DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

Well as I said up thread, I did. I wasn't bothered either way, it was a bit of fun, we used my phone. Don't think I ever watched them. Just forgot about them almost immediately.

Her partner can be hurt or put off or whatever, and end it if it's a deal-breaker for him. But it's his issue, he shouldn't trying to put it on her, make her feel like she's done something wrong, giving her the silent treatment etc. it should have been a calm conversation.

If the only version of this is on the OP’s phone and not on a phone belonging to an ex, she has control of the video. If it is on her ex’s phone the ex has control.

Is that a MN rule - men aren’t allowed to speak to exes? I must have missed that one.

I am a man. If I found videos of my partner in sexual acts that she had a refused to do with me, it would be very hard to avoid thinking that she is less/not attracted to me. I am not saying that is necessarily correct or fair, but it is a credible explanation - you yourself say that you were comfortable then but are not now - that would be very hard to work past.

He sent me a long message which I’ve woken up to and basically maintains it’s over. He says it’s hurtful that something (an ‘act’) I’ve ‘refused’ to do with him which is in one of the videos is insulting. I may have been comfortable trying something nearly 10 years ago, but that doesn’t mean I am now. I really don’t think he’s changing his mind.

Is that a MN rule - men aren’t allowed to speak to exes? I must have missed that one.

No. It doesn't. But he doesn't have to be in a relationship with her either.

Are you new?

Is that a MN rule - men aren’t allowed to speak to exes? I must have missed that one.

My point is that men here aren't even allowed to speak to an ex so keeping sex videos of them would be ultimate betrayal. The fact he even took such videos would show him to be a pervert in many people's eyes on this site.

Perhaps she is not comfortable now because she’s tried it and now knows it’s not her cup of tea. Regardless just because she had done something sexually with someone previously, that doesn’t mean she then has to consent to the same sexual act with everyone else going forward.

I am a man. If I found videos of my partner in sexual acts that she had a refused to do with me, it would be very hard to avoid thinking that she is less/not attracted to me. I am not saying that is necessarily correct or fair, but it is a credible explanation - you yourself say that you were comfortable then but are not now - that would be very hard to work past.

I can’t lie. I’d dump you too. People are all like “he shouldn’t care”, “everyone has a past” but actually I’d be devastated if I saw that. It would make me feel like utter shit. Yes he shouldn’t have snooped but who the fuck has six sex videos with their ex saved on their phone? That goes way beyond mistake. So I would react like he has done and that would be it. I also doubt that the majority of the people slating the partner here would in any way react well to or tolerate their own partner having stuff like this on their phone.

The fact a previous boyfriend successfully coerced her into things doesn’t mean that a current boyfriend should be able to.

Agreed @PrizedPickledPopcorn but then why would you keep six videos you were coerced into making on your phone? You'd delete them once your vile boyfriend had transferred them to his phone. You wouldn't keep them on yours for almost ten years.

He sent me a long message which I’ve woken up to and basically maintains it’s over. He says it’s hurtful that something (an ‘act’) I’ve ‘refused’ to do with him which is in one of the videos is insulting. I may have been comfortable trying something nearly 10 years ago, but that doesn’t mean I am now. I really don’t think he’s changing his mind.

It’s about what she didn’t want to do. If he’s ended it and is moving on with his life, the only arrangement he needs to make is to get his belongings back and make sure she has her belongings back. No need to mention sexual acts.

OP hasn’t spoken to her ex for 10 years! That’s the point. It’s almost as if the current DP is accusing her of cheating or being disloyal, which is nonsensical, given the videos are 10 years old.

He sent me a long message which I’ve woken up to and basically maintains it’s over. He says it’s hurtful that something (an ‘act’) I’ve ‘refused’ to do with him which is in one of the videos is insulting. I may have been comfortable trying something nearly 10 years ago, but that doesn’t mean I am now. I really don’t think he’s changing his mind.

I strongly suspect that he isn't trying to blackmail the op. He has, after all, ended it. Rather he is saying that he wanted her to be as willing to do X with him as she was with previous partner(s). That is about what she wanted to do not about coercing her.

@PassTheCranberrySauce no, she says the videos date back ten years. She has made no mention in any of her posts how long ago she split with the ex, nor that she hasn't spoken to him in ten years. For all we know, it could have been last year and she still speaks to him.

Regardless, if you made six explicit videos with your ex, despite not being keen, at his request, why would they be on your phone not his? He'd be the one wanting to watch them. If they were made on her phone you'd then send them to the ex. Then, seeing as you weren't keen to make them, you'd delete them. There and then. You wouldn't simply forget about them.