DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

But if the OP and husband can afford to help their kids, or make life easier, or even help them build up savings or investments, at no detriment to their own financial situation and actually beneficial in terms of IHT planning , why on earth wouldn't they? The only reason I can think not to would be if there were addictions or other dangerous or feckless behaviours

Agree @Findyourdomain

@Friendlygingercat
To be clear I have gifted house deposits , essentially inheritance going straight to DC

Its the " struggling" when it actually means they just cant manage money

I don't have any children. But if I had I would prefer to gift them money while I was alive rather than see it go into the grubby hands of the tax man when I was dead. This is what many people will do if the plans for a global IHT come to fruition. People will simply alter their behaviour and find way to pass it on to their kids or someone they value. I don't blame them.The tax man sucks you dry when you are alive so why give them another chance when you are no longer around.

I don't think shielding someone from struggling is necessarily a good thing. I have observed people including myself, go through hardship and challenge and getting through it makes you stronger - they don't have to be life changing but solving problems yourself feels great! Being denied that opportunity isn't always a kindness for the recipient - but ultimately a selfish act by the giver - who does it to makes themselves feel good - they have been the white knight swooping in and fixing the problem. Ultimately reducing the ability for the recipient to feel empowered and independent. How much of this is insecurity - a desire to keep your adult children dependent and close to you? Without the cash supplementation would they still be as close - would they love you as much?

Not everyone of course - some people are born fiercely independent and money will not alter their perspective. But I'm sure it does for many.

I always find the " couldnt watch them struggle" quotes very strange

Surely just handing over money stops them from making better decisions, learning, budgeting etc

Most of the "struggling" people arent really struggling they are just making poor decisionsflashy cars and the parents are shielding them from the consequences

Excellent comment. Couldn’t say it better.

I think it’s lovely OP. You can obv afford it and aren’t going without and it sounds like your DC appreciate it.

We help our adult kids out … cars, house deposits, mobiles, small monthly transfer etc. they are both very hard working but with the COL life is quite hard for them.

I couldn’t sit on a lot of money and watch them struggle. They appreciate it very much.

who is @didimum?

I think there is a lot to unpack here OP.
im in a similar position to you age wise and financially and although I don’t give my adult children a monthly allowance, I regularly help them out financially. For example this month I’ve helped one child by buying new school uniform for their three children, including shoes. I’ve bought a new vacuum cleaner for another child. I always pay when we eat out. They don’t expect this but I can afford it and it helps them. But, and it’s a big but, I don’t skimp on stuff for us, and I sit down with my DH and discuss finance each month. We jointly decide how much we spend on holidays and if one of us wants a four star hotel, that’s what we book. Why don’t you sit down and have a conversation on how you feel before it leads to more resentment and falling out.
re the closeness to your children, I think this comes in waves and isn’t linear so it could be that, although he’s closer to them now, it may not follow that it will always be the case.
good luck OP, I admire your honesty.

Same here. My MIL was fantastic, she paid for loads of thing for the children that we could never of afforded , and I’ll always be grateful.

If a genuine post, you have various problems other than cashflow to think about.

However, you’ve asked about cashflow so…my main query would be whether you are blunting ambition and drive by giving. If so, have a think (and perhaps still give). If not, of course continue to give.

There’s something ‘off’ about this thread.

My brothers and I are very adult. Our dad (mum died years ago) is very financially astute so has been able to be very generous with his children. We don't get a monthly amount but every so often for Christmas he will gift us some money for which we a very grateful for- we are all professionals with decent jobs. I hope to be able to help my daughter in this way.

No, you're not responsible for them - they are grown adults with jobs. If they had disabilities or care needs that would be entirely different, but successful, working adults? No.

By all means, give house deposits or emergency help, but honest to God- some of these replies! Paying the phone contracts for your adult children?? Just why?

Stop infantilising them - it does not help.

Bravo Tina, mamabear always got the children's back.

They are in their 30’s, so no, you are not financially responsible for them.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I have family in the same situation, interestingly both the parents will have swing and roundabouts in their feelings so not always on the same side.

in one example my DU thinks a certain spouse isn’t pulling his weight in supporting his wife and child and doesn’t offer any thanks for when items are paid for for by the parents. That grates DU.

in my Aunt’s case, she feels abandoned by her daughter who only calls when money is required.

How my family tried to deal with it is pay for a family annual holiday that everyone gets to enjoy, but no more cash.

when money was being gifted to offspring, the other received the same regardless or neither at all.

That worked, but then the DD started to buy her groceries on the family credit card, so opened a new wound. Back to DU’s position…

is your DH trying to compensate for younger years? Maybe that needs to be addressed.

in the meanwhile can you work to a budget if how much gifting is done? Could it be set aside for larger purchases that will mean something to the DC layer on.

Agreed - wr have planned and put by money for our care - our adult kids know this, we shared our thinking and they are fully supportive. Put your own oxygen mask on first!

Totally agree - I can never decide whether they are the grabby kids or the martyr parents who’ll be let down enormously when they realise their kids are only around whilst the cash is flowing.😁

Take some of these posters with a pinch of salt OP…they’ll only be really happy if you holiday in a caravan and wash your hair in fairy liquid and give every penny you have to your kids. Cos there is such a weird Martyr self sacrificing, internalised misery on this site. @Femalefootyfan1

Show them the total household costs for a month and how much their 25% share is. Then ask for £50 quid. I bet they will be happy to pay so little!