DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

To go by experience and peer experiences, many women keep mementos like this due to happy memories, sadness over lost love or (mostly!!) due to not administrating their private phone camera gallery efficiently and men keep them as wank material, a signifier of still having control and/or to show friends

Whereas I would think both men & women are capable of forgetting what’s on their phones from years ago. My photo sometimes randomly sends me memory things & Im surprised what comes up.

I wouldn’t contact him at all tbh. He wasn’t looking for holiday photos was he? Why would he need to go back through 10 years worth of media for that. He was looking and found something he didn’t like. I genuinely don’t believe anyone could forget they have photos/videos like that so I wouldn’t believe you if you said that and think you’d deliberately kept them. I can understand him feeling jealous or upset because of course it wouldn’t be nice to see however they were before you were with him and he shouldn’t of been snooping

I don't know what isn't clear to you? We're not talking about videos of dinners from vacations in Spain, they're sex videos - or to me, private pornography. And yes, pornography doesn't align with my morals and values.

I wouldn't believe he was 'just looking for a photo' as he wouldn't have had to go that far back. He had no right to do that. Having said that it must have been a shock for him. It's going to be hard going forward as his reaction has been so extreme.

@SouthLondonMum22 I agree that you can have old videos & photos floating around & have forgotten about them. I was just making the point when it’s the other way around it’s assumed the man has kept them purposefully as opposed to forgotten they existed.

Is he upset that you made the videos or that you kept the videos?

If it's the first one then you're not the right fit for each other and the relationship has no future.

If it's the second one wait until he calms down and is capable of a more rational discussion.

Team DP, why on earth haven’t you deleted the videos?!

The fact that the video is so old is a big part of the context for me and the fact that I'm against DP's feeling entitled to snoop through phones just because they are DP's.

A 10 year old picture of an ex wouldn't bother me either though.

Taking a video is against your morals and values? What do you mean?

To go by experience and peer experiences, many women keep mementos like this due to happy memories, sadness over lost love or (mostly!!) due to not administrating their private phone camera gallery efficiently and men keep them as wank material, a signifier of still having control and/or to show friends. And then each project their motivation onto it. So men go beserk and assume you're wanking over an ex and women either write it off as bad admin or assume you're still in love with the ex.

Appreciate that's a pretty sexist take - it is. We do still live in a massively sexist world though. He's projecting you do what he would do (or does do) with private pics/videos of an ex and he cannot cope with it.

This.

He’ll never let this drop.

No one is saying they’d be “fine” with it though. They’re just saying the way he reacted contains some red flags for the OP to be mindful of and think about - particularly if he has form for this kind of behaviour.

@SouthLondonMum22can’t remember but the consensus is why has the boyfriend/husband kept them.

Were the photos 10 years old?

I’m sure I have threads where women have found photos of old girlfriends & the responses are somewhat different.

Exactly this

It wasn't an accident, he was having a really good look at your old pics

If you take him back he'll bring this up to punish you, call you a slag, I guarantee.

Why was he going through your phone?

Yes, it’s worse.

Because it’s an actual relationship where people were having sex where the party has chosen to keep the video’s.

Nothing to do with exploitation and everything to do with enjoyment of a previous ex even though they’re apparently in a new relationship.

Hes looking for an excuse.

Bet he watches porn though.

He's a jealous loser. Get rid.

Is he annoyed that you haven’t deleted them? Tbh I would find it weird to find sexual videos of DHs & his ex on his phone.

Does he display other OTT jealous behaviours?

Usual double standards abound I see.

If this was a woman finding pictures of her partner and his ex having a shag that he’d held on to not one person would be saying that she was in the wrong for going through his phone.

In fact whenever a woman finds something on their partner’s phone this is used as instant justification for having gone through it in the first place “you presumably wouldn’t be looking through his phone if you didn’t have suspicions’ is a line which is frequently trotted out on here.

And let’s not pretend that the old “I wasn’t really keen” line isn’t the oldest line in the book.

You did the act, you video’d it, and you held on to it. Everyone would be saying that he likely watches the videos if this was a man, but because the OP is a woman she’s of course an innocent party in all this.

Nobody forgets to get rid of video’s they didn’t actually want to participate in. Don’t take the bloke for a mug.

I would absolutely end it as well on the basis that you think it’s perfectly ok to have sexy video’s of you and an ex on your phone to presumably enjoy.

It’s not commercial porn where people can be exploited! It’s two consenting people who were in a relationship at the time! Huge difference!