DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

Ok, but so what if he was…

The OP has said that they allowed each other to access each others phones, so this isn’t a case of him hacking in or accessing it when she inadvertently hadn’t locked the screen.

Given they had given access to each others phones, he had no reason to suspect there was anything untoward or private on there, and was just browsing old photos… In the circumstances I don’t see why this is even a “crime’, let alone a relationship-ending one…. it’s no different to looking at a photo album really.

But this is MN, and where there’s a bloke there’s smoke… And if there’s smoke, there’s fire… and if there’s fire, it’s LTB…

It’a crazy how a man looking through some photos on his partner’s open phone that she voluntarily made available to him, is somehow an abusive monster for getting upset when he found numerous undeleted clips of homemade porn of her and an ex!

MN truly goes through the looking glass sometimes - it’s double-standards wouldn’t be out of place in Orwell’s 1984!

'I wasn't keen on the act, so I only made six videos of me doing it'

We don't know what she only did it once. She may have done it many times and enjoyed it all those times. And that would be absolutely ok. Why are people keen to make out that she was forced or not willing when she hasn't actually said that. She said she was uncomfortable with the filming so she could have also said she was uncomfortable with the act itself, but she didn't. And thst is fine. Why can't that be fine?

"and then went on to the camera roll, he says he was looking for a photo from a previous holiday and stumbled across the videos."
Bullshit, he was snooping unless you told him you were a virgin he knows you had sex before him so thats all on him, if hes reacted like this hes not going to drop it, it will get thrown in your face in every disagreement, dump

Only if you're a woman. If it was a woman posting that she'd found sex videos of her boyfriend and his ex, she would immediately be told to leave him because he's clearly wanking over her

I often send myself nice pictures my DH has taken of my kids/the kids with me, but even though I have permission, I don’t go scrolling through YEARS worth of pictures until I’m in definitely before-we-we’re-together territory and then flip my lid over what I find there.

And to the people saying you can use the search or categories, what do you think he typed in the search or what category could he have been looking in, knowing that OP’s face wasn’t in the video so he can’t have been looking through a collection of images of her?

Really? So because you've done something once you have to do it again? I went camping with my ex husband, and I enjoyed it. I don't want to do it now as I'm older. I think there's probably some videos of it on facebook as well. Should my now husband be devastated? That applies even more to sex. You can do things, or not do things amd give or take away permission at any point. Being devastated because your partner once enjoyed sex with someone else is batshit.

He's allowed to end it with you for any reason or none isn't he. I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'm finding the posts from men on here very enlightening as they clearly have no idea that most women - like really MOST - are going to have been coerced into doing something sexually they're not that keen on when young. It is basically painted as expected as you by society. Getting all butt hurt by it (pardon the phrase, no doubt relevant) because your partner when older and more confident in what they don't want won't do it with you is fucking pathetic and just shows men have no interest whatsoever in the experiences of women. Just the ways in which they will excite their stupid knobs. If you look at it that way you are well rid OP.

I would end a relationship over these circumstances too. It’s all too grim. I’m on his side.

YABU op. You should’ve deleted those videos years ago - I’d be mortified they even existed in the first place.

Sure. But in the choices that are made, men (who are also complex and evolving) can infer information. It isn't about being owed something but what it means that it wasn't freely and enthusiastically given. Again, I don't think he has behaved well and I don't think that what I am saying shows a secure mindset, but burying ones head in the sand doesn't make things go away.

Assuming he didn't think you were a virgin before you met, he knew about your previous relationship(s). All he's done is decided to watch you within that previous relationship. You've told him you no longer use the videos for anything. He doesn't trust you. I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me nor be with someone who chooses to watch something and then flips their lid over it. I am like you, there's all sorts of crap on my 'phone and I couldn't tell you half of it. I just have priorities of what things I organise and old files on my 'phone are not one of those things. Life's busy.

Rewind. Why is he looking through your phone?

Something tells me you haven't RTFT.

Agreed. If OP had found such videos on her DP's phone it would have been near 100% LTB.

Disagree. In most posts. Even where there have been serious flags that the person was doing something dodgy, the woman gets berated for 'snooping'. In this case, the OP hasnt done anything wrong. He hasnt found 'evidence' that his suspicions were right. What suspicions? So in this scenario he had suspicions that the OP had had sex with her ex and recorded it and he was right? Makes no sense at all.

and men don't owe you a relationship

certainly not. Where did I suggest that please? My advice to OP is that she has dodged a bullet , this man is controlling, insecure, possessive and doesn't respect her boundaries. No one needs a relationship with a man like that.
And to answer your questions, no I would never go through my partners phone for any reason especially to hunt for old videos. If I found any tbh i wouldn't care less, and I certainly wouldn't use that as an excuse to get angry at them. Why would I? Its none of my business what my partner did with women in the past; don't see men's bodies as my possessions.

If a woman posted that she'd found old sex videos of her husband and his ex there's zero chance that the overwhelming response wouldn't be "LTB, he's kept them to wank over them".

I'd completely disagree with that though, and OP's partner is being ridiculous. Your partner has had a sexual history before you, everyone needs to get over that fact. Snooping through your partner's phone is a much worse red flag than forgetting about risque media. Sexual jealousy is honestly a major red flag as well. You dodged a bullet OP.

That said keep track of your sex videos and nudes better! I've never, ever forgotten where those are stored, and I'm not exactly an organised person.

OP this is not a good man. He has no right to expect you behave in certain ways just because you did it in the past. That's very coercive and troubling. What is also concerning is that he's making out the relationship is over due to something related to past relationships that have nothing to do with him and I assume were between two consenting adults. It's basically jealousy and control and very worrying. I would take this as he's done you a favour and get out now whilst you can. No decent person would behave this way.

Did you quote me in error? I haven't said it is abusive and I agree, people can leave a relationship for any reason.

Again, what does ‘going through her phone’ mean? Was it without OP’s permission? If so, yes, that is extreme disrespectful and a reason for ending the relationship.

But, maybe they both look at one another’s phones regularly or he asked OP if he could look for a photo which he liked.

And maybe he was digging, but maybe he just searched for a place or a term which brought up what he was looking for and these videos. It is easy to search a photo album these days.

Only OP knows the answers to these and can make a judgement based on what happened.

She said she was then conformable trying them. That's a very, very far cry from saying she was comfortable doing them more than once even then.

God I’ve been married well over a decade and there’s probably dodgy videos buried somewhere on a device or in my emails from years gone by. I wouldn’t even know how to find them at this point really! I’m sure my husband had the same.

Don’t go looking for stuff you aren’t prepared to find!

Oh come on. Use your brain.

How long have you been together?

I would leave DH if he had a gallery of videos having sex with an ex. One can be explained as slipping through the web. I wouldn’t forgive multiple.

It's not about having sex before this partner though it's about keeping the videos