DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

OP I hope you have a calm conversation with DP. But again, I don't think you have anything to apologise for other. Poor phone maintenance perhaps, but nothing worse. DP trying to paint you as the bad one because of this feels manipulative, and as others said, he may try to use this to control you. Treat carefully and reconsider the relationship for your part. Good luck.

Because honestly, I’d have to go so far back to find them. Also would have to click onto each individual video from that time to be able to actually see what it is and if it’s one of them. I have no interest in seeing it again.

Yes, because I don’t watch them 🤷🏼‍♀️ I had no interest in rewatching them at the time either. I have over 139,000 pictures and videos on my phone…. It would take a fair amount of time to flick back to rewatch it or delete it.

Also, I didn’t hide the fact they are still on my phone either.

Such double standards. If I found old sex videos on my dh phone of him with his ex, I’d be very upset. Is t it just courteous to delete them? Especially if she’s vanilla with her current one but spicy with her ex. Yeah, consent and all that, but she’s living on cloud cuckoo land if she thinks it’s all fine. Learn a lesson and delete any sex videos when you meet someone you fall in love with.

Ok sure he wasn’t happy, but he really needs to get over himself.

Everyone’s got a past and a lot of us have done things that we now look back and thoroughly cringe at.

Don’t grovel and don’t let him use this as a stick to beat you with.

Good luck 💐

“He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’”

You have done nothing wrong. He is upset (I wouldn’t like it either to be fair), but you did nothing deliberate to hurt him and have nothing to apologise for. If he can’t get over it then it was not meant to be.
Whatever you do, do NOT agree to do the act you dont like with him as some kind of apology.

Because he is male of course.

Sex videos of you and your ex? Yeah sorry but I’m sure none of the posters here would be ok finding this in their DPs phone. Why are people suggesting he is in the wrong for this?

I know I’ve got multiple videos on my phone from me and my ex. I don’t watch them etc, but like you it’s just from my phone transferring over.
Out of interest why have you not deleted them if its an ex and you dont look at them? Its not like you have forgotten about them. If nothing else they are taking up storage space?

I say this as a CIS woman, you’re in the wrong.

DP went through your phone? Why
Op has already explained how he came across them.

DP went through your phone? Why?

Personally that would be huge red flag, even without the rest of it.

They were

.

Hear, hear.
Dear God, who needs blokes like this?

I think people are making massive negative assumptions about both the OP and her partner.

It’s perfectly possible that he will have calmed down and will apologise for how he has reacted. And OP will explain and reassure him.

Obviously regarding ‘the act’, it does somewhat depend on what it is. This isn’t a sex site or page so I am not going there, but if it is something most people do most of the time, he has good reason to at least ask OP to explain why it is no longer on the agenda. OTOH, if it is something weird (for want of a better word) there’s no reason to believe that, once OP had explained that it is no longer for her, he won’t accept it.

Not everyone is manipulative and unpleasant.

Your partner knows that you’ve got multiple sex tapes on your phone of you and your ex yet you haven’t deleted them? Bizarre

If I saw there on my boyfriends phone I would think him to be looking at them and getting turned on. But then I think a man would. But as a woman I know for a fact I wouldn't rewatch them and I believe you didnt either.
if he wants to continue being with you he must never mention this again. But if he ends it then I think it would mean he can't get the images out his head. And that would be the best thing.
He's a nosey fucker going through your photos though, especially ten years back. I would think hes quite possessive and doesn't trust you. Do you feel he can be possessive?

I know I’ve got multiple videos on my phone from me and my ex. I don’t watch them etc, but like you it’s just from my phone transferring over.

My partner knows but certainly doesn’t get arsey about it, this is an ex from 8 years ago that I have zero interest in.

Id say he’s over reacted.

My husband and I don't go looking through each others phones, because we trust one another. He won't even look in my handbag if I need my asthma inhaler, he always brings my bag to me. It seems very odd to me that your goes looking through your phone. Is he looking for a way out of the relationship?

I would be questioning why videos of nearly 10yrs old of my partner having sex with their now ex-partner are still.on their phone. Is it a turn on, like looking at them? And if you've changed phone in this nearly years - you've had opportunties to really think about getting rid.

And on the flip side - how far through your phone was your DP going through (or are they recently watched videos) ?

No, If this was reversed in terms of the man and the woman, my response would be the same - it's okay to be upset that your (male) DP is holding onto this sort of intimate stuff frm a previous relationship but.... it was in the past, you shouldn't have been snooping on his phone and it's not okay to use this as a stick to beat him with.

I don't blame her partner for not being happy and I think she made a mistake to keep this stuff on her phone. But he shouldn't hav ebeen snooping and his OTT reaction is ridiculous. Including one of his issues being that she did an act with one man she won't do with him. I did all kinds of things in previous situations and relationships (and Im' not talking sexually necessarily) that I don't do anymore and dh wouldn't expect me to.

Don't get coerced into anything. That other message about some sex act you did with your ex but you've refused to do it with him and now this message - he's setting you up for what you "have" to do to "earn forgiveness". Be wary of his motives from now on, any contact may not be about getting back with you but about using you and getting revenge.

The way he's worded it "refused to do" actually bothers me OP. It sounds like he's been trying to pressure you into something? Otherwise it's just a simple ask if you fancy doing xyz and you telling him you're not into that, then it's the end of that subject. Leaving this row aside, I'm wondering if you're just sexually incompatible anyway.

"What do you feel you need forgiveness for? Having a relationship a decade ago?
Not doing a sex act you don't want to do and don't enjoy but he wants to? He feels betrayed by that?
You have nothing to seek forgiveness for. You haven't wronged him in any way. He went through your phone and watched enough of your decade old sex videos to see you did a sex act he wants a decade ago.
Saying no to a sex act you don't want to do is not wronging him nor is it a betrayal. He may be trying to present it as that but that's manipulation on his part."

This with bells on. If you approach this as you needing his forgiveness, you are giving him carte blanche to hold this against you and manipulate you into sex acts you no longer wish to perform. Since these are old videos, he must surely have had to scroll along way back to find them; there was surely no need for him to do this if he was looking for a recent photo. I agree with PPs - the fact that he is somewhat shocked and perturbed at finding those videos is natural and you could apologise for not having deleted them, but it does sound like he was snooping through your phone which is a red flag and the way he's tried to punish you for the videos is another one.

You need to stand really firm on this - you can say you realise it was a shock to find those videos, say you had forgotten all about them and acknowledge that they should be deleted (and delete them) but don't get involved in begging him to forgive you for anything bigger than that as he will use it as a stick to beat you with. FWIW, I've been with DH for 25+ years; there's a sex act I have occasionally done with him in the past which is no longer on the cards and DH has accepted that without any discussion or push back. We are allowed to change our minds about these things; that's how consent works.