DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

Where are the blanks ? OP had some explicit video on her phone from a relationship ten years ago. She forgot about it and her partner of two years found it and said it was the end of the relationship. There are no blanks to fill in - she clearly had no problem with him having access to her phone so entirely believable that she forgot they were there.

But his behaviour was appalling and in no way comparable to a reverse of the sexes. Why ? Because his problem wasn’t the actual video, it was the fact that OP engaged in a sex act in that video footage that she will not consent to now. And that’s been his problem ever since. To the point where he’s now got her grovelling and taking him out for a meal to show him how sincerely sorry she is. Sorry for what ? For having a life before him ? And we all know what will come next, so let’s not pretend we don’t.

"Maybe if people are reading the same from this guy behaviour, there is a reason?"

It's called confirmation bias.

There is actually very little detail to go off so people love to fill in the gaps. Notice everyone saying OPs behaviour is fine and DP is a monster are not saying they would be fine with the sexes reversed. There are plenty of threads on MN where women advocate going through a partners phone (as long as it is a man) and these same people would say it is a red flag if a man held on to videos like this.

There are so many blanks in this story that anyone reaching hard conclusions is not trying to provide helpful advice and is only acting out their own prejudices.

@Enrichetta ,

‘I agree, but OP won’t take a blind bit of notice as her boundaries are non-existent and her self-esteem is in the 🚾…’

What is that post intended to achieve? You know next to nothing about the OP, her partner or their relationship.

Someone posts for advice when at a low ebb and all you do is attack her.

LTB isn’t always the correct advice and, even when it is, the poster needs to be ready to hear it.

I hope her and her partner have sorted out their difficulty and are happily back together.

@July26 Interesting that he is not annoyed at the videos but at things in them that you've denied him as you don't want to do them but that he feels he's entitled to now missing out on...... I'd get rid. He will keep pestering you for it.

I agree, but OP won’t take a blind bit of notice as her boundaries are non-existent and her self-esteem is in the 🚾…

Totally disagree, this wouldn't particularly bother me. When moving house recently, in a box, in the loft I found some sexual Polaroid photos of myself and my first husband taken about 35 years ago. I has totally forgotten that I had them. My only reaction on seeing them was "ooh wasn't I thin then!".

I told my current husband about finding them (obviously didn't show them to him) and he just thought it was funny.

Obviously I destroyed them, but they meant absolutely nothing. They'd just been forgotten about.

When I told my DH about this thread, he thought the OP's partner was an over reacting,, paranoid, controlling nutter.

Op, I think you need to take a step back and consider why you need to ‘make it up’ to anyone for something you did 10 years ago, 8 years before you met them. And that’s not even considering a) the invasion of privacy of scrolling back that far to look at private material on someone else’s phone and b) applying sexual pressure to do anything contained in those videos.

He sounds controlling, unreasonable and bang out of order. Personally, I would consider this a wake up call and a clear insight into a man who is sneaky and controlling. Not someone I would want to spend any time with and certainly not one to consider having a family with.

Take a step back: what would you advise a friend in this situation? Then apply that to yourself.

He’s given you a very clear indication of the sort of person he is. Respect yourself and don’t ignore it.

I am worried he is looking into your phone in such detail. Dp and I would never do that. Don't feel you have to grovel to make the peace. Everyone has a past and he should not have been looking. Also that is a very shaming response to the videos and must have upset you. That isn't great.

His response bothers me OP, as others have said. Fair enough he was upset, but he was upset because your preferences have changed and he thinks he’s missing out…..you don’t owe him dinner, you haven’t really done anything wrong beyond forgetting to delete some old videos. Be very cautious going forward I think he may use the sex act he wants and you did for someone else as a stick to beat you with. He doesn’t sound very emotionally mature and his response was to punish you by withdrawing rather than discussing in a rational manner. Just keep your eyes open, you are not at fault here.

What about if he didn't enjoy the act in question, so he'd only kept six videos of him doing it? Surely that would change things?

This thread is mental. So far off the mark.

I am sure there is millons of women who have no issues with a man having sex videos of them with previous partners

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

And what about women who expect sex because if they dont any their partner must not love them or like them or be cheating or any other made up thing women complain contsantly about how hard done by they are, it can work both ways

Men and women have wants and needs but I am sure there is millons of women who have no issues with a man having sex videos of them with previous partners

He isn’t pressuring me into doing anything, he just explained that he found it hard to begin with going without something which he always had in his past relationships and seeing such a graphic video stirred these emotions.

Pressurising doesn’t necessarily mean pestering and cajoling you to do it. I’d argue that what he said is pressurising, and not particularly subtle either.

That said, I can understand why he’s not happy if all his previously partners have done this (oral by any chance?) and you did this previously with an ex, and now you won’t with him.

Obviously it’s your choice whether you do anything, and you shouldn’t do something you’re uncomfortable with, but I fear that now he’s seen those videos, he can’t unsee them, and this sex act, or lack of, will become a wedge between you that moving forward far more than anything else in this sorry affair.

