DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

I would put all this put of your mind and instead just focus on trying to draw closer to your children. Perhaps once grandchildren come on the scene… that will be when they start to see you differently

although was grandchildren obligations what your other thread was about?

But if I had been entitled surely I would have said “no, carry on giving me money!”

Your children are always your children.

He sounds like a good, generous, caring and loving man.

If I were you, I would be grateful and happy that my children have such a caring father, no matter how old the children get.

Accepting an offer doesn’t mean entitlement.

Interesting conundrum. I don’t think I could give my children a monthly amount. Regular big amounts to avoid IHT, yes. House deposits, pay for meals out, help with grandchilden, yes.

A few hundred a month when I have to stay in a 3 star hotel? Nope.

How hard do the children work? I have nephews who are gifted monthly money by both parents and grandparents because “it’s tough out there for youngsters right now”. Of course it’s tough working 30 hours a week, no kids, fixed term contracts. Funnily enough the grandparents started the help whilst at Uni and have now stopped age 26 as they were not cracking on with life.

Entitlement doesn’t equal a lack of appreciation.

I agree.

And obsessing over the money just seems like a way to other the OP more. On the face of it from her own posts there is enough money for OP & the DH to do what they want, they go on several holiday, the treat everyone to meals out, plus they help their children out during one of the most financially tight times - early adulthood.

So what if the DH is doing it out of guilt for working so much when they were young? Perhaps this is why he worked so much when they were young, to be able to help them for so long into the future.

The fact that the OP can’t even vocalise why she has an issue with this is really the reason why she should just move on and try to actually bond with her family more. I bet this perceived issue is actually causing some of the drift between her and her children.

Exactly
it seems such a waste of the OP’s time when the big picture is… she isn’t close to any of her three children and very much feels it

Absolutely agree with this. The money isn't the issue here.

Yes but no one telling me how to feel about my children is going to have much impact on me. And I suspect your husband is the same.

Is the feeling responsible thing because he's worried the next generation will be less well off? It will be extremely unusual for young people to have a generous db pension, for example.

I think your energy would be better focussed on thinking how you can draw closer to your 3 children because you sound very much an outsider in the family

It's not enmeshed, it's to do with the inheritance tax rules. If you give regular gifts out of surplus income they are immediately IHT free (even if you due within 7 years). It's standard tax-planning advice.

And OP says they invest it for the future. Much more useful than receiving money later when you're in your 60s or 70s.

I very much doubt his feelings about his children would change on the basis that you tell him some mumsnetters think xyz

Op we are possibly 10 - 15 years ahead of you. Retired 10 years anyway and each now receiving 3 x pensions (gov, private and occupational). We did actually sell our house nearly 3 years ago in order to offload to children now when it would better benefit them plus for inheritance tax reasons. It doesn’t stop us travelling, (6 months out of 12 but not 5 star, got over that gone down to 4 star plus we have a v nice camper) or having lunch/dinner out whenever we like. Prioritise your own needs/wants then gift what you can. You don’t need masses in the bank….. if you need elderly care your pensions will be taken. The HMRC rule is you can contribute to your children’s outgoings on a regular basis as long as there is no reduction/detriment to your own lifestyle.

You are needing to plan for perhaps 40/50 years of life - with no clarity at all on the situation we might face as a country. Spending even most of it, is fraught with risk. You are assuming this country stays solvent long enough to feed you in old age.

Could you afford the more luxurious holidays and a few meals out and still give them some money ?
It sounds like less of a money issue and more of a sadness that you would like to enjoy a few of the finer things in life with your DH and it’s less of a priority to him.

To answer your question, my DPs helped me out at important times in my life ( only DC) so lump sum deposit towards my first mortgage, paid for my wedding and very kindly paid for DS private education. They didn’t start giving me the annual tax free lump sum until a few years ago when they were in their 80s and sure that they had more than enough for any care needs. Just as well as they have both had to go into a care home with dementia and the one bright spot of the past year is at least when the decision was finally taken, they had ample funds and we could oick a nice place round the corner from us.

We hope to do roughly the same for DS ( another only DC not through choice). But at this stage of our lives - late 50s - we’re definitely focusing on spending on ourselves and traveling as much as we can with my part time job and seeing DPs frequently, as we’re aware that our good health may not last forever.

So in unclear

what are you wanting then?