DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

It's very concerning that you did nothing wrong (forgetting some old sex videos are on your phone is not doing something wrong), yet he has then manipulated you into thinking you are the one in the wrong.

You had NOTHING to apologise for, and you clearly don't see how manipulative your boyfriend is as you are taking him out to dinner to "make it up to him".

Your boyfriend is insecure, controlling, and manipulative.

My abusive exH always seemed to manage to get ME apologising after every time he beat me, because it was "my fault", I "drove him to it", etc. etc.

Honestly, @July26 you cannot see it right now, but this man has a lot of red flags, he's not a good man.

It wouldn't take two seconds to find it if you were looking for a photo though!

I feel like it will all calm down now, but he'll find something else to blow up at you for. You have not seen the last of that behaviour.

You should have said sooner OP.

Oooohhhhh I see 👀

@DurinsBane "...Especially as he told her it has been a significant part of his previous relationships..."

His previous relationships didn't work out so probably his pushy demands for -insert weird fetish here- were a significant part for the break ups. When a narcissist tells you "My ex loved anal sex" you need to interpret it as "my ex always felt pressured to performing anal sex because I love it".

@DurinsBane ,

No it doesn’t. Everyone assumes that, but it could just be oral. Some people don’t like that. Especially as he told her it has been a significant part of his previous relationships.

Well she didn’t have any problem about giving him access to her phone so that does kind of suggest she forgot they were there.

The act she won’t do now is anal. Got to be

I haven't read all the responses but who the fuck keeps 6 sex videos on their phone and 'forgets'?. Also everyone saying he must have scrolled back for ages, not really the case. My phone sorts my photos and videos out for me, I've got photos, screenshots, WhatsApp photos, videos, videos sent to me etc. I have an 8 year old video of my son scooting down the road, it takes 2 seconds to find it, it's in the video section. I wouldn't be at all happy if my partner had six sex videos on his phone with an ex. And I'd think it was bullshit that he conveniently forgot about them.

Again. OP what have you done wrong?
He flew into a rage because he got jealous and saw you did something sexual with another man 10 years ago but you won't do it with him now. He was so angry that he told you the relationship was over.
And now you are taking him out for dinner to make it up to him?
WTF.
OP if you don't stand up for yourself this relationship is doomed. You are worth more than this, don't let any man make you feel otherwise.

Why are you letting him look through your phone. Why is he asking to look? Is he jealous/controlling and manipulative. And you are allowing it. Let yourself be dumped. Let this one go. Don't fight for this relationship. You love the idea of him. He's actually not a good person.

😂

Yep. Until .your next thread OP. Good luck.

post the videos here, we can let you know whether YABU

Um sorry but he wont consider you “making it up to him” until you do whatever sex act it is

Oh he was never going to end it, OP! He wanted you to apologise, feel like you were permanently in the wrong (he'd bring this up whenever he was in a bad mood) and then you'd feel you had to carry out the same acts with him, under threat of being dumped.

He shouldn't have been looking at your phone, ffs. Those videos were a decade old. It's absolutely none of his business what you did back then.

You're making a huge mistake by apologising - now wait for him to put pressure on you to do whatever it was you were doing ten years ago.

@ThreadGuardDog ,

What aspect of what he did makes you label him controlling?

How has he tried to control her?

I can see an angry and upset man, maybe an overreaction, but he removed himself, hardly a way to control someone.

And then, when they reconciled, he explained what made him upset, surely a good thing to be able to communicate.

We haven’t had any updates. But I don’t think that you can infer anything from that.

The ‘men’ in my life (there have been two, my late husband of forty years and my present partner of ten) wouldn’t think of trying to coerce me into a sex act or anything else I wasn’t comfortable with, just because l’d done it with another partner years ago. But thanks for the not very well veiled insult. The men in my life have never displayed the same controlling and coercive traits so evident in OP’s description of events. To suggest that that’s not the case, based on what she’s actually said, is disingenuous at best.

“But his behaviour was appalling and in no way comparable to a reverse of the sexes. Why ? Because his problem wasn’t the actual video”

Wasn’t it.

So it is not possible that there could not be an issue with both? The effects could not be cumulative, you find your partner has held on to home mode porn, then you find out something else that you find upsetting but the second item doesn’t make you more upset at all?

“And we all know what will come next, so let’s not pretend we don’t.”

Well, we know what the men in your life would do. I have no idea what the OPs DP/ex will do.

Leaving aside the likelihood of forgetting about the existence of videos of engaging in sex acts you are not comfortable engaging in and were uncomfortable making (more likely they are held on to out of fear than forgotten). If someone recorded me having sex and I was uncomfortable that memory is going nowhere.

A few obvious blanks:

But how did the conversation go when the bounty around that particular act was drawn? What feels like the easiest thing to say in the moment, when replayed later can actually be a lie coming up in an emotionally charged moment.

We don’t actually know what level of “normal” using the partners phone is, my DP and I are fine with it picking up each others phones, and scrolling back through photos would be fine, often we don’t both have the same photos of events and holidays.

What was actually looked for, when I go to look for an old picture I can stumble across all kinds of things from photos of an infected cut (who knows why you would keep that) or an image sent by someone from years back about some event or other. Videos are even easier to end up going back further.

That excludes all the mind reading of intent people are doing on here about his motivation with regards everything. I appreciate so many on here seem to live in a world of genius master Svengali men, but most I come across are often fairly clueless and bumbling, very few are aware of emotions the have the skills of the manipulator men in the lives of so many on here. I’ve met a few skilful manipulators over my life but the are few and far between. I certainly know there is a difference between when someone is trying to pressure me compared with the vastly larger category when I “feel pressure.”

He scrolled back over ten years of photos/videos etc. I am guessing that the video in question is x-rated which is not ideal but going back in someone's phone that far when you did not even know them then is a massive massive red flag. Personally I would be blocking him and not worrying about when to contact him again. Walk away.

To be fair, lots of gaps have been filled in about the BF badgering OP to do the sex act. He did mention that he was upset to see a video of her doing that particular act with a previous partner.

Maybe he will end up badgering her forever if they do get back together, but based on OP’s posts, that hasn’t happened yet.

It would also depend how someone explained that they won't do certain things.

Very easy to be a bit embarrassed at having done somethings in the past and rather than say:
"I tried that and didn't like it,"
"I don't like to do that any more" or
"when I did that it was not a healthy relationship so I don't want to do that now."

Instead to say:
"I wouldn't do that sort of thing." or similar.

What seems in the moment like very close explanations much later could sound like a lie in an emotionally charged situation. We don't know the full context. Particularly if, as you say, it is something that is seen as not unusual. It would suggest some thing rather different when not just done, but done on film...