DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

How do you feel it about, OP? Are you angry at his response?

How long have you been been together OP? Thats a factor? I’m not going to break up with DW of 20+ years over something like that but a girlfriend of 1,2,3 years? Maybe.

OP - you should try to be honest with your DP, that’s the only way out of this.

If DW had keep videos of herself having sex with her ex I would be 1) REALLY upset 2) pissed off 3) genuinely wonder why and not believe any nonsense about - oh I totally forgot they were there… please. What a load of BS.
It would make me wonder about our relationship, or if she was hankering back to ‘better’ sex with someone else or even the ex themselves.

I also don't understand how you didn't realise that you had SIX X rated videos on your phone.

You knew they were there but for some odd reason wanted to keep them when you are with someone else.

Id also dump you. I have more self respect then to be with someone who is keeping sex clips with an ex.

We all have a past so what is his issue?
He doesnt have one or with you...
Tell him to leave your phone alone...anyone wanting to look thru mine can pee off.

Agree!

I cannot imagine a world in which I ‘forgot’ about old sex videos on my phone.

I guess that’s what he’s having a hard time believing. If I found some on my DH’s phone I’d infer he had a reason for keeping them. (More likely to find endless pics of landscapes, historic buildings and gardens bless him).

Hello, I found some old videos on my partner's phone (he allows me access to it without fuss so I assumed it was OK to look at his old photos.) The videos are of him having sex with one of his old girlfriends and one of them he's doing something which I wanted him to do with me but he refused.

I was really upset but he says he'd just forgotten they were still on his phone and the sex act he just "isn't into that any more".

Should I believe him? Am I wrong to want to leave over this?

Is anyone seriously claiming that the vast majority of posters on this board wouldn't say "No" and "Yes?" to the questions above if the scenario was this way round?

The amount of videos doesn’t matter either. It’s more likely that the videos are short in duration, instead of each being hours long.

God when I was growing up hardly any women liked having their photograph taken. Early VHS recordings always show women looking coy and covering their faces, giggling ‘don’t film me!’

What happened in society that people are happy doing anal on some shonky old phone recording and then ‘forget’ about it? I can’t think of anything worse and unsexy quite frankly. Who are they for?

I think you should end the relationship

firstly, why on earth would he care about this, he can see the date the media was created was before your relationship with him, so it’s not cheating.

it’s then ridiculous to guilt trip you over the content of the video, you can just say you tried said act, didn’t enjoy it/made you uncomfortable, hence why you’re not doing it again. Consenting to something 10 years ago in a different relationship doesn’t mean you have to consent with it today with this man. It’s really childish and concerning that he says this is “insulting” to him.

he’s just trying to control you and make you do things you’re not comfortable with

maybe if he was a better partner, you might feel more comfortable around him, but sadly he’s not

Well no one has said that. What some people have said is that accessing photos from 10 years ago when you don't have permission to do so is not right. Some other people have said it is right. There has been no consensus. In fact I think if anyone could be bothered to add up, more people are saying its ok and berating the OP. Some posters (me included) have drawn a distinction between a person (man or woman) in a relationship where they have deep routed suspicions of cheating and are being gas lighted. In this scenario, the OPs (I hope ex) was watching a video on her phone and then took it upon himself to go through her 10 year strong photos. Which i think is unacceptable and wuold be enough for me to say cherrio anyway. Also this is an online forum so you do get differences of opinion and thats ok too.

If I found videos of my husband having sex with an ex, I'd be really freaked out. And if they were doing things he wouldn't do with me, I'd feel insecure on top. I wouldn't be able to get the images out of my head, and however I tried to rationalise it, my irrational insecurities would win for a good few weeks.

So I understand why he is freaked out and upset.

But I don't believe anyone accidentally stumbles across videos taken 10 years ago, and the fact he is calling it a day and treating something that happened before you knew him as a betrayal is not reasonable or fair.

Personally i would not go through my partners old photos because that's just intrusive and I could find out the hard way he had a life before me (how dare he!), no it doesn't mean he's still in love with her, like the OP said he could easily just have an old phone. i would also make sure he never ever records me naked because clearly he's very sloppy about keeping private videos (the fact i just watched them would be proof). I would pull a blind eye on the whole thing and make sure this man never gets a single naked selfie from me as they're probably going to end in the hands of his next GF once we break up.

I can see why your DP is angry, that must have been a complete shock for him. I’m sure it was an accident but see it from his side.

Mumsnet has spoken: women are allowed keep multiple sex videos with an ex (or exes) performing sex acts that they now refuse to do with their current partner, and if their current partner happens to find those videos he is a controlling abuser.

Meanwhile, women are allowed go through their partner's phone, for any reason they want or none at all, and if they find so much as a photo of a former female acquaintance, the man is obviously a cheater and is keeping the photo for his own gratification.

Double standards on steroids! 🙄

(PS I bet she knew damn well she still had those vids too!)

Personally, I'd say good riddance.

Yes, he was right to be upset these videos were still on your phone.

But he watched them. Plural. Enough to complain about what you did/didn't do in them compared to what you did with him. That's a gross invasion of your personal videos, whether they should have been there or not, and he kept clicking on the 'next' one until he'd watched all 6 clearly.

And what you did/didn't do with someone in the past for whatever reason has no bearing on how you feel about doing it with someone else in the future. He has zero right to be upset about that. No means no, and consent is required for any and all sexual acts.

He didn’t find 10 year old videos while looking for a holiday he went on with you. He was snooping on your phone. Good riddance for that, and his absolute over reaction. Frankly sounds to me like he was ready for an excuse; what sensible man dumps someone for this otherwise?

This was my thought too.i think if you said you would do it with him , i bet everything would be grand again!

You can be absolutely sure that if a woman on here was talking about finding old sex videos with an ex on a husband's phone she'd be told that it was proof he was still in love with the ex.

His behaviour is a massive red flag.

Wait... so he can't handle the fact you (hold on to your chair): were in a relationship with another man before HIM and had sex with said ex-expartner? (how dare you!). Not only he can't handle the fact you had a life before him but he goes through your phone. This guy is deeply deeply insecure and the controlling type. He threw a massive wobble after checking your phone and going through your OLD private photos? .Don't worry, once he's over the wobble he will come back and use this against you for the rest of the relationship.

Please throw this one to the river 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