DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

I just feel devastated and hope he will forgive me.

I just feel devastated and hope he will forgive me.

Most people I know delete videos and photos of their exes when they split. Most phones separate videos and photos into different folders. We're not talking cat photos or meter readings.

And if you have 20,000 files in your phone you probably get prompted to clean it up and deleted unwanted files to save storage/memory.

Most people who weren't comfortable making six explicit videos with an ex would have wanted to delete them long ago.

Well founded suspicions that she wasn’t a virgin?

Who is to say OP's partner didn't have well-founded suspicions? And, given what he found, he could be forgiven for thinking he might be right.

Who is to say OP's partner didn't have well-founded suspicions? And, given what he found, he could be forgiven for thinking he might be right.

OP don't do this, this is terrible advice and will end up with you assuaging his abusive and controlling behaviour. You have done nothing wrong and you owe nobody any explanations. Hold your head up high.

What other reason would there be to keep 3 cats photos shot 10 years ago? or a drunken hen do? or your electric meter readings from 2016? Answer: you have a busy life, are dealing with the important stuff and can't care less about cats, drunken hen dos and ex videos from 10 years ago, they're just THAT irrelevant that you don't even think about them. Plus... you have 20,000 files in your phone.

Who is to say OP's partner didn't have well-founded suspicions? And, given what he found, he could be forgiven for thinking he might be right.

But if you didn't feel comfortable making six explicit videos why on earth wouldn't you delete them either as soon as you'd transferred them to your ex's phone (assuming he wanted them) or at least once you've split up. I mean, you surely don't 'forget' you've made six explicit videos, particularly if you really weren't keen to do so in the first place?

If someone has well-founded suspicions that their partner is currently using swinger or fetish sites or paying for escort services, or has an OW, yes. Not photos or videos from 10 years ago.

@July26 I think you need to separate out two issues here, because they’re getting tangled together.

The videos themselves. They’re years old, long before your DP, and lots of people have old files buried in their phones they’ve genuinely forgotten about. That part is understandable. But you also need to recognise that from his point of view, finding them feels like discovering a secret, even though it wasn’t one. He didn’t know they existed, he wasn’t meant to see them, and they show a version of you he’s never met. That’s a shock, and it’s normal for him to react emotionally.

The sex act you don’t want to do now. This is the bit that’s really hurt him. He’s not comparing himself to your ex because of the act itself, he’s comparing himself because he thinks you did something with someone else that you “wouldn’t” do with him. You need to explain that you did try it in the past, realised it wasn’t for you, and that your “no” to him wasn’t personal. It wasn’t “not with you”, it was “not anymore”.

If you want any chance of repairing things, you need to talk to him calmly and honestly. Something along the lines of:

“I understand why finding those videos upset you, and I’m really sorry you came across them. They’re from a completely different part of my life, long before I met you, and I genuinely forgot they were still there. I should have deleted them years ago and I now have.

About the sex act, I did try it in the past, and I learned it wasn’t something I enjoyed or wanted to repeat now. That doesn’t mean I wanted it with someone else and not with you. It means I didn’t want it at all. I should have explained that better instead of just saying no.

I’ve deleted the videos now because they’re not part of my life anymore. I hope we can talk this through properly, because I don’t want something from years ago to damage what we have. But I also understand you need time to process how you feel.”

This approach acknowledges his feelings without grovelling, explains your side without being defensive, and gives him a way back without pressure.

Whether he takes that path is up to him but in my mind, this is the most constructive way to open the door.

But what other reason would there be for keeping six explicit videos of you and your ex on your phone?

Completely forgetting you had them

Forgive you for what
Not being a virgin when you met?
Daring to decide what to do with your own body, more specifically that you no longer wished to take part in a particular sex act?
Not deleting videos you didn’t know you had until someone snooped years and years back in your phone when you happened to not be present?

It's probably his own fault he saw them, though, so he shouldn't be making her feel bad.

I just feel devastated and hope he will forgive me.

Exactly.

But he’s seen the videos, and can’t unsee them, so there’s probably no point in continuing. I know if I saw intimate videos of my DH with an ex, I’d never get over it.

But what other reason would there be for keeping six explicit videos of you and your ex on your phone?

@July26 I think you need to separate out two issues here, because they’re getting tangled together.

The videos themselves. They’re years old, long before your DP, and lots of people have old files buried in their phones they’ve genuinely forgotten about. That part is understandable. But you also need to recognise that from his point of view, finding them feels like discovering a secret, even though it wasn’t one. He didn’t know they existed, he wasn’t meant to see them, and they show a version of you he’s never met. That’s a shock, and it’s normal for him to react emotionally.

The sex act you don’t want to do now. This is the bit that’s really hurt him. He’s not comparing himself to your ex because of the act itself, he’s comparing himself because he thinks you did something with someone else that you “wouldn’t” do with him. You need to explain that you did try it in the past, realised it wasn’t for you, and that your “no” to him wasn’t personal. It wasn’t “not with you”, it was “not anymore”.

If you want any chance of repairing things, you need to talk to him calmly and honestly. Something along the lines of:

“I understand why finding those videos upset you, and I’m really sorry you came across them. They’re from a completely different part of my life, long before I met you, and I genuinely forgot they were still there. I should have deleted them years ago and I now have.

About the sex act, I did try it in the past, and I learned it wasn’t something I enjoyed or wanted to repeat now. That doesn’t mean I wanted it with someone else and not with you. It means I didn’t want it at all. I should have explained that better instead of just saying no.

I’ve deleted the videos now because they’re not part of my life anymore. I hope we can talk this through properly, because I don’t want something from years ago to damage what we have. But I also understand you need time to process how you feel.”

This approach acknowledges his feelings without grovelling, explains your side without being defensive, and gives him a way back without pressure.

Whether he takes that path is up to him but in my mind, this is the most constructive way to open the door.