DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

It sounds like he's been nursing grievances (ie what you wouldn't do in bed) and was looking for an excuse. Was everything as good as you thought, that he was pawing through your phone maybe not?

Something tells me the OP still hasn’t or won’t delete these videos

So you’re saying that if you current partner was happy to go down on his ex, so happy that he filmed it multiple times and kept copies, but wasn’t happy to do that with you, that you’d be completely fine with it?! I doubt it…

People can end relationships without sending long guilt-tripping messages afterwards.

He can't unsee what he's seen, the images are in his head forever now.

Probably best it's over for both your sakes.

Sure there could be all sorts of reasons other than the one that I would feel. But that would nonetheless be my response and I thought it might be helpful to share with the OP. You don't know that it is not right. Maybe she isn't as attracted. She hasn't said she was coerced into the acts - just that she wasn't comfortable making the videos. Which isn't good but not the same thing. I ABSOLUTELY agree that he shouldn't be able to coerce her into doing sexual acts with him because she did them with other partners, but it is not unreasonable to leave because of the difference in what she wants to do.

Exactly this.

It is abuse if it leaves the OP feeling guilty about something in the distant past before she met this man. It’s about how his behaviour has made her feel. It doesn’t matter if he was Prince Charming before this incident. Once is enough.

Really? You really aren’t getting abuse from this? Firstly, he watched - presumably in full - videos of her in a compromised position. Then, instead of listening to OP’s version of events, he’s saying to OP, ‘you did this once with someone but you held the boundary with me; I’m therefore dumping you without reference your explanation’.

He’s absolutely horrible.

What do you love about this guy? He sounds awful. Let him go, block him and don’t go back. Delete the photos if you want but don’t let that have any bearing on the end of this relationship.

He's 'hurt' because you won't 'perform a sex act'. Take a minute to think of the language there and understand what a bullet you've dodged.
No man who uses emotional manipulation to coerce you into 'performing' something sexually you don't enthusiastically consent to is a good one. Don't let your embarrassment at the videos veil this very important point.

And that she can leave a relationship for any reason.

In fairness, if this was a woman going through her partner's phone, and finding videos of him shagging his ex, the consensus would be (a) looking at his phone was justified because her suspicions had been confirmed and (b) she would be 100% right to dump.

I strongly suspect that he isn't trying to blackmail the op. He has, after all, ended it. Rather he is saying that he wanted her to be as willing to do X with him as she was with previous partner(s). That is about what she wanted to do not about coercing her.

The fact a previous boyfriend successfully coerced her into things doesn’t mean that a current boyfriend should be able to.

Agreed @PrizedPickledPopcorn but then why would you keep six videos you were coerced into making on your phone? You'd delete them once your vile boyfriend had transferred them to his phone. You wouldn't keep them on yours for almost ten years.

This. No one looking for a holiday photo “stumbles across” and watches all the videos to analyse them like this. Has he forwarded them to himself to watch after he stormed out?

The people siding with the boyfriend on this thread are massive, controlling arseholes themselves. You'd get cross about sex that occured before you knew each other? You'd get cross that something she did with one person, she doesn't enjoy any more and won't do with you? Get the fuck out of here you total ass hats.

OP - I think a good thing has happened, even though it doesn't feel like it. Anyone who reacts like this is a huge problem. Stop responding, block, move on. Count your lucky stars.

In which way is this abusive.Genuine question because there doesn't seem to be any sniff of abuse in ops post.Is it because he didn't like what he saw and got upset and left.Is that abuse now?

If it was so traumatic and coerced wtf did she keep six videos of it on her phone?

Are people incapable of having sexual relationships without filming them?

It sounds like it's over and probably not the sole reason, just an excuse. I'm sorry. He shouldn't have been going back 10 yrs he was clearly looking for something which is controlling anyway.

Have your tastes not changed over the years? There are many reasons why something she did then doesn’t appeal now. Doing things you don’t like is the quickest way to kill your sex drive- and indeed she isn’t with him anymore.

The fact a previous boyfriend successfully coerced her into things doesn’t mean that a current boyfriend should be able to.
The change could be a result of trauma, lost body confidence, a physiological change (I certainly can’t do everything I used to!).

Edit to add- the change could be that she’s not young and foolish anymore!

I can't believe people trust Apple Inc with these kinds of photos on their servers 🤯

Anyway, making these kinds of videos and photos rarely ends well. Actually, it ended well for some Kardashian and Paris Hilton... but I suspect they're anomalies. Most people end up with them leaked, fretting about who has copies now or years later, or with their discovery creating awkwardness in a relationship.

Not everything needs to be documented, videoed, photographed....some things are supposed to exist as only memories

@July26 he’s trying to blackmail you into doing the same “act” with him after you said no. That’s him trying to trample over a boundary you’ve set. It’s coercive. If he’s simply ended the relationship, why bother bringing up this “act” at all?

What a weirdo he is, OP, he’s watched all of the videos in their entirety, it’s almost like he wanted to find stuff to offend his sensibilities.

Has he always been this abusive and mean?

He has genuinely done you a favour by ending things. Never let a man control you this way again.

So, you weren't keen to make explicit videos but you made six? Presumably, therefore, they were for your ex's enjoyment but why were they on your phone not his?

Surely you must have forwarded them to his phone so he could watch them, otherwise when would he ever see them? Why would you not delete them at that point if you weren't keen to begin with? You wouldn't have wanted to watch them.

If not then, why not when you split?