DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

But in total you’ll have accepted tens of thousands of pounds in chunks from your parents. And that’s fine?

whereas much smaller regular deposits totalling the same amount is not fine?

And that’s because weddings are a pretty pointless waste of money.

But you say you would never ever contribute to your own children’s weddings

yet accepted very sizeable amounts for both your weddings 😆

Well no - because OP isn’t posting about monetary gifts for weddings or putting her teenagers through university, is she?

I would be a hypocrite either criticising that OR being an adult accepting long-term, regular financial support from parents – which I am not. So brush up on your definitions.

If you read my actual posts, I do not count university as ‘no reason’ to give your child money. I clearly say it’s ’ongoing, long-term’ financial support for ‘little reason’.

I also said I did feel entitled to the wedding gift at 22 as they had given my sister £25k.

I also said I paid my mother back for the second wedding monetary gift.

Is an 18 or a 22yr old an entitled? Of course. Am I an adult accepting long term and ongoing financial support from my parents? No. Therefore there’s no hypocrisy at play.

Just breathtaking hypocrisy

Your posts are muddled, on one hand you say you can afford this, you won’t run out of money, your life is comfortable, next you say the money your husband gives his children you’d like to spend on better hotels for you and more treats for you. Which states you’re going without to do this, it can’t be both.

and you also claim all the money is yours, you both worked hard for it. Bit it appears you didn’t work for a long time, you have s small pension, you rely heavily on your husband to support you financially and you spend your pension on you. Now you’re objecting to him spending some of his on your children as you want it spent on you too.

in addition you claim it’s sad you’re not close to your own kids, it’s a work in progress, in the same breath grudging them the money their father gives them as you want it spent on your enjoyment.

you were a sahm for a long time, but you’re not close to your own children. You argue your salary would have went on childcare, but it’s a joint cost and work is about a lot more. I wonder how well being a sahm worked out for you all and how much that situation led to your relationship today.

overall I find myself grimacing reading your posts, you don’t come across as a woman who wants to get close to her kids, you come across as you grudge them the money and want it spent on you instead, when already he spends plenty on you. Supporting uou. It’s him he doesn’t spent on.

Yes, I did feel entitled to it at the time. I paid my mother back for the second wedding, however.

Your hypocrisy @Didimum is breathtaking

you received £15k from your folks for your first wedding and then £8k for your second but then you say We don’t mind helping with uni, property deposits or childcare costs, but I draw the line at contributing to weddings.

unbelievable!!

Whereas your folks giving you £23k for two weddings… absolutely fine

got it

Did you feel that way accepting £15k for your first wedding and then £8k for your second, and all your uni tuition and rent paid for?

big lump sums? Fine. Smaller regular treats… not fine

I said for ‘little reason’. And that is for little reason.

Well sure that could happen 😕

When I went to uni in London my parents paid my tuition and rent and I had £400 a month from my student loan for everything else. No, they don’t need anymore money.

that was nice of them! They didn’t need to do this. But I bet you appreciated it!

and then

Our wedding (my second) 7yrs ago cost £14k. Joint income at the time was about £95k. About £8k gifted from parents.
My first wedding cost £25k. Joint income £50k. About £15k gifted.
My sister’s wedding was £25k. Joint income £40k. £20k gifted.

so big one off payments - not entitled
but smaller regular payments - entitled?

It's a tough one, my DF felt financially responsible for me into adulthood; I kept telling him not to, and would treat my parents as often as I could, I was earning a good salary, but he persisted. When he died, I discovered that I actually earned more than he did. Even if he had known that, I don't think it would have changed anything.

And you can’t be surprised when your children are frivolous or irresponsible. Or burn through money or you die and they end up in debt. It’s lovely to treat dc regardless of age but you can ruin them too.

No, the entitlement comes where you feel a) justified to accept it and b) no discomfort in accepting it.

It weakens financial independence, fosters dependence as opposed to growth, and reduces the consequences of financial decisions and responsibility.

Unless they are experiencing an exceptional circumstance, I can’t think of one good reason to prop them up as though they are a child.

I think dh would easily baby our kids - it’s in his upbringing to treat adults like children - I am trying to teach them financial independence (he is keen on this too) - they need to learn to plan effectively, but other things need to be considered - we need to have enough money to pay for our old age care and that is very pricey - I won’t destroy their lives by making them responsible for us in old age. Giving them money for luxuries - or avoid inheritance tax only to land them with massive caring responsibilities is not a kindness. Our savings are now for our old age and I won’t be living life like a pauper so that they can have regular massages & botox! You pay for those luxuries after you’ve covered your bills!

Hi op it’s a tough one because your dh likes to give them money and you are right he shouldn’t feel financially responsible now as they are adults. I think the fact none of them are expecting it is good. I think you could suggest that you do this but also treat yourselves too like your holidays to better accommodation or if you need health care you say I’m going private if he says no to these you should say if it was the dc it wouldn’t be an issue. Is he closer as they see him as the person who does help financially. Sometimes kids forget it was the mom who took care of them when they were little but they only remember dad getting his wallet out or helping them in other ways.

Oh my parents “reason” and my “reason” is simply… I love treating my children! And my parents felt the same.

I think about it in terms of levelling the playing field. My parents had free university education, I paid around £1200 per year, I'll support my children so they don't end up in hundreds of thousands of debt.

My dad bought a £1.3 million house on one salary. We earn double his salary but can only afford a much less valuable house and without help our children may end up renting a hovel as money increasingly becomes concentrated in the hands of the wealthy and buy to let 'investors' who provide a 'service' of rent extraction to people who would years ago have been able to buy those same houses but can't due to people who own more than their fair share of housing.

It does when it’s accepted on a long-term, ongoing basis for little reason.

What an odd thread. You’re asking if you’re being unreasonable to think your husband shouldn’t feel financially responsible for your children? Well, yes you’re unreasonable to be telling someone else how to feel. Yes, he is unreasonable to be thinking he’s responsible for adults who obviously went off to get mortgages etc. I think this is a case of too much time and money on your hands. Get on with your lives, gift your children if you wish (or if it’s good for tax purposes).

You spoke about wishing you could spend more on yourselves. I am probably a few years older than you so would say do it and do it now. We are very lucky that neither of us is in poor health but can feel the difference from 60 to second half of our 60s. We have spent to make the house more comfortable, we have got into the way of spending more on eating out and buying better food (also enjoy supporting local small businesses). We elected to give each child a one off large (for us) amount.