DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

Now, our DC are all adults and have a great work ethic that they learned from seeing us work hard. They all have excellent financial sense and will be teaching their own DC the same things they learned.

I am really baffled then that you have even the slightest issue with your very very very comfortably off DH gifting your children

Your post at 9:01 reads like you don't like that your kids get more which means you get less.

I suggest you focus less on the money and more on the relationship between them, as it seems you have partly decided to do.

I am wondering about this "tax efficiency" excuse. You by your own admission, have a negligible pension. Just how big is your DH's pension that he worries about it being subject to inheritance tax (given I assume you are both healthy and at the younger end of retired)? Bearing in mind the the nil band if couples combine allowances is £1million.

Is your DH actually making odd financial decisions based in an unfounded fear of IHT? Older peole can become obsessed with.this stuff and make sub optimal financial decisions as a result - see people who sign up to didgy tax avoidance schemes for their houses because they are needlessly worried about IHT or care fees.

The litmus test for me is are you financially supporting your DCs to such an extent that their lifestyle is better than yours.
So when they go on holiday what class of hotel do they stay in, if it’s 3 star or self catering then fair enough, but if they’re using your contributions to enjoy a better lifestyle than you yourself can enjoy, then you’re giving them too much.

So don’t get bogged down in thinking about what your dh feels and money

the main focus for you AND your Dh should be how to build bridges between you and all of your children

It is not

Distant from my children OR overbearing

Don't you know, you can only enjoy these things if you work 23 hours a day until your fingers bleed and your feet fall off and earn it yourself?

God who cares - as a PP said, life can be shit and hard work, it's nice to give the people you love little treats.

My mantra for deciding whether most things actually matter, is that we all die just the same in the end - in this case, whether you earn every penny yourself or someone helps you! You don't get to go round again cos you were a "proper" adult!

Is your DH saying you should be doing more than you are already doing?

You’re not financially responsible for them, though it sounds like you’re financially supportive towards them, and why not if you can comfortably afford to.

Leaving emotions out of it, small gifts each year is the way to go because of tax, I think (not an expert). Perhaps those small gifts could go into an investment account or similar rather than on daily expenditure?

Ha ha! It does explain how more middle class peers of mine have been able to afford a much better lifestyle than me on similar wages.

No jealously here, as alow income single parent my dad has not been in a position to help much over the years- he gave us the odd bit of money at university for meals out or trains back, he very generously passed a small inheritance (a couple of thousand) from his father straight to us and there is always the open offer of a free place to come home whenever we need it. I am sure of things ever got really bad he would do whatever he could to help

But similar to some on here, I am now an established adult with a good job, savings and a mortgage and would be deeply ashamed to be taking regular hand outs from my retired parent.

Do you have a financial planner @Femalefootyfan1 ? If not I wonder if that may help, ours said that a very common issue is people underspending in retirement as it is hard to shift out of accumulation mode. I guess what I am really asking is - are you sure your can’t have the modest lifestyle upgrade you would like and continue to gift out of surplus income to your adult DC. If not then yes, it sounds like and adjustment needs to be made. Compromising your lifestyle to create surplus income like this, when your adult DC are not in real need does not sit right.

I am all for giving money to adult DC out of surplus income as long as it is genuinely surplus and helps them developmentally as well as financially. We are at the earlier stages of this (DH retirement and DC as adult) and it has been very thought provoking to say the least.

I know people whose parents continually sub them in adult life, monthly amounts in addition to large lump sums along the way and free properties. They are entitled, lazy, out of touch and selfish people. One is a typical trust fund kid - gets about £40,000 a year from a family business they never have to work in. They are so penny pinching and awful. Can’t relate to most other people. I find that those who get given a lot of unearned wealth from their parents are the tightest too. Never the ones to get the round of drinks in first type people.

@Velvetandleather

OMG ! A woman wants to spend money on….herself?! I can tell that’s blowing your mind isn’t it?! Also did you miss the bit about Op having health issues and possibly wanting/needing private healthcare in future?