There is not one single, solitary woman on planet Earth or beyond, who would be happy about finding graphic sex videos with an ex on their partner's phone.

Add to that, if videos in question show the partner, say, performing oral sex on this ex, an act he now refuses to do for the current partner.

And to further add to this, she now has to apologise to him for going through his phone! 😂

Couldn't fucking make it up in this place sometimes!

Let me ask you something. If you looked on your partners’s phone and found videos (OP says there’s more than one and about 30 min of footage) would you watch them all and then complain that there’s a sex act in there that they refuse to do with you ? And when you’d sorted things out and go back together, would that sex act still be your main focus ? Because that’s what’s happening here.

He has OP crawling to him trying to make amends and l think we all know what’s coming next. This isn’t a direct comparison with anything a woman might do in the same situation and he lost any high ground he may have had the minute that sex act became his focus.

I’m also intrigued as to why you think he would feel ‘betrayed’ by something that pre dated their relationship by eight years. More like he’s using it to get what he wants - the sex act he’s ‘living without’. Poor lamb.

Put the boot on the other foot and let me ask you.. If you looked on his phone and found a video of him and an ex would you be outraged? Straight answer, yes you would. So why is he unreasonable? Because he's a man? Of course he isn't being unreasonable.

He's upset and said it's over because he feels betrayed.

Give him some time to calm down and be lead by rational thoughts not emotional ones and see what he says. If he's blocked you it'll be hard for you to contact him, but try to let him know you love and miss him.

The prob is once you feel betrayed it stays with you, you don't get over it, so you may well have fd this relationship up. I'm so sorry.

I see you have smoothed things over. I don't think though that he is a good man or that he has behaved well. He obviously went looking or, at best, stumbled over them. He ignored the fact that they were from 10 years ago and obviously watched enough to spot you doing something which you won't do with him. He then kicked off about it. I would not think well of a man who made immediate threats of leaving me and expected me to plead for his return. I think you may come to regret getting him back. I don't think for a moment he is going to drop the issue of you doing whatever it is that he wants and which you don't want to do.

No, I wouldn't be thrilled about finding something like that on my husband's phone but I wouldn't end a relationship over some forgotten videos from over a decade ago and long before we were together. I'd like to believe I wouldn't have watched them or at least talked I'd have talked reasonably to him about it. (To be honest, we've been together so long that the internet was in its infancy and any video would have been cutting edge technology.) I don't think my husband would have watched the video in those circumstances - I mean it must have been clear early on what the video was about. And I'd very much doubt he'd be expecting me to beg for his return. He does realise people make mistakes and that almost everybody has a past.

@summitfever I agree, but perhaps they will live happily ever after if @July26 apologises enough.

That sounds like sexual coercion I’m sorry. He was clearly angry and jealous that you’d done something with an ex that you’re not prepared to do now.
he’s behaving that by staying with you (and you taking him to dinner) that he’s doing you a favour! I wouldn’t touch him with someone else’s bargepole. He’ll start putting pressure on you to do whatever the act was next.

How do you know it's pornography? Perhaps they were filming their love-making?

This is all a farce for him the ‘sex act’ that he is sad he will be living without will be the stick to beat you with forever!! On top of that how on earth do you trust a man who had been through your phone!! If like me you have 1000’s of photos he is going to have to have scrolled, looked at all your personal photos from 10 years ago - found the video and watched most of it!!

This is not a nice man!! leave now before it gets worse, and fuck taking this idiot out for a meal - what on earth are you apologising for?…,

Op you are in dangerous territory here, this is classic DARVO, and potentially the start of sexual coercion. Even if he’s not “nasty” about it, he’s already using this against you and to guilt you into doing what he wants. This is not good OP, not good at all!

Ah, now we're getting to the bottom of it! It's not that you had the old videos and had forgotten about them, it's because you did a sexual act with other men that you won't do with him. Got it.

Has he ever heard of the concept of consent? It doesn't matter what you did then. I appreciate that it might have been hard to see, but his reaction smacks of male entitlement. And he has YOU making it up to HIM, after he's caused you all this relationship stress? Quite apart from him being a controlling so-and-so, how have you not got the massive ick?

He PUNISHED you because he saw you doing something ten years ago that you don't want to do now. Yuck, yuck, yuck. You have done NOTHING wrong and HE should be begging for another chance. He sounds like a whiny fifteen-year-old. Dump him and find a real man. 🤮

I would be afraid that he’s going to use this to coerce you into doing sexual acts that you are unhappy about now. Based on you doing them with someone else. If he does then he is a nasty piece of work. In this circumstance you should dump him. I doubt you would, but you should.

Op it isn’t you that should be apologising. He scrolled through your phone watched the videos and then moaned because you don’t do that with him. If he now expects that act you need to walk/run. He has invaded your privacy.