DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

wtf, you wrote “In my marriage I would like some attention. Thought. Consideration. Not to be a part of the furniture, taken for granted.”

I only asked if you couldn’t buy your own stuff,

Fuck’s sake, this isn’t about me and my marriage. I totally understand my marriage, you were asking about it if you recall!

was asking the OP whether there was something like that behind her concerns because it makes more sense than it just being about the money.

Now pay attention and stop handing out opinions without actually reading (or perhaps understanding) what people say! You’ve come across as very patronising, while also being wrong.

I love this for you and I hope to do this for my children.

If it helps, I’m very close to my children yet I don’t plan on doing this. Gifts here and there if we can afford it and they need it for something specific- yes. A no interest loan to be paid back in tiny sums or at a delayed date- yes. Monthly allowance to working, financially comfortable adults- no.

However the difference between me and you is that whilst my pension will be ok, it won’t be amazing so it would likely impact on my lifestyle. Maybe I would feel different if it didn’t.

I agree.

I mean, I get sent money every year and would certainly notice if it stopped, but that doesn't mean I need it or feel entitled to it

OP isn't being "run down to zero" either. I'm not sure where you're coming up with that.

I think it’s a pretty normal feeling, I will help my dd out for as long as I’m able too no matter her age. I’m 41 and my dad is always messaging me asking if I’ve got enough money or if I need anything

I think it’s good to charge rent as that’s how the real world works

but also nice to help out kids if you can and even more so if when you die it helps with the tax bill

Why would you think that? What an odd thing to comment on. It’s exactly what FIL would say, in a half joking way - he’ll be responsible for everyone financially until the day he dies. Except he won’t be, because we don’t want or need his money! It’s as though that’s the role he’s assigned himself and it sounds like the OP’s DH is similar. Lots of parallels in my book.

I always find threads like this so mental because it makes me realise how many of my friends must still be getting pocket money from their parents. 😂

I disagree. If op stopped the monthly payments they would most certainly notice it, and if they don’t, then they shouldn’t be paid it at all if they are so wealthy.

I definitely think the dc of today have a much tougher ride, but running your pensions down to zero hoping you die at 70 isn’t smart. Unless you are extremely wealthy and will never need the money it could impoverish many people into older age.

Why are you assuming that someone who gets financial help is entitled?

My parents send me money every year. I don't ask for it. I don't need it. I run a successful business (as does DH). We own our home and don't have any debts. Mostly the money sits in savings or gets used on things like car repairs so my own savings account can stay untouched.

I actually think it’s funny that people try to claim they would be far too mortified to accept any money from their loaded family. Do these people to turn down Christmas gifts or inheritance money? Or is it just help they don’t have offered that they claim they wouldn’t accept?

We bought our home on our own, structured our payments for our income but parents over the years have gifted £100k to pay down the mortgage, a car, investments for each child, 80k for a kitchen, a monthly amount from being gifted a rented property and pay school fees.
Absolutely none of it is demanded so there’s no entitlement, they are wealthy enough and willing to help and would be offended if we said no, and they have worked all their life to be able to give to their children so would prefer to see it benefit all the DC’s lives while they’re around rather than everyone having a bit less upon their death.

I can tell you there are no apron strings, I feel zero guilt, zero embarrassment. I actually just feel a happy and content existence with zero money worries and content with our decent savings, no consumer debt and small mortgage.

Its his own feeling. I think you are both similar in that you would always help if they needed, he feels that is a responsibility you feel that is a back up plan unlikely to be required.

I wouldn't consider myself financially responsible for adult children unless I was funding their life as they couldnt support themselves with basics (may be the case for the child with cheap rent). But definitely not always the case.

The only problem would be if one of you wants to spend money the other wants save/give to children.

If the responsibility is causing him pressure it is an issue, but if it is just how he feels then he is entitled to feel how he likes and to manage those feelings if they becomes a problem.

No it doesn't, all it does is mean that the money is spread out across the year rather than being sent as a birthday gift, for example.

And yet I literally said I wouldn’t. I know it’s very common on here to cry ‘jealousy’ when you don’t agree with a post, and sometimes it might just need a wee bit more thought than that.

There seems to have been a fundamental cultural shift around financial support of adult children. I find it quite odd. I have been financially independent since I was 21. My wonderful and generous parents would certainly have helped me if I'd ever faced a crisis but so far (touch wood) I haven't. But there is no way I would accept (or expect) regular handouts, much less something large like help toward a house deposit. My DH and I are professionals, we can support our family just fine, thank you.

It seems that some adults believe that their parents owe them financial assistance. Not just if they encounter serious problems but as a matter of course. I honestly can't get my head around this entitlement and I don't think that infantilising adults does anyone any favours in the long run. You've done a great deal for your children @Femalefootyfan1and in your shoes I would certainly step back.

A monthly allowance suggests otherwise

Where has she said they don’t do this, she’s said rhe opposite. They are not bailing these kids out.

all I can see is envy when you make this something it’s not.

Ok I think you’ve bigger issues in your marriage, maybe start a thread, bur I’d suggest dealing wirh those and not competing with your own kids or resenting them due to it,

I love my dc and have really supported them. I would say though it’s not ‘envy’ to want to raise prudent, financially skilful, independent ac. We have really taught our children skills to invest wisely and not to live beyond their means and to solve problems themselves.

There is a great deal of pride that comes from managing your own life and finances well, and to be truly self sufficient.

In my view gifting money or assets should be no strings attached, and done so prudently, so their lifestyle is not being artificially inflated. It has created ambitious, well informed young adults that know the value of money.

Oh I think you would and that’s the issue,

What's insane about it though? As long as it doesn't come with strings, isn't demanded and can easily be afforded - what's the problem? My parents don't need it, they don't go without to send me money and it's also tax-free if they were to die unexpectedly - win/win, surely?

I think it’s quite sad you aren’t close to your children

I think it's lovely. Life is hard enough isn't it. Enjoy giving to your kids and they can have less stress and hopefully pass on the kindness to their own. God knows we need a bit of this on MN as there is so much hurt from adult children who have been cast out once the parents decide they are done parenting.

You never stop being a parent and if you can , you never stop giving.