DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

Also people are really going for the boyfriend here, saying he’s controlling and abusive but he has simply ended the relationship when he found this. It doesnt matter how he found it. He doesn’t want to be with someone who keeps sex tapes of their ex for years and that’s his right. He doesn’t owe it to her to stay in the relationship so why is he such a bad person.

Imagine if you were with someone who consistently refused to go down on you because they say they don’t like it. Then you find six videos that he has kept of him going down on his ex. How would you genuinely feel? Because no way in hell would I be okay with that and if I didn’t want to be with him anymore after that because it made me feel so shit, that would be my right.

Quite.

I can’t lie. I’d dump you too. People are all like “he shouldn’t care”, “everyone has a past” but actually I’d be devastated if I saw that. It would make me feel like utter shit. Yes he shouldn’t have snooped but who the fuck has six sex videos with their ex saved on their phone? That goes way beyond mistake. So I would react like he has done and that would be it. I also doubt that the majority of the people slating the partner here would in any way react well to or tolerate their own partner having stuff like this on their phone.

if you haven’t seen them in years it’s highly unlikely that he ‘stumbled across’ them! He was searching your phone looking for stuff like this. That’s intrusive and controlling.
He went mental - why? They are videos from 10 years ago . Why not just talk to you and ask why you still have them. ? Why is going mental at you? He’s a grown adult why hasn’t he learnt to manage his emotions?
He broke up with you, either he doesn’t care that much about you to throw away your relationship over something so small or he is using breaking up to teach you a lesson. Either way he is showing you his true colours.
i would message back and thank him for showing you who he is and agree you are definitely not compatible. Then block him.
He has saved you a lifetime of being made to feel like shit anytime you ‘step out of line’

It’s over or he’s making an attempt to manipulate you in to doing the act with him. Either way his snooping and response hopefully has made you realise this relationship would never be healthy.

So rather than realising he'd found something personal that wasn't anything to do with him he watched each of them?

He should have put the phone down as soon as he realised what he'd found. Are you sure he just watched them and didn't forward himself copies?

I would be livid with him and telling him he's the untrustworthy one for snooping, insecure and controlling for caring what you did with an ex and trying to shame you for not doing the same with him!

Be glad he's shown you what he's like, he's done you a favour, if he stayed he'd be bringing this up every time you had a disagreement.

I am a man. If I found videos of my partner in sexual acts that she had a refused to do with me, it would be very hard to avoid thinking that she is less/not attracted to me. I am not saying that is necessarily correct or fair, but it is a credible explanation - you yourself say that you were comfortable then but are not now - that would be very hard to work past.

No some batshit posters encourage it while the sane majority consistently maintain it’s a bad idea. But there are idiots in every corner of the internet. That’s not double standards it’s lack of hive mind/groupthink.

Two things occur to me on reading this. One is that your partner seem to be very insecure or even controlling to have such a reaction. I wonder if this is an excuse for him to end things, that he’s wanted to go a while.

The second is that you say you weren’t keen to make the videos and were doing something you won’t do with your current man. Here, are you someone who struggles with boundaries, or have you in the past? In which case it’s possible that your current relationship isn’t as good as you think because you may be used to a coercive situation. On the other hand, if you hadn’t wanted to make the films, why did you keep them at all?

Hard to know but something isn’t right here.

He’s done you a favour, the rubbish has taken itself out. He wants you to throw yourself on his mercy and agree to do the same act with him. It’s the worst kind of coercion. He doesn’t care about your dignity or comfort. Really seriously don’t take him back.

"one of the videos"

Holy sh-t, how many videos are there?

Maybe he suspected her of cheating. Women on here are told to do that if they suspect but as per usual the rules don’t apply when sexes are reversed

I can understand him going crazy considering what videos they are. If it was a man keeping these he would get crucified. Also, women are basically encouraged to go through their partners phone on here.

It matters because I could not be in a long term relationship with someone who films sex acts they engage in.
It matters because I could not be with someone who finds videoing sex so banal and routine that they literally forget they have it on their phone.
It matters because I could not feel the same way every again after viewing a video on my partner's phone of him engaging in sex acts with another woman.

You would end an otherwise long and happy marriage over an old video which predated your own relationship?

This wouldn’t bother me one jot.

I think that's exactly what it is - but why should that matter?

I think this is a bullshit excuse unless you went on holiday very shortly after the videos were taken which I doubt. For some reason he thought it’d be appropriate to look at your oldest content. Whether that was in the expectation of finding something like this or not I don’t know. It could just have been mere curiosity but he obviously found something uncomfortable and unsettling. He shouldn’t have been snooping.

Actually, it is the norm to use one another's devices, when you've nothing at all to hide.

Obviously, OP has done things she would prefer hidden. Best not to keep that on your phone then.

i'd be worried about his over reaction to videos from the past.

If I found a video of my DH having sex with his ex, I would find it really difficult to get it out of my head. It was pretty careless of you to keep them, especially as you use each other's phones fairly freely. It doesn't really matter who is right or wrong though. Obviously, it was in the past but very few people would have a good reaction to seeing that kind of thing. Some people would get over it and some people wouldn't.

What happened in the past is nothing to do with him. He (not you) is being unreasonable.

Yeah this. No way could he have just “stumbled” across it if it was 10 years ago! I reckon he searched for something, and found more than he intended.

OP I would break up with him over this, it sounds like a huge overreaction to me.