DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

Yes apparently she wasn't keen six times...

Exactly what I was thinking!

I’d be furious if DH still had videos of him and an ex having sex on his phone. I’d expect him to have deleted those when we got together, without me asking.

However, big issue is also why he was going through your phone and so far back?

OP, you may not see it yet, but you are better off without this man, so let him go.

You gave him permission to use your phone to watch a film and he waited until you were in the shower and unable to observe him to delve into other things. If he wanted a holiday snap, he could have just asked you for it when you were out of the shower.

He went looking for something and found evidence of you having a sexual relationship with someone who predated him.

1. He shouldn’t have been searching your phone
2. He should accept that you had sex before you met him
3. This is about anal sex I’m going to guess (it’s always about anal 🙄)

It sounds like you had consensual sex with a previous partner and filmed it. You tried something new, you didn’t like it and decided you wouldn’t be doing it in future. This is all normal.

You meet current man, he wants anal/different sex you say no. Hopefully he accepts that and moves on, never asking again (no means no, right?). But it wouldn’t surprise me if this guy asked more than once, or asked Why? And pushed you on the matter.

Very armchair psychologist here, but I do believe that men who have a Madonna/whore complex (I.e. they’re happy to shag around with women, but want their partner to be an actual or near virgin) are just looking for ways to devalue women, and they use slut-shaming as a way.

i would hazard a guess that he thinks you’re worth more than him in some way; maybe you earn more, own a home while he rents, are more educated, outwardly more objectively attractive, something like that. So he went looking for something in your phone that he could use to pull you down a peg or two, so he then has an upper hand in the relationship (as you’d have to beg for forgiveness/him back).

I’m guessing here, and I’m not saying that people tend to be happy if they view their partner having sex with someone else, but he’s essentially slut-shaming you for having sex in a previous relationship, possibly with the hopes of getting you to beg him back and do anal/whatever sexual thing he wants.

I’d own it, you had sex in a previous relationship, big whoop. Step back, don’t beg, don’t even contact him, this is a him problem. He went looking for something to have a go at you about and found something he could use. That’s not a healthy relationship to be in.

He is desperately insecure by definition as he went through her phone. I am staggered by the amount of women who think this is ok.

Ignoring all the other noise, just from his point of view if you've been with your partner whose not been interested in an act, you come to terms with that and live with their choice, and then you find evidence that they'd happily do said act with another partner in the past. It would be absolutely devasting

He must’ve been really digging through your phone to find videos from 10 years ago. I think it’s understandable to have old stuff, modern phones can hold tens of thousands of photos and I would struggle to find all the photos or videos of my exes.

I know you are sad but it’s a blessing really. Instead of an actual conversation, he became angry and jealous and made accusations. This is emotional immaturity and as a PP said, imagine his reaction if something actually bad happened if this is his reaction to something from 10 years ago. Jealousy would’ve ruined your relationship anyway

It sounds like a really upsetting situation, and I can understand why both of you may be feeling hurt right now.
Finding old intimate memories on a partner’s phone can bring up strong emotions, but the context matters. If these videos were genuinely forgotten from many years ago and you haven’t been keeping or revisiting them intentionally, that is very different from actively holding onto them as part of a current attachment to an ex.
At the same time, your partner may need some time to process how he feels. Trying to force a conversation while emotions are high could make things worse. Giving him a little space for a day or two may help, then you could reach out calmly and explain that you understand why it upset him, while also being honest about what happened.
A relationship ending over one discovery made in an emotional moment may feel extreme, but the bigger issue is how both of you handle conflict and trust going forward. A calm conversation about boundaries, privacy, and expectations may reveal whether this is something you can work through together.

It’s rubbish that he just ‘stumbled across them’ whilst looking for holiday pics. He was deliberately searching for old pictures/ videos from 10 years ago. His reaction is completely unhinged and he has no right to try and shame you.

Or he has dementia.

Sounds as if you might have gone from one abuser to another.

Don't be distraught, be relieved.

Even if he isn't abusive he can leave for any reason.

@Sunnibee ,

‘No it's not hard to get past. Women don't owe you particular sex acts. Our bodies are not a public service required to distribute it all out fairly and equally . We are people with complex , evolving and situational preferences, desires and feelings about our bodies HTH.’

And men don’t owe ‘you’ a relationship. It’s not an HTH at all.

If your partner/husband refused to go down on you (for example) because he said he hated it, and then you saw a video of him enthusiastically going down on his ex, would you really think ‘oh well, he was young then and his desires have changed’. I seriously doubt it.

I am not saying that it’s not true or unreasonable for the OP to have changed and be more certain of her likes/disliked, but it’s not a black and white thing if OP wants her relationship to continue. Some sympathetic talk is required and maybe some counselling.