OP, you want to enjoy retirement! You want to be able to buy new clothes and makeup and stay in better hotels than 3 stars - absolutely not unreasonable at all! It’s your money and you earned the right to enjoy it!

oh and you are totally right to be thinking you need to be careful with money as you might want/need to get private healthcare at some point.

Yet some people on here are trying to tell you that you are selfish for this. That you should go without to keep going with this ‘gifting’ for perfectly capable adults who you have already helped loads. it’s INTERNALISED MISOGYNY basically.

oh and my previous post was sarcastic - like fuck do I think you should sell your house to give them even more money!

@Femalefootyfan1

No it doesn’t at all, you can graciously accept something offered to, or it’s insisted on you having without feeling like you’re entitled to it.
Your prejudice of this is making you conflate to different things, it’s very obvious.

I mean you quite literally have multiple people on the thread telling you they receive regular financial contributions from parents of large means but they don’t feel entitled or owed this money, and even though you aren’t actually in this situation you are claiming you know more about how people in that situation feel.

Clearly you feel if you received financial contributions from someone you would feel entitled to it if it was over a period of time. That’s projecting.

My DH worked very long hours for years building his career, which without my support and me being a SAHM, he wouldn’t have been able to

god I hate when women do this, yes he would hsve been able to do it. Outsourced child care is a thing. And you were fifty percent responsible.

snd you do wish the money spent on you. Yes to do things with your husband, but he’s not focused on these things you are. So you’ve barely worked, have a tiny pension and resent the fact your husband gifts you as you want even more treats,

I can’t see how you will ever get close to your children, you come across as very selfish,

The best inheritance you can leave your adult DCs is to have rock solid plans drawn up so they don’t have to physically care for you if the time arises.

This means power of attorney with explicit health and welfare sections, having discussions when you are still in sound mind about what your wishes are if you are not and being proactive about adaptations in your house as you age e.g. walk in showers etc. It’s also extremely helpful if you have enough money for home care and ideally care homes.

I never had any financial help as a teenager/ young adult but my mum did lots of school runs for my children when my husband left and refused to help. My mum helped me for years with this. As a shift worker I couldn’t just pay for childcare so she allowed me to keep my career so this has basically saved me thousands of pounds. I have had 2 promotions since then. I will be comfortable when I retire. That was because of her. She knew how grateful I was.

With my children I have given them what I consider a lot of financial help considering I’m a single parent. I have given eldest a house deposit and have one for the younger one when he is ready. I paid for driving lessons and first cars for them both.

My siblings and I are going to inherit some money soon as my mum has passed away and I am selling her house now. My share will be split between me and my children.

Following that the children know they have to make their own way going forward. I will then focus on myself and getting myself in a good position for retirement. I have a good pension already so I’m not too worried. I would help if needed but ultimately want to keep my money for myself primarily at that point.

So I think you and your husband have been very, very generous. I don’t think giving money every month is necessary but it’s difficult for you to argue if you can afford it as a couple. I don’t think it necessarily causes people to be entitled.
I would have appreciated some financial help when learning to drive etc but I am very grateful for the childcare help I got.

So they are distant from you and…
You are distant from them “because I don’t want to be the parent that lives their life through the DC”

That is how you regard parents who want to be and are close to their adult children?

What does age have to do with anything? They are my children, and we will help them in any way we can as long as we are both still breathing, it doesn't have to just be financial.

My parents weren't able to help financially, but they would have if they could. But helped in other ways, decorating, child care, however life is much harder for young people; there is no point in keeping money tied up to give to the tax man in 30 years. It's much better to help out when you can, and they need it.

We have been fortunate to put them through private school, pay their university fee and give a deposit for their houses, which has given them a big help in life, but they have always been appreciative, understand they are very fortunate and don't take it for granted. They both have great careers where they can support themselves, but we would help them both in the blink of an eye if needed. My husband will give them gift to remain tax-efficient.