DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

delete them, tell him you have deleted them, remind him that this was your past and then leave him to it. he will come to his senses and if he doesn't good riddance

Well from what I’m reading it seems OP has been in this ‘new’ relationship for two years and the videos are ten years old. They’ve been downloaded each time she’s had a new phone and she forgot they were there. If that’s genuinely the case, the only thing she needs to apologise for is not deleting them.

And OP says there were around thirty minutes of video, so it would seem that BF has had a good look before he decided he was outraged, and even then the only take away seems to have been the sex act OP won’t do with him. So he hasn’t exactly covered himself in glory either.

OMG. Seriously you want him to forgive you ? It should be the other way around. He should be begging for your forgivness for his ridiculous behaviour. What have you done wrong here? Is this how you want to live your life being manipulated like this.

Walk away and be thankfully you have only wasted 2 years with him. You will have a lucky escape.

It’s about context though. OP says these videos are ten years old. They pre date this relationship by some years and while I can understand his shock at finding them, his subsequent behaviour is a giant red flag. Not least because he’s using them to make a point about OP’s refusal to engage in a particular act. I can’t think of a similar situation in which a woman would react in the same way.

Read this post @July26 . Read it several times because everything you’ve posted about your partner indicates he do this.

You left some videos on your phone. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t lie to him. You haven’t done anything that warrants this level of vitriol.

You are desperate for his forgiveness and he will know that. Even if you did the act he is obsessed about it won’t stop him wanting to punish you. This man’s insecurity has the potential to absolutely ruin not only whatever relationship forms after your conversation but your longer term MH.

Many of us on this forum seem to ‘jump to assumptions’ where others do not because we have been there and done that. You get to an age and a level of experience where you can spot a pattern or a personality a mile off.

A lot of people would be upset at seeing that kind of video on a partners phone, no one would deny that. But very few of them would react as your partner has, fewer again would turn the argument to chastise you for not agreeing to a sexual act with them.

Have the conversation with him by all means but don’t go into it thinking you deserved to be punished.

So you’re inferring that because she has had sex historically, tried sex acts she then realised she didn’t enjoy, and engaged in videoing of a sex act she is more likely to cheat?

Perhaps stop considering this in terms of right or wrong.

It may be worth considering of you were holding on to the videos for other reasons such as your discomfort in making them originally and knowing that there may be other copies out there. If there is more going on you may have something to process there. That seems more likely than “I forgot this thing I was really uncomfortable about at the time so I kept it.”

But also be prepared to accept that sometimes these things do end a relationship even if there is no malicious intent, that way you are perhaps better prepared for any discussion.

And that’s precisely why this relationship has run its course. BF snooped through OP’s phone. 🚩 OP had XXX videos with a previous partner on her phone. 🚩 BF has seen OP doing a sex act with another man that she no longer consents to—saying she did it and didn’t enjoy it is one thing; holding onto a video for a decade, then her partner actually WATCHING it is a completely different kettle of fish. Of course he’s not going to forget this. And perhaps he will never stop asking OP to do it. 🚩 OP needs to move on (and delete her homemade porn videos 🚩 before her next relationship).

Correct Lydia.

The only thing you have to be sorry for and that’s again if you want to is for not deleting them sooner.

Don’t be sorry for having a sex life before you met.

Don’t be sorry for recording it.

Don’t be sorry because you did whatever sex act with ex but not current.

Also don’t feel you need to do whatever that sex act was to keep this relationship as I bet that will come up at some point.

“Fine I’ll stay but only if we recreate those videos it’s only fair after all.”

So now there’s “nothing wrong” or needing an apology in keeping explicit videos of you and an ex on your phone whilst in a new relationship. Wtf am I reading?

And where’s the waterline when you’re coercing your partner to engage in a sex act they no longer want to do, because they did it with another partner ? Because this is exactly what’s going to happen. And these videos will be brought up again and again as leverage in every single argument.

This is really, really concerning, OP. Even leaving aside going through your phone, he's got some fucked up ideas about consent.

I think the general reactions are unfair as if this was a man keeping sexual videos of him with an ex, I’m sure people would support her going through the phone and it being a justification for following ‘spidey instincts’.

Perhaps those of us who have had abusive partners recognise red flags.

Went mental.

Stormed out.

Sent a long text about how insulted he felt.

Will accept a sincere apology.

Rinse and repeat.

This
1000%

I would be so glad he was gone, I would be insane with happiness.

Let him be on his way with directions to a shop that sells lifelike “girlfriend experience” adult sex dolls.

If he was going to leave he wouldn’t have sent the long message. I might apologise for having the videos on my phone but that’s all.

He says it’s hurtful that something (an ‘act’) I’ve ‘refused’ to do with him which is in one of the videos is insulting.

So really his threat to break up is manipulation to do a sex act you don't want to do now and with him. Just because you did something years ago mean you have to consent now.

He wants you to do something you didn't enjoy sexually in the past. If you told him you didn't enjoy it and he's still "insulted" you won't do it with him, he wants to use your body as an object for his pleasure, and the hell with yours.

He's sexually coercive and manipulative. Let him be on his way.

Yes, either someone is “very, very good” or “very, very bad”. Some posters will revert to the latter for pretty much men, projecting their own bad experiences. If they had an abusive partner, then any hint of poor behaviour in a post will be exaggerated to the max to help prove her point that all men are very very bad

He won’t leave you, he’s punishing you. I’d call his bluff and say you’re sorry he saw it but he shouldn’t be nosey and if he wants to split then it’s his choice. Bet he backs down.
BUT I wouldn’t want to be with someone that behaved like that anyway

Yes, he ended the relationship which I think was an overreaction but understandable. However, the way in which he did so and his subsequent posts have made the matter unsalvagable.

100%

He can’t be angry at you doing any kind of consensual sex act with a previous partner - that’s clearly unreasonable. You weren’t his property then and you aren’t his property now.

What he can be reasonably upset about is the idea (I know you haven’t btw) that you may have knowingly saved them as your ex still turns you on and you want to rewatch them. That’s obviously going to make him massively insecure. You’ll need to make it very clear that it’s not true.

Of course I’d put money on there being a chorus of LTB! Perhaps someone should try posting this in a few weeks to test it out!

That said, I don’t believe the man here has behaved well… just that it’s understandable given what he found.

Also, just because I find something “understandable” doesn’t mean I think it’s complete ok, just that we don’t live in a binary world where our actions are either simply “good” or “bad”.