The double standards in this place are breathtaking sometimes.

He sounds absolutely pathetic so yes, it would be the end, but I would be the one getting rid of him. It’s ridiculous and he sounds like a child, are you very young? These were old photos which he could clearly see. You had a past before him god forbid. Can you imagine how he would react to something actually bad!!!

To all those posters who say he shouldn't be going through her phone etc fair enough he shouldn't but can you honestly say that if your sister or best friend found a video of her partner having sex from an old relationship you would tell her it was no big deal that he'd kept the videos? You wouldn't be bothered if it was your partner with the videos? Honestly?

It can't possibly be abusive to leave a relationship. To suggest it could be is some serious DARVO shit

And, as has been done to death here, someone can leave a relationship for any reason they want. Even men.

Nevertheless how do you search on another persons phone and find 10 years old sex videos?

In the old mumsnet wisdom. Anyone can end a relationship for any reason. He’s got a line and has decided you’ve crossed it. Sounds like you will both be happier apart.

Good that you have deleted the videos, I am obviously old fashioned but I am 😮at how casual you are that they exist and are accessible by anyone who has access to your phone. Seems pretty risky to me.

No it's not hard to get past. Women don't owe you particular sex acts. Our bodies are not a public service required to distribute it all out fairly and equally . We are people with complex , evolving and situational preferences, desires and feelings about our bodies HTH.

The 6 could've all be 20 seconds clips of the same occasion. Many phones only used to record about a max of 30 seconds a time

We all know our boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband has a past, and with that comes ex-partners and previous sexual experiences. It's different knowing that, and then suddenly seeing it, in full colour and sound. I think most people, regardless how secure they may be within their relationship, would find that hard and upsetting.

No one wants to see a video(s) of their partner having sex with another person. Unless of course, that person has some sexual fetish!

The fact it's a sexual act that the OP refuses to engage into with her boyfriend, is going to sting for him. The OP is within her rights not to engage in sexual acts, she dislikes. When we're younger, we tend to experiment more, and therefore learn what we do and don't like doing in the bedroom. She shouldn't feel she has to do anything that she doesn't want to do, just because she has in previous relationships.

I think some of the issue is that the OP says she felt pressurised into doing the videos to start with but has still kept them on her phone for years. I think that would be hard to understand from her boyfriend's point of view. Also does the OP have the only copies or did her ex too? Her boyfriend may now be wondering if her ex is looking at his copies of the videos, on a regular basis!

Shouting and storming off wasn't a very mature way of handling the situation at all. He may need several days to process the information before he will talk to the OP. However, if he is adamant that he wants to end the relationship, then that's his right to do so.

The boyfriend was supposedly looking for a holiday picture taken last year. Yet generally pictures are kept separate from videos on a phone. So he must have been being nosy to start with, in order to have found the videos.

I think he is talking shit, he has purposefully went looking back years ago snooping. Curiosity killed the cat in this instance.

I agree not ideal still having those vids, but like I said in previous post phones are so personal now, capturing chapters of our lives like a diary, hes looked into a past chapter when you were in another relationship.

Whats he expecting to find evidence of you being some virgin mary sitting knitting right up until he got with you. Hes out of order here.

Most people are somewhat insecure over sex! I honestly believe that.

And for him to have seen OP doing an act with an ex that she is no longer comfortable doing (she says it is a time thing, not a person thing, but we don’t really know) makes the whole situation even harder.

Again, most of us know on an intellectual level that we choose long term partners for a variety of reasons and we could well not be ‘the best ever sex’ for our partners.

But who wants to be confronted with it?! Who would tell their partner ‘all round you are great, but I compromised on sex, you are decent but not that amazing’. I suspect, for many, that is true but they know it isn’t the kind of thing they would ever say.

So, realistically, he isn’t ’desperately insecure’ or ‘not a keeper’ (although both may be true). It’s one of those difficult situations that may need time and effort (on both sides) to resolve.

But she didnt 'allow' her boyfriend to see videos. He went through her phone. He 'said' he was looking for a photo of them. But obviously went on a fishing expedition and found a fish. Of course it wouldn't be comfortable to view, but he didn't have to did he? It's the old addage 'evesdroppers never hear any good of themselves' for the digital age. He snooped in her phone looking for something and found it. I hazard a guess he won't dump her. And will use this to get her to do said 'act'. OP, I assume you're not here any more but if you are, do not let him back in you've done nothing wrong.

Surely most of us would not watch such videos. The fact he knows what’s on them all means he’s actually watched some, if not all. Surely most of us would realise immediately then think “yuck” and have a conversation about it. He’s allowed to be upset but he’s overstepped by invading your privacy
a. To find them
b. To watch them
i think you’ve had a lucky escape op.