DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

But what other reason would there be for keeping six explicit videos of you and your ex on your phone?

"you're keeping them because the turn you on... maybe OP hasn't viewed them recently but I'm sure she's viewed them more recently than when they were made"

I agree with the sentiment of your post, @Newbutoldfather , that there's compromise and discussion and acknowledgement of hurt to be done from both sides. But the above is just complete supposition.

OP sounds like she is being apologetic, and he sounds like he's being a total dick about it all. He could one his response and emotions, and end the relationship by saying "look, I hear what you're saying but I just can't believe you and the trust is gone. It's a line in the sand for me".

But he's not. He's shaming her and complaining that she did this sex act with another person.

@Newbutoldfather Keeping old shagging videos with exes isn’t cool. Let’s be honest, to reiterate what a PP said, you’re not keeping them to ‘remember’ happy times, you’re keeping them because they turn you on!

I'm guessing this statement is a self projection? meaning: that's the only reason you would keep your ex's videos right?

But if you didn't feel comfortable making six explicit videos why on earth wouldn't you delete them either as soon as you'd transferred them to your ex's phone (assuming he wanted them) or at least once you've split up. I mean, you surely don't 'forget' you've made six explicit videos, particularly if you really weren't keen to do so in the first place?

@July26 I think you need to separate out two issues here, because they’re getting tangled together.

The videos themselves. They’re years old, long before your DP, and lots of people have old files buried in their phones they’ve genuinely forgotten about. That part is understandable. But you also need to recognise that from his point of view, finding them feels like discovering a secret, even though it wasn’t one. He didn’t know they existed, he wasn’t meant to see them, and they show a version of you he’s never met. That’s a shock, and it’s normal for him to react emotionally.

The sex act you don’t want to do now. This is the bit that’s really hurt him. He’s not comparing himself to your ex because of the act itself, he’s comparing himself because he thinks you did something with someone else that you “wouldn’t” do with him. You need to explain that you did try it in the past, realised it wasn’t for you, and that your “no” to him wasn’t personal. It wasn’t “not with you”, it was “not anymore”.

If you want any chance of repairing things, you need to talk to him calmly and honestly. Something along the lines of:

“I understand why finding those videos upset you, and I’m really sorry you came across them. They’re from a completely different part of my life, long before I met you, and I genuinely forgot they were still there. I should have deleted them years ago and I now have.

About the sex act, I did try it in the past, and I learned it wasn’t something I enjoyed or wanted to repeat now. That doesn’t mean I wanted it with someone else and not with you. It means I didn’t want it at all. I should have explained that better instead of just saying no.

I’ve deleted the videos now because they’re not part of my life anymore. I hope we can talk this through properly, because I don’t want something from years ago to damage what we have. But I also understand you need time to process how you feel.”

This approach acknowledges his feelings without grovelling, explains your side without being defensive, and gives him a way back without pressure.

Whether he takes that path is up to him but in my mind, this is the most constructive way to open the door.

Forgive what exactly?? I’m sorry Im not the Virgin Fucking Mary?

You risk sounding as immature as him but I’ll put that reaction down to the initial stages of shock and despair at breaking up.

You are better than this and you must know that. His reaction tells me that he will judge you and hold this against you forever more. Run from that!

I think it’s interesting how the thread is quite balanced, and yet every individual seems to be strongly ‘team OP’ or ‘Team OP’s partner’. It’s a microcosm of the society we live in.

Keeping old shagging videos with exes isn’t cool. Let’s be honest, to reiterate what a PP said, you’re not keeping them to ‘remember’ happy times, you’re keeping them because they turn you on! Maybe OP hasn’t viewed them for a while, but I am sure she has viewed them more recently than when they were made.

Equally, in an ideal world, her partner would have just noticed them, realised that they belonged to a different age, and not opened them.

But, they are where they are, both hurting and (IMO) neither blameless. OP needs to reassure her partner that she doesn’t think less of him sexually than her ex (yes, I know. she is with him, not her ex, and that should be enough, but most people have an ego and at least partially invest it in their sexual performance), And he needs to acknowledge that the videos were a long time ago and don’t impact their relationship today.

Relationships are based on compromise. There will be no resolution otherwise, which is what OP seems to want.

You’ve done nothing that needs forgiveness.

How is he in other aspects of your relationship? I bet if you really look hard you will see other things that he is doing to make you feel this way.

These are such mean spirited posts. Some people like to be recorded or make videos or take pictures, and they make the decision as a consenting adult to do so - your judgement really isn't needed. But it's in even more poor taste on this thread, because the OP implied she didn't really feel comfortable making them, and a lot of women have been in the situation of feeling obligated to do something sexual for a man. Most of us have felt pressured or subject to an imbalance of power.

Calling OP stupid is so unkind and unnecessary here

I’m surprised by the first responses. Sorry but I can’t see that I wouldn’t have felt and had the same reaction in his shoes (looking on your phone aside). Six x rated videos that you couldn’t be bothered ‘forgot’ to delete? If sexes were reversed, there would be cries of LTB.

Equally he doesn’t trust you (or your account) so it’s over anyway surely!

OP that's so sad for you. I'm sure it's devastating to feel the relationship is over, and he's making you feel like you've done something wrong to cause it.

But you don't need forgiveness, you've already apologised, explained, and deleted the videos. He should trust that you weren't watching them repeatedly - why would you give him your phone if you wanted to hide them? Doesn't he trust you at all after 2 years?

