DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

You know the apology will require you to do anal like you did for the last guy, right? You did with someone else, so he is feeling owed. Just so you are forewarned.

OP don't grovel. This is a tactic to coerce you into the act you're not comfortable with. It's so hard to see it when you're in it, but my ex crucified me for every minor thing just to keep the upper hand and to keep me down and trying to win him round. Please take some time before talking to him to get perspective. Talk to someone IRL about this. You've nothing to be ashamed of.

You’ve dodged a bullet there. Move on and don’t look back as he has shown you a red flag 🚩

This will be one of those threads with a hugely sexist bias.

A woman looks at her partner’s phone - well apparently that’s fine.

A man has a video of himself and his ex - well apparently that’s grounds for a split.

But as it’s a man looking at the phone and a woman with the video, there will be pages of LTB.

I don’t know…
Bar the first two, I’ve come across similar conclusions….
Maybe if people are reading the same from this guy behaviour, there is a reason?

Exactly what I was going to say.

OP, think long and hard about this.

We can only judge on what you have written, which puts him in a bad light. Maybe in all other respects he is fine and this was one thing after a bad day or other troubles at work etc.

But I still question who's idea it was that he uses your phone when his is on charge.

Do not be coerced into anything further down the line. Being single, free and happy is far better than being in a bad relationship for the sake of it.

I agree with PP. You have nothing to apologize for. You did these videos before you were with him. You don't need to apologize for doing them. You aren't married and you do not live together. You can keep the videos if you want to.

But the thing that sticks in my craw is that you 'did something' back then that you have decided 'isn't for you' and he is angry you won't do it with him. Frankly, this infuriates me. No one owes anyone any 'sexual act'. I swear, if you apologize to him for that, when I die I will come haunt you!!! Too many women submit to too many things they don't enjoy because the men in their lives 'guilt' them into it, tell them that 'everyone does it' or threaten to 'find it elsewhere'.

Oh, ETA; Don't be surprised if in your conversation with him he says something along the lines of 'If you do X with me that will show you really love me and I'll take you back'.

You need to be very careful here. People read what they want to read agd answers are not always helpful.

1- your DP has been snopping. No way he just ‘stumbled’ on videos that are 10 years old.
2- if you had indeed being watching them regularly, you’d have put them in a separate folder rather than going through 10+ years worth of photos.
3- his main issue seems that you dint want to do with him what you’ve done with your ex. Right…. Is it a competition? Is there the assumption that if he did it with him then you have to do it with me? Can you see how badly it comes out?
4- he doesn’t trust you. And that is tge biggest problem. You’ve explained, apologised (even though theres nothing to apologise about) yet he is chosing to not believe you. Fine his choice. What about next time when you’ll do xyz and he isn’t happy about it. Will he believe you or are you in a never ending loop of ‘being caught out’ apologies, him not believing you etc…. (Note I dint believe you were caught out doing anything. Everyone has a life before their DP. Traces of those times exist. Pretty normal)

the dumping was just a "punishment", he took her back next day 🤣

(You need to read the whole thread)

So far I've read the below information in posts, despite no mention in OP posts

• DP is controlling
• DP is manipulative
• DP is spying on OP because he doesn't trust her
• DP does not understand consent
• OP will be pressurised/ blackmailed into doing a sex act she does not want to do
• DP will bring up the issue of the video at multiple future references so they can never move on.

Why not just fabricate a whole new narrative? Or just make up a backstory for a laugh? People are literally making up stuff on this thread.

This writ large…

Can you not see how this will play out:
you apologise, sincerely…… grovel even
he graciously accepts your apology and tells you all will be well as long as you tow the line…. don’t step out of line
Till the next time he finds fault with something you do
you end up second guessing yourself, trying to keep the peace/towing the line, treading on eggshells
and the incidents where he tells you you are wrong, did the wrong thing, ‘disappointed’ him et cetera stack up

Until you are a shadow of your former self.

It doesn’t need to be like this.
Read Women Who Love Too Much
and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

You are worth more than this!

He wasn't coercing. He's left the relationship - it's over. He was explaining part of why the videos upset him so much.

'If one of them is out of reach/on charge' to me would suggest they're together. If you put your phone on charge and you were not together, how would you use their phone? Same as out of reach.

Not sure – only OP can answer that. Has he done it before? Has she cared/said he could or she didn't mind? Can't answer those questions.

Agree. So cavalier. It's the 'I forgot I had 6 sex videos on my phone of me and ex, doesn't everyone?' that would upset me as much as the content itself, if I were her partner.

I'm not a prude and even having married 40 years, DH and I do not keep anything sex related in our photo or video stash. I think you were very naive holding onto those on your phone and am surprised by your DP's reaction.

1. apologise for the shock he may have had finding them and for not deleting them
2. explain that doing or try a sex act a decade ago doesn’t mean your up for it now or more likely informs how you know if you want to do it or not
3. for yourself - remember you haven’t done anything TO HIM he saw something from a previous relationship. Yes it’s upsetting but it had nothing to with him he didn’t exist in your mind at that point.

if he can’t forgive or forget that sucks and it’s ok to be upset and feel distraught. But don’t lose sight of the fact you haven’t done anything wrong by have past relationships or past sexual experiences don’t create shame where there is none.

Given the fact that she let him access her phone freely and without conditions, then yes, it does seem exactly that!

The OP hasn’t said he hacked in by guessing her password, or took advantage when the screen was unlocked… She’d given him her passcode and left it free to use! It’s like giving someone you key to come and go when they please, but you hadn’t specified to them that you didn’t want them to use it at 11am on a Saturday,
but you then got angry anyway when they arrived!

If you don’t want someone looking at what’s on your phone, don’t give them unrestricted access to it, and don’t then blame them for something they then find!

What do you feel you need forgiveness for? Having a relationship a decade ago?

Not doing a sex act you don't want to do and don't enjoy but he wants to? He feels betrayed by that?

You have nothing to seek forgiveness for. You haven't wronged him in any way. He went through your phone and watched enough of your decade old sex videos to see you did a sex act he wants a decade ago.

Saying no to a sex act you don't want to do is not wronging him nor is it a betrayal. He may be trying to present it as that but that's manipulation on his part.

What is it about her phrasing that suggests under supervision to you? I just read it as ... they use each other's phone on occasion.

Bit that would suggest under supervision. He was left alone with her phone and accesed her camera roll. Which he did not have permission to do

She also said this in her second post:

"We use each others phones on occasion if one of them is out of reach/charging, I am certainly not secretive."

Is saying how sorry you are going to include doing a sex act you're not comfortable with? Because I bet that's coming next.

I told you he'd come back. And expect grovelling and yo to do whatever he wants. First part is true already....

I think we agree then, it’s right that she apologise for having not deleted them. I’m not saying she’s done anything else.

I also agree that her DP has behaved poorly, and made a bad situation much worse.

They dont live together. They have been in a relationship for 2 years. He was at hers and she went in the shower. Her own wording is:

My partner went through my phone
He was watching a video while I was in the shower and accessed my camera roll

Does that sound like a couple who have an agreement that they have free access to each others phone?