DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

Ok but then a bit weird to complain about it then.

I can't believe how many are mixing up entitled to have had previous partners and keeping videos with them years later in another relationship.

I think I'd feel the same as the DH in this scenario if I found out my own DH had videos of himself with an ex and had 'forgotten' to delete them.

If it's difficult enough to have to search it, I can't be bothered.

Honestly, I think you’re dumb not to have remembered you had them, and I’m not surprised he was upset. I’m not clear how you could have forgotten you have them? I think a lot of people would react similarly if they knew their partner still had these videos on their device.

his reaction was disproportionate but he isn’t BU to be upset by this.

Grim, you're well rid

Thats generally in relation to cheating though - OP has a photo from 10 years ago she forgot to delete. Clearly not the same thing.

Is not difficult it's just in settings. You can google it. I switched mine off as it had pictures of my ex in it but I didn't want to do a mass delete as it also had pictures of my DD. And also he's her dad so she may want them some day. But I didnt like pictures popping up of holidays from 8 years ago!

Quite! Not sure how you'd not have seen and therefore forgotten about a video in 10 years either, most people would've had to do some significant clearing of storage space over that time because phones and Google storage like bullying you into upgrading if you don't - 10 years ago I had to probably clear out all the things I didnt like (!) or wish to keep every couple of months.

I'm sure you're right, but I can't be bothered researching the intricacies of tech to find out how. What the designers think is 'intuitive' is often simply repetitive and doesn't cross platforms.

But why was he going through your phone and what exactly is he so annoyed about? That you are not a nun in your previous life or that you forgot to delete them?

You can switch it off.

Honestly, he has done you a favour. He has obviously gone so far back snooping.

It sounds like he is more annoyed that you did this sexual act with someone but not him. Like you aren’t allowed not have enjoyed it or to not want to do it again.

Grieve and move on. Do not apologise and don’t try to get him back.

Men have no automatic right to access a woman's body. I think a lot of women are coerced to do things that they aren't entirely comfortable with when they first embark on their sexual journey, especially when they are young and don't have a clear idea of what a normal sexual relationship is. As time goes on though, they discover that some activities aren't necessarily common or desirable and they become more confident about setting their own boundaries. The bottom line always ought to be 'Does this give me pleasure?' and, if it doesn't it should be firmly off the agenda. The fact remains though, that you might be more willing to do different things with different partners according to their particular tastes and this might also relate to the level of trust you have built with that person. On the whole, I think that most people are pretty vanilla and there's nothing wrong with that. But any level of coercion, sulking or whining is the biggest turnoff ever and any man silly enough to try it shouldn't be surprised when his sex life with that partner comes to a sudden and abrupt end!

I'm a guy, almost fifty, post divorce, have had enough relationships over the years to see this. It's just controlling jealous behaviour. If a man (or woman) cannot deal with the fact their partner has had a past, is a full human being who was likely not a virgin when they met, then they are emotionally immature with regard to relationships. I might not be thrilled to see videos of my partner having sex with someone, but I have enough brain to know it didn't happen last week, they aren't cheating, it's just a video from ages ago.

It makes as much sense as seeing a video of your birthday from 10 years ago and being annoyed they weren't in it.

As a small side note to anyone being shocked about this sort of thing, it really is pretty common amongst those who are comfortable with it, especially for couples who don't live together or don't see each other as much as they would like to and can't always be physically intimate. If no harm and everyone is on board, nothing wrong with it at all.

Also don't buy that he found the videos by mistake.

Anyway, tell him to grow up or piss off. (IMO)

Yes, mine served up an 'eight years ago' montage only the other day. I hate them. One of the people pictured has since died.

My samsung randomly throws up...on this day... type things on my phone

To go by experience and peer experiences, many women keep mementos like this due to happy memories, sadness over lost love

I don't think any other woman I've ever met would keep homemade porn in which her face wasn't even visible 'due to happy memories, sadness over lost love'. Nobody looks at a picture of their tits being spunked on and thinks 'aw, that was so romantic'. There's only one reason I'd deliberately keep a memento like that and it wouldn't be 'sadness over lost love', I can tell you. It would be because watching it turned me on.

And certainly, people might be shit at camera roll admin, but in my experience that's just as likely to be the case for men as it is for women. My DP has, I discovered recently when he was moaning about the time it was taking for him to set up a new phone, never deleted a single picture or video from his phone. There were pictures on his phone of some scratches on a hire car he rented in 2011, ffs, plus a video he'd sent me to show me how to reset our boiler in a house we sold 10 years ago.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with filming sex between consenting adults and there's nothing wrong with being rubbish at deleting stuff, either. But it's a colossal double standard to say that's fine for women to do it but not fine for men.

I think the OP's boyfriend sounds like a total arsehole, personally, but if his feelings for her have changed as a result of what he's seen, then he's allowed to end the relationship. People are entitled to end a relationship for any reason they like. It doesn't matter whether the other person in that relationship thinks it's valid.

I suspect that if he doesn't end the relationship, he'll bring this up every time there's an argument and be vile about it, so I think the OP would be best to walk away herself at this point anyway and consider she's dodged a bullet.

See this for the lucky escape it is op. Sorry he was a disappointment but onwards and upwards.

And his excuses for how he stumbled onto ten-year-old videos doesn’t hold water. He went looking for trouble and he found it. FAFO type shite.

Oooooooooh.

This has absolutely nothing to do with those videos and is his temper tantrum that you did the ol’ whatever the hell it was with an ex and you won’t do it with him.

Do not engage. He’ll promise to come back if you do whatever the fuck it is, which is coercive sex, and honey, no. Just huge no.

Ah so he’s just pissed he doesn’t get to do what’s in the video? In that case please do not try anymore

How on earth did he find it if it was from years ago? I can’t even find videos from a couple of years ago!!!

I was answrting your questions about the threesome.

He didnt have permission to look at her phone. He had permission to watch a video on her phone and accesed the camera roll.

Please see OP:

He was using it to watch something whilst I was showering and then went on to the camera roll, he says he was looking for a photo from a previous holiday and stumbled across the videos

No he's not punishing her, he's dumped her because she has kept a record of her sexual past for the last ten years.
We all understand that pretty much everyone we meet has a sexual past and a history of previous relationships, but I think a lot of people (and certainly if the genders were reversed and it was him who had explicit videos of him and an ex) would not be happy that their current partner had held onto them.

I mean your main point seems to be your husband had a threesome, which is neither here nor there

He had permission to look at her phone. In many relationships looking through each other's photos is normal, because they are photos of your shared life. My DH can look at my phone photos any time he wishes, they are mostly of holidays we've taken together and our pets so Id find it weird to keep that from him.

I think keeping videos of you shagging your ex is a much worse crime. I don't believe OP didn't know they were there, firstly most phones quite regularly show you "memories", and secondly a video of you doing what I assume is anal is something your going to absolutely remember and want to delete asap. And even if you are okay with the thought of your husband having a threesome with his ex and keeping a video of it, its quite reasonable for this to be a deal breaker