DH feels financially responsible for our adult DC

We gave each of our 3 DC a very substantial gift with which they each bought their first house.

We do not subsidise them in any other way.
They are all working hard in good careers and have been very grateful for the help so I do not think it has made them entitled

If you really do have enough in your pot, despite it not being enough to be taxed n, why are you not paying for a 4 or 5 hotel ?
Why are you not suggesting lunches out and paying for them ?
etc.

I don’t mind admitting that one way we’re reducing inheritance tax, is by putting fairly substantial sums into Junior S&S ISAs for the 3 Gdcs. It’s a bit of a worry that they’ll have access at 18, but 🤞they’ll be generally sensible - and at some point when they’re a bit older - assuming I’m still here - I shall be having a Little Talk with them.

Yes this is how I feel too. Despite only having average salary jobs DH and I have always helped out our children.
One other thing to add is that I enjoy buying things for them more than for myself. As I have got older I am only interested in a very simple life, so I get joy from hearing about their travels or things they have done.

I can see both sides. My parents have never helped me nor would they think to. However, it does not bother me. But I know my FIL still sees my DH and his siblings as his children in all ways despite them all having families and jobs of their own. It can feel quite claustrophobic as an adult to never be able to pick up a bill or constantly having them want to buy/gift us stuff. But then again I would be the same with ours - so I see both sides!

You aren’t close to them, distant from the. and that makes you sad

So I’m your shoes, I wouldnt dig your heels in. Seems odd to be wanting to stop this when you feel sad about your relationship with them. All they will see is their dad enjoying treating them and their mum saying no no no.

Mine had house deposits and I gift cash generously at Christmas and Birthdays

I think there is a very fine line and paying phones/ cars for earning adults is infantilising them
All the"I would give my kids my last penny" is martyrish and enmeshed
Gawds sake treat them like adults and let them grow up

It’s not an either or.

' my DH suggested we gift and I agreed. Yes it comes out of his pension income as his is much, much higher than mine. He pays tax on his income,
I don’t get enough to pay tax. I’m not going to explain further than that.

I would sometimes prefer that we use this gift money for additional treats for us I feel that although we’re fortunate to travel across the year, we differ in the choice of accommodation we have so I’d prefer upwards of say 3 star, he’ll generally go for just 3 star, sounds petty but there it is, that’s just an example of how differently we view how much we spend on things.

I’d also like to do additional days out/lunch out for us as that was something we never did when we were working.
I also do sometimes feel a bit overlooked and taken for granted which I know is a separate issue and not something for this thread.

I spend more on personal items from the money I receive than he does as he’s not one for new clothes, shoes etc like I am, personal choice at the end of the day. '

I can't decide if you are greedy or just jealous of the money he gives to the children.

but you certainly don't like how he chooses to spend his money.

Now that you are both receiving your personal pensions before retirement age, does this mean you wouldn't get any of his pension in a divorce ?

I imagine they’re just jealous, but would probably never admit it.

A bit like those people who say inheritance tax should be 100%, because it’s not fair on those who won’t get any - I always assume they’ll be among the non inheritors.

does it reduce their hunger to achieve would be my yardstick?

if not, keep helping as it’s lovely.

If so, I’m afraid they need to do more.

That’s a familiar story, @Femalefootyfan1 . It’s jam tomorrow for you and him, being ‘careful’ and ‘sensible’ and feeling rationed. It’s ’have this dear’ for the DC. Do they live a less frugal lifestyle than you and DH?

💐
My situation is a bit different, but I feel your pain!

This is exactly what my parents do, though I get the full amount every year as I don't have any siblings.

Same here.

Not every month, no. But she did alternate between me and my brother by giving away £3k per year as part of her IHT planning.

I don’t think the amounts my parents sometimes gave me would ever be described as “pocket money”!!

But I don't understand your issue with it?

My point is in my original post.

Every month?

And why not?
my dm used to give me money for a meal on holiday and I was in my fifties!

OP, your latest update just makes me feel sad for you. You seem really disconnected from your family.

Wow! I got precisely nothing from anyone but have managed to give each of them £20k but that's all. I live on a pension now so there's no more in the bank. Does giving them everything disenfranchise them?