mum won't be too exhausted from her own caring duties to mind her grandchildren for a few hours -and is capable of doing so.

You can indeed just bugger off, they’re his kids, old enough to understand that you need some space. Take yourself off for an early night and let them spend time with their dad, conjure up a headache as an excuse if it makes you feel less guilty. You need a rest at some point or you’ll break.

Tell everyone you are feeling unwell and need to go to bed. DH can entertain his adult child.

I hear you OP - I am the same, exhausted, never seem to get a break.

A while ago my DP and I decided we had to schedule alternate weekends with no plans outside the family as recovery time. This has fallen away but I’m going to start it again, or I am just ground down.

I consider going to work my break. At least I get some moments alone there!

Is saying “wow I’m so tired, I’m having an early night” once your own kids are in bed not an option?

You dont have to stay up though, they can expect it, but you're only one person, you can't be everything to everyone.

Your dh needs to step up and act like a parent. If hes adding to your stress and also not helping then what's the point of him? You would be as well leave and then you'll get at least a day or two a week where he has all of the kids and you can get a break.

Well I think it points to the fact that the OP needs to take a less passive approach if she wants anything to change.

You don't just wake up to find you have a husband, three children and two step children. Plus presumably an ex-husband in the mix.

You do not have to be about tonight just because the sc are coming. One night off wont damage anything. Take yourself off to your bedroom for the evening. You need it. The kids can hang out with their dad! He could even take them out for a couple of hours (cinema?).

Sounds like an evening off is essential to the rest of your week being ok!

Yes, you talk about all these things as if they just "happened", without any deliberate decision on your part.

And the prize for least helpful advice goes to…..