Not wanting to do the sex act again is also not something to feel bad about. Him saying that it's insulting is egotistical and very bad behaviour. I really feel for you, I would have been so upset if my husband had reacted like this when he saw my old, forgotten videos (despite PPs saying how impossible and ridiculous it is, it does happen OP) x

Yes, I agree with this completely. I would also have reservations about being with anyone who was stupid enough to allow videos like this to be taken in the first place. I think this thread shows the usual double standards on Mumsnet - if the OP had found x rated videos of her partner with an ex on his phone, I think almost everyone would be saying she should leave him.

He can break up with you for whatever reason be wants. I’d leave him alone tbh. It sounds like he doesn’t care enough.

I think a big part of it is the fact the videos weren't taken on your current phone, they've been transferred when getting a new phone/s so it does look like you've kept them on purpose, even though you're saying you haven't.

Unless you've got the biggest memory SD card going, then you can't have that many videos (they also get their own section in a gallery in any phone i've ever had, so easier to find than just in the photos) for it to sound feasible that you had no idea they were there. Especially given your claim you were uncomfortable making them, why did you ever even keep them at the time? Certainly a bit odd you didn't go through and delete them when the relationship ended, deleting all traces of an ex is the first thing i do. (Especially anything remotely intimate like previous social media posts etc, definitely all photos, but admittedly you didn't say if the relationship ended badly or not) For them to have made it through at least one new phone transfer does sound fishy, surely you check with a new phone that everything you wanted is on there, so would have seen them when scrolling through, and for storage/memory doesn't everyone go through semi frequently to delete unwanted stuff?

Ignoring why he was on your phone as there are reasonable and unreasonable reasons, I can absolutely imagine his shock and devastation of finding that, and why he isn't just instantly accepting your story. If the genders were reversed very few outsiders hearing the story would believe it wasn't kept intentionally.

If i found that on a partners phone, the trust would be gone and it would be relationship over, because i'd never be able to know if it really was an innocent situation like you're saying yours is, or if it was kept intentionally and looked at. They could claim it was, delete it in front of me etc, but i'd have all the above questions of how could you not know or have found it accidentally yourself, too many coincidences. I'd drive myself mad with what if, and it would kill the relationship slowly anyway.

Let this be a teachable moment for everyone - don't go thorugh your partner's phone, people!

We are all allowed a past, and privacy. Like or not phones are stores of endless information about us, and that information will still exist even if it is no longer relevant to our lives or who we are. By rummaging thorugh someone's phone and then throwing what you find in their face you are making them accountable for things that,may have zero relevance to their life now. Who of us would pass that test?

And beyond that it is toxic behaviour, whoeever does it.

And yes I know there will be people who suspect partners of cheating and have this proven to them by something the find. But this doesn't make it any less toxic. If you have suspicions about your partner - raisew them with them. If they dont, or can't, reassure you then there isn;t the trust to make the relatonship last anyway.

The bar is low on MN.

Forgive you for what? Having sex with a previous partner? Making a consensual video? Forgetting about it? Doing something previously that you don’t want to do now?

He is entitled to be shocked perhaps, and certainly upset. But you have done nothing wrong, although you probably should have deleted them.

Be wary of him “ forgiving “ you and it changing the balance of your relationship in his favour. Or of suggestions you owe him anything sexually to make it up to him. Don’t be too hasty here. Think about how you would have reacted, and take some time yourself.

Yeah his anger is because you were doing something with an ex you have refused to do with him, his male pride/ego is bruised

I'm seeing a lot of insecure people on this thread. Like the OP I too have stuff on my phone stemming 10 years ago that I don't even remember why and where, from cat pics to hen party in Ibiza to ex dick pics, does that mean I'm still looking at my ex dick? Nope, can't care less, I'm not looking at old cats photos or my drunken GF in Ibiza either, I just haven't cleaned my phone. Somehow many people on this thread will go to the worst place when confronted with old dick pics, a) deep rooted insecurity? or b) That's what they would do themselves if the had their ex's images on their phones? ( self projection).

If you can't handle your ex had a life before you or you're snooping through your partners phone when she gives zero reasons to be jealous you need to work on your issues first and stay away from relationships.

WHAT??!!!!!! Seriously?

You need to find your anger, @July26 . And dump him. Because this will only get worse. He will hold this over you, making you feel dirty and unworthy, for evermore.

Dump him. And please, never, not ever, allow a man to film you when you are at your most vulnerable

Why hand them the power?

And that is his real upset.
How manipulative.
He wants you now to beg him to do it to you.

Don't fall for it.
Accept him telling you its over.

Why would you keep such videos?
Get rid of them.
How easy was it for him to access them?

Riiiiight. I wonder what would all OP's defenders say if they were married to a man who always refused to go down on them (as an example), with all kinds of excuses, but then found SIX videos still on his phone, after all these years, enthusiastically going down on his ex? The fact that he was stupid enough to film it, then to keep it for years - for what purpose? As a wank fodder? Because he still pines for her?

And why on earth would you keep such videos after you split with an ex, OP? So straight after splitting, you just casually forgot you made 6 sex tapes and kept them for a decade on your multiple phones?

I'd certainly be divorcing, no question about it. OP's husband clearly has principles, and good for him. He's right to dump you, OP.

He was watching a video and accessed her photo roll. I dont think that fits into the category of innocent.

So he was innocently using your phone with permission and stumbled upon (rather than snooped) sex tapes. I can see why he is upset but hopefully he will calm down and believe you that you forgot about them. It was a foolish thing to forget if you are in the habit of lending him your phone but so be it. If you want him back i think the onus is on you to pursue him, apologise and reassure him. Bear in mind if this was the reverse on MN, 'my partner keeps sex videos with his ex on his phone' everyone would say he is to be dumped etc. I don't think this should be the case in either scenarios, I think if he is reasonable he will calm down and listen to you, if you really do want to be together you can work it out.