DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

“I may have been comfortable trying something nearly 10 years ago, but that doesn’t mean I am now.”

Direct from the OP’s post.

No one is saying that she doesn’t have the right not to repeat past sex acts… but to pretend most people, man or woman, wouldn’t be at least be a bit put out that their DP won’t do sexual acts they did with their ex is delusional.

She didnt give him permission to look through her phone. She gave him permission to look for a specific photo of them together. He did not do that.

Yes, I agree that's true. It would also make me feel like shit. But he (and PPs) shouldn't be shaming OP for making the videos of forgetting she had them, or for not wanting to do the act anymore. Be upset, end the relationship, but no need to act like she's committed some heinous crime.

There are plenty of reasons why he may have found them innocently.

They may have been in the same year as the photo he was looking for (as I and only one other seem to have noticed, she doesn’t say how old the actual videos are), he may have sought out a place where the photo he was looking for was taken (her house, presumably), or he may have been looking for a pic of them holding hands or something and the search included the videos.

Of course, he may have been forensically trying to find just what he found!

We just don’t know.

It’s your phone.
It’d your life and history

It has got absolutely nothing to do with him, his reaction is bizarre. He could have stopped looking and asked you gently to delete them because it’s uncomfortable - if he had permission to use your phone and stumbled on them. If he didn’t have your consent, it’s a huge violation.

What do they do though? Give me an example of where a woman on here said went through her partners phone, and found videos from years ago before they met and was told that was ok?

I'd get rid now, of both him and the videos on your phone, he will hold this over you .

True, but most people also wouldn't want to be with someone who keeps "explicit/X rated" videos of themselves ten years after they split from a previous partner on their phone.
I think they should just both walk away and start again.

You're a snooper as well then?

Everyone has a sexual past. A few forgotten videos doesn't make someone a demon.

Neither does looking at photos on your DPs phone when they’ve given you unconditional access to it…. apart from on MN when it’s somehow a hanging offence.

Can we all just stop saying he found videos that were 10 years old. She didn't say that! She said she had stuff that was ten years old. She didn't say the videos were ten years old.
We don't know how long ago these were taken

Tbh I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is behaving the way he is

Yes, of course it would, and I’d bet good money that it would upset the majority of those posters who are trying to be cool and pretend it wouldn’t. I bet many would even end their relationships over it.

What?

the consensus would be (a) looking at his phone was in no way justified as she should not have been looking for media from TEN YEARS AGO does not mean they are cheating justified because her suspicions had been confirmed and (b) she would be 100% right to BE dumpED.

As many others have said, it doesn't really sound like he found these accidentally. He must have been looking if they're so old you forgot they were on there.
Meanwhile, not to add fuel to the fire (sorry) but is there a possibility he's forwarded them to his own phone? Is he angry enough to post them somewhere? Revenge porn is a serious crime - you might want to remind him of that.

What abusive and controlling coercive behaviour?

He was looking at photos on his DP’s phone which SHE HAD WILLINGLY GAVE ACCESS TO!.. And got upset when he found home-made porno clips of her!

Ok, so he didn’t respond in the ideal, most measured, way possible, that doesn’t equate to abuse or coercive control! The level of exaggeration, projection and distortion of this man’s actions is astonishing!

‘It's not humiliating. It's not about her partner at all, it's nothing to do with him so he can't be humiliated.

She's said she forgot they were there. She could have said "oh sorry forgot about those, I'll delete them now" and that could have been the end of it.

Any acts she will or won't do with him, for whatever reasons, are a completely separate issue. If he felt bad about what he saw (when snooping), then it was for him to deal with. It's his choice to draw the line where he wants, but he shouldn't be shaming the OP.’

What has become of empathy and nuanced thought?!

He feels it is to do with him, as clearly he feels she was attracted to her ex enough to do ‘the act’ but not to him. Hence the ‘humiliation’. That may be completely untrue but that doesn’t invalidate his feelings.

I am not totally believing of the OP when she says she didn’t feel comfortable etc. Of course, that is possible with simultaneously finding reviewing them exciting. As PP have said, there are six videos (the OP hasn’t said they were snippets or taken at the same time), so it is reasonable to assume that they were taken separately and kept.

It is one of those difficult situations on both sides. He feels bad but, using (a particular type) of pure logic, he shouldn’t care. After all, it all happened long ago (not necessarily as long as people are assuming, she says her photos go back 10 years, not that these videos are 10 years old, they could be much newer) and everyone is allowed a previous sex life.

And no one owns anyone else’s body, he needs to respect her boundaries.

But….

The majority of people expect sex in a relationship and, for different people, that may include different acts (oral, for instance). Is expecting a guy to do oral ‘owning them’ or ‘controlling’ them, or a reasonable condition within the context of a relationship?

There are no black and white answers and I don’t think it it unreasonable he is upset and may need some time alone to process. Ultimately, if OP wants to continue the relationship, they need to have an honest conversation. If she doesn’t, of course, that is equally her prerogative.

People do have a right to set and change their boundaries. But if the boundary has been set with me, and I watch a video of him doing this with another woman, it’s going to make me feel like shit.

People do have a right to set and change their boundaries. But if the boundary has been set with me, and I watch a video of him doing this with another woman, it’s going to make me feel like shit.

People do have a right to set and change their boundaries. But if the boundary has been set with me, and I watch a video of him doing this with another woman, it’s going to make me feel like shit.

😱😱😱

Looking for photos from "your holiday" and managed to scroll back 10 years?

Let him go

I'm staggered by the amount of women , of which there are many , who do the same thing in here and only get a mild rebuke by a few posters, and I'm a woman !

He's the bad person here, snooping and then saying that he's annoyed you did something in a video you won't do with him. Wtf?! What you did with anyone else in the past is none of his business, and it very much sounds like he's trying to force you into it. I'd just leave him to it to cool down for a while, nd just say - I'm here to talk if/when you want to. Then ball is in his court. But whatever you do don't be blackmailed.