AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

Freeme31
Your arrogance is unbelievable EVERYONE else is wrong and you are right. Because you couldn't as an adult not drop your knickers for this wonderful married man you met. Get real OP the guilt, shame must eat away at you no one can be this arrogant. Btw a mistake is “a one off thing” choosing to sleep with a married man, knowing hes married on multiple occasions really just makes you a !!!! Your poor children when they find out but your answer will be “but mummy is not like that now so it’s ok” and as for daddy well who knows. Stop showing off and boring everyone with your i was just young excuses, i think more people who respect you if you were able to show some remorse, contrition instead of weak excuses

the op could have been extremely mean back to all the people who are making her the whipping post for everyone who’s ever had an affair. There’s no need for everyone to stick their boot in so much

Well, none of us can be absolutely certain at any time. All we can do is go on what we've got and the trust we've built.

Personally I get the impression that OP is about as sure as any of us can be, really. She's acknowledged that he might cheat, as anyone potentially could; actually she seems more open to the possibility that he'll cheat again than that she will. But after 15 years and four kids, I think she's reasonable in feeling that she trusts him and will continue to trust him until there's some reason not to. Neither of them is a serial adulterer and their situation is the one that, from what I've seen, has the best chance of working out; they already knew each other prior to it all and they were individually unhappy in their marriages already.

Love your first sentence! Quite.

And totally agree with the second sentence. Of course the relationship can work - all sorts of relationships work - but I would have neither trust nor respect for a man like this.

I guess the problem is the guilt about how his wife was feeling, and what she was doing while you were doing what you were doing. She was probably in misery wondering where her DH was while you were having your fun. And how do you ever know what he is doing behind your back, of course if you are the much younger second wife he might not do it again.

Sure it’s a long term
but to be confident that it’s not “doomed” when you easily have another 50 years until you conk out seems a little… premature

I know affairs, and other stuff, can happen at any stage, but do you really think 15 years isn't a long term relationship? Most people have been together for less time than that when they get married and presumably most of them expect the marriage to last.

At 31, he was comfortable an adult

Have you never read all the threads about people not being fully adult until at least 25?

I was still at uni until 23. I did a lot of stupid shit in my 20s. I wasn't married, but I bed hopped, drank too much, experimented with illegal substances, had two boyfriends at the same time etc. None of that defines who I am now and how I behave or treat others in my 50s.

"I admit I don't know why you want to pretend that you've no idea what people want when they hammer the OP about how evil and shitty she is and how she'll definitely get cheated on and cosmic justice and all the rest of it"

I have never said any of those things at all, so please don't put words in my mouth.

I don't know why you are making such nasty posts It seems you want to vent your spleen in my direction and I can't see why. I can only conclude you have an issue with all this but that isn't my problem.

"But I also don't much care, and it's not my thread." So why the vitriolic reactions? It makes no sense.

My uncle had an affair and left his wife of 15 years and 4 children. He married the women he was having an affair with l, had two more children with her and they’ve been together for 30 years now. It was all very awkward at the time but everyone has moved on now. (Well they did about 25 years ago).

So I wouldn’t start a thread after a mere 15 years together indicating that I thought my marriage would definitely last until one of died

You used the word 'eventually' there. Looks like you've answered your own question.

I made a mistake, their father made a mistake. I don’t think mistakes sum up who are forever but that’s just my view on things.

here we go again though. A mistake? But you clearly don’t think it was a mistake at all. A mistake would be that you got together and then it went down the toilet

As will you. No one can be 100% sure their spouse won't cheat until after that person is dead.

I'm friends with an elderly couple who recently celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. When they first met, he was married to someone else and not happy in the marriage.
When he told her he was seeing someone else, his wife divorced him and apparently his parents took his wife's side and said his new girlfriend wouldn't last!

No. I don't know how to answer such a disingenuous question, with such an obvious answer, without being patronising. Just like I couldn't avoid being patronising if you asked me what 2 plus 2 is. It's actually more respectful to you, I think, to respond directly and address the fact that we all know the question is disingenuous and the answer is not, in fact, beyond your understanding.

I admit I don't know why you want to pretend that you've no idea what people want when they hammer the OP about how evil and shitty she is and how she'll definitely get cheated on and cosmic justice and all the rest of it. But I also don't much care, and it's not my thread.

I'll just repeat that it's obvious these people aren't going to get what they want from her, so in my view they should stop trying because it's a total waste of time.

Yes, it is a serious question.

She claimed that he was "not so nice" and that's a character trait that would eventually have become apparent.

People get divorced for all sorts of reasons that are not based on character flaws eg in-laws interfering, problems with children, money problems such as redundancy, chronic illness, becoming disabled, responsibilities with elderly parents etc.

I think I would always be wondering: he deceived and betrayed his first wife so how sure can I be that he wouldn’t do it to me too, if temptation came his way?

Really? This is a serious question?

Do you ask that of the 50% of married couples who end up divorcing? How did they not just SEE it wasn't going to work out before they got married? Would have saved everyone lot of bother.

"This is a disingenuous question"

Why ?

"On the off chance that it's sincere (it's not), don't worry your head about it."

Are you unable to answer the question without being patronising?

You think we want some kind of sign the op feels contrite or guilty? Nah! I am a bit surprised how the op doesn’t seem to give a hoot about whether or not he cheats or even whether they got together

This is a disingenuous question and I don't believe that you don't know the answer. Honestly, truly don't know why you're going all wide eyed about it but I suspect I shouldn't indulge it. On the off chance that it's sincere (it's not), don't worry your head about it.

Well really you’ll have to wait until it falls down dead

My stance isnt arrogant, just realistic.

I'm sure if you asked the majority of people who have had an affair / punched someone in the heat of the moment / done even darker things that we know have happened throughout history - they'd have said the exact same self-congratulatory garbage you are. You know before they did it. That they never would, how could you even say such a thing!

You, like most people, will likely never find yourself in a set of circumstances where you find out - but that's an entirely different issue. You will in all probability go to your grave thinking you remained a fundamentally better human being so you can rest easy, don't fret any more.