DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

Here's what I wrote: "It seems that some adults believe that their parents owe them financial assistance. Not just if they encounter serious problems but as a matter of course. I honestly can't get my head around this entitlement and I don't think that infantilising adults does anyone any favours in the long run."

If you are not one of those adults I was writing about (the ones who believe that their parents owe them financial assistance as a matter of course), then I wouldn't include you among the entitled.

I have definitely seen the negative results of entitlement among people in this category. They seem to live in a state of extended adolescence, with Mum and Dad funding their lives. I doubt if they will ever stand on their own two feet.

It just seems like a really odd leap, theres nothing in OP’s post that suggests she’s being out second place to her adult children either financially or in terms of time her husband can’t give her.

It’s so weird isn’t it? People have been called entitled, immature and demanding…

It’s not about being financially responsible though, it’s just about having money and choosing to give some of it to your adult kids.

I don’t know what you mean?

I wish my parents had your attitude. They eat out a few times a week and go on endless holidays (10 last year) whilst I struggle financially.

I know.

And as someone who very much did benefit from my parents generosity… it’s like the cherry on top!

We help DS26 in the sense of feeding him and GF usually once a week and usually treating them to a heavily subsidised holiday once a year ie we pay for flights and hotel, they pay for the evening meals. His phone is still on our family plan and hers is on her parents’ plan. They have paid off their cars and we don’t help with mortgage or utilities. So we give more help than many families could afford to do, but not regular cash gifts. We’re at a similar life stage to OP except DH is still working.

I don't really understand your DH's viewpoint. When does it end? Should my 76 year old parents be financially responsible for 46 year old me?

There is something about parents gifting their adult kids money that brings some posters out in absolute fury,

It seems that some adults believe that their parents owe them financial assistance. Not just if they encounter serious problems but as a matter of course. I honestly can't get my head around this entitlement
Huge assumption here that it's expected and taken for granted. My
DC have never had any expectation, always say "you don't have to", always appreciative. I see the same comments on this thread from multiple parents who are passing it forward. I dare say I might reconsider if my DC showed sign of being "entitled" .

I see a lot of threads like this on MN.
People who never got help from their own parents and had to struggle at uni or in their 20s .Some with the attitude that "it was good enough for me so I'll treat my children the same" and others determined to be different from their own parents.

A monthly amount that is the same every month out of excess income is a very tax efficient way to gift, I assume that is the reason behind it, rather than an allowance as it were.

What, none of her kids live at home

I don’t know whether she it, is was a question I was asking.

But can you really not see a difference between something impacting your lifestyle, and feeling second best/over looked? Would you understand it better if the sexes were reversed? People on here are often quick to point out that men can feel neglected when women’s priority is their DC. When the DC are dependent, that’s entirely right. They are supposed to grow up and let their parents remember to consider each other again, though!

Which is a total derailment if that isn’t what lies beneath OP’s concern.

My parents didn’t support me as an adult, either financially or in any other way.

i had twins (and it was a very difficult pregnancy). Having small kids and working is really tough, it was certainly the toughest part of my life both financially and emotionally.

my dad died and now my mum has a LOT of assets. She keeps trying to give me money but I don’t need it now - my kids are adults and I osn my own home.

i’m encouraging her to leave it to my kids her grandkids because frankly having the money when you are starting out for a house deposit or to pay for further study is incredibly helpful.

OP, would you feel happier about it if it was done in a more structured way? I think effectively paying them an allowance in their 30s seems a bit odd (assuming they are doing ok) if they're just using it for topping up what they have for living costs.

We are planning to give our kids a lot of money if we can (with 7y rule) but I actually feel happier doing this as a lump sum- making clear that it's part of their inheritance. I think that makes it more likely that it will be used in a way that contributes to long-term financial stability, as they can use it to pay off the mortgage or put it into pension/ISA. The problem with monthly smaller payments is that it's too easy for it to just go on another takeaway or pair of shoes (or whatever) and I can see that might grate.

My parents were the same with my sisters OP. My eldest sister finally left my mum’s house when she was in her mid-forties after having spent her entire adult life flitting between my parents’ homes, council housing, or having my parents subsidise her rentals. She now lives in my other sister’s spare room. I thought my mum was finally going to be getting her house back but that sister’s daughter has now moved back in with her boyfriend and baby! So my mum is now supporting her great-grandson as well.

You might think you’re helping your children but all you’re doing is creating a sense of entitlement and expectation that will never go away. My mum is now financially supporting a third generation. Hopefully she won’t in time be supporting a fourth!

Having DB pensions, we will not run out of money. And have never always been comfortable, far from it.
37 years nursing, mostly in primary care and in and out of care homes has shown me that saving for old age is not always the best use of that money over the lifespan.
We dont plan to run out of money completely, just spend and enjoy the vast majority of it whilst fit, redirecting the excess to our children years earlier on a regular basis when they need it most. They are high achieving and doing well anyway but their generation needs all the help they can get.
We are retiring this year at 55 to begin the process.

It isn’t just about money is it @Femalefootyfan1 ? Your DH is happier to help them out practically and be involved regularly?

I'm aware - but I was talking about the OP, not other posters.

But if OP and her husband are experiencing no impact to the lifestyle they want to live, or the things they can afford to do, they are even retired early, then how is she coming after the children?

My kids were already independent by the time I started helping them.

But as a widow of 70, inheritance tax has become something that seems quite real. As does deprivation of assets. So I want to help my kids while I'm able to do that without repercussions.

Neither of my DDs are in the position we were at their age. Despite being in their late thirties, their houses are too small to be forever family homes (we live in the relatively expensive southeast) , and as everyone recognises, their generation hasn't been as fortunate as mine.

I don't give them monthly allowances or anything like that, but on two occasions I've given them significant amounts of money to save towards the next step up the ladder. And the interest from one of my savings accounts goes towards one DD's offset mortgage. They both know to come to me in a variety of circumstances that we've discussed.

If either of them showed signs of entitlement or taking me for granted, I'd stop. But so far they've been nothing but appreciative, and they frequently check that I can afford to do this. Which I can

Pp said that so maybe read the whole thread. Where pp have said they intend to run their own money to zero and live on basic state aid. The fact is old age is when we will most need to comfort and cushion of money and access to the best healthcare. Unless of course many are expecting said dc to look after them, and we all know where that ends up!!

It’s not about buying stuff!!! That’s the point! It’s about not coming after the children. Even when they are grown up!

Are you gifting your money monthly as "gifts out of excess income" to reduce iht. if you are you need a detailed spreadsheet of each month's income and expenditure showing where your money is going. You can't just say "I had £xx left over and give it so if you haven't started doing this you need to start. My husband's cousin has been giving money regularly for 18 months to a good friend and she is now having to go back through all her bank statements for that 18 months to detail every item of income and expenditure in a spreadsheet. She has mnd and is getting her affairs in order to make it easier for my husband and I who are executors.

Just a heads up. After 7 years you can knock off the first year but you will need 7 years records.