DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

I wouldn’t be trawling through his phone in the first place, but if I did find a video like that from years ago before we ever got together, I wouldn’t be upset or think he’d done anything wrong.

I expect I’d wish I could unsee it, certainly, and I’d probably ask if he could please delete it. But I wouldn’t be angry that it existed.

I think you were silly to have these on your phone. But there are notable red flags. For a start, going back that far to find videos... he was actively searching! And now he's stormed out. But I 100% guarantee he will be back... with the full expectation that you will be grovelling and apologetic and will never question anything he ever does ever again AND that you will do everything he wants at all times, forever.

How long have you been together, OP? Because if it’s anything less than 9 1/2 years then the holiday he was looking for shouldn’t have been that far back should it?

I would end a relationship because of sex videos with exes, because making these kind of videos in the first place don't align at all with my morals and values. I couldn't be with someone who's basically produced private pornography. With other people, even. That makes it even worse.

But I wouldn't react as your boyfriend. I'd just calmly tell you these videos are a deal-breaker for me and wish you a nice life.

Does your ex have a bigger 🍆 than him? If so then suspect that is the issue! He’s being a prick. Did he expect you to have been a nun before you met him? As you say you haven’t exactly hidden access to your phone - it was just unfortunate they were kept. I’d be calling his bluff. Tell him you’re sorry he found them, you hadn’t realised you’d kept them and you will delete them. But that’s the end of it and you will walk if he keeps acting like a whinging child over the fact you had a sex life before you met him (oh the very thought!!)

OP I do think he's over-reacting. But I'm from the pre-smartphone era as far as dating behaviour is concerned (been married 20 years) and perhaps there is an established etiquette that demanded you delete those videos.

What I find odd is that his mind immediately goes to 'she still looks at these videos (and draws enjoyment from them)'. Why would he think that? Does he have any reason to think you use pornographic material? Does he? If he thinks those videos would turn you on, presumably he gets turned on by similar?

It feels a bit like he's creating a situation where you beg him to take you back and he'll expect you to be grateful if he does. Someone up thread mentioned the term 'controlling'. I'm afraid I find that plausible.

So it looks to me you have a bigger problem on your hands than just getting over the issue of these videos. I hope I'm being pessimistic.

He didn't accidentally stumble across a video from ten years ago! He was snooping and nosying, and did a LOT of scrolling before he came across something this old FFS.

Why was he going through your phone? How come he has your passcode? That in itself is not right. His reaction to to fact you had a sex life before meeting him is completely irrational.

I think people are being harsh on your partner to be honest. I’d be upset if I saw an old video too, especially an explicit one. He obviously loves you and it’s made him feel weird seeing it

I think he’s being ridiculous. I also wouldn’t care if I stumbled across an old clip like that on my DP’s phone. I’d certainly ask him to delete it, but I wouldn’t think he’d done anything wrong by having it in the first place.

However, whenever I’ve seen threads on here where it’s the OP finding similar content on their boyfriend’s phone, generally the response is quite different to the one you’re getting.

Yes, it’s all the man’s fault.
LTB.

I’m sure nobody would like to see this, but he shouldn’t be looking in the first place.

People are also allowed to have a past and he has absolutely no right to get angry at her or make her feel bad for anything she done in a previous relationship before meeting him.

He’s a controlling man child and needs to grow up.

Yes. That’s normal with cloud storage.

Why would you be looking in a partners phone to find it?

I wouldn't snoop through DH's phone in the first place and even if I did, 10 years ago? I wouldn't care.

Having a different opinion doesn't make me a liar.

Stop normalising having pornography on the phone, and stop deflecting the issue by asking 'why was he looking through your phone'. I have no problem with my dc and my dh flicking through my phone and the pictures on hit, but that is because I don't keep porn on it. And, incidentally, why is this schizophrenic attitude - 'oh, this is perfectly normal to send porn pictures and videos of yourself to you partner' and in the same breath 'pornography is demeaning to women, exploitative and vile'?
P.S. If I discovered by chance, for example, that my dh keeps porn vids of him and his ex on the phone, that would be the end of the relationship.

No, you don’t just “stumble on” old videos. It takes some targeted sleuthing.

Sorry I’m with him. Can’t believe you just forgot this was in your phone.

If I found that on a new partner’s phone I would also end it.

My phone stores stuff on the cloud I've searched for pictures and they come up on phone even though they predated it

I’ve just looked on my own phone and it took me a few minutes to find and click on Videos, so I doubt the photo story.

That's what he gets snooping through your phone to the point he found very old videos. He didn't randomly come across them looking for a holiday picture.

I'd end the relationship anyway.

It sounds to me like he was looking for a reason to kick off and blame you for something. He’s gone through your phone because he wanted to find something. He obviously had to go really far back because he couldn’t find anything you’ve done wrong during your actual relationship. I’d be concerned why he needed this distraction right now. It’s almost always to distract from their own behaviour. What’s he done that he needs to distract you from finding out about?

The reaction is a red flag I think, obviously it would be upsetting for him to see them but it was inadvertent and presumably he knows you had sex before you met him. I'm not sure what his point is, you've guilty of absolutely nothing,

I don’t go through my OH’s phone. A previous OH once accidentally airdropped some x rated photos of himself intended for swinger or hookup sites to my phone though. It turned out he had a whole different online life. Blocked 🚫

Absolutely.

And some MN double standards on this thread. If the OP had found sex videos of her partner and his ex on his phone I don't think the reactions would be the same.