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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

489 replies

LivelyHazel · 26/07/2026 14:11

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

OP posts:
Solliti · 26/07/2026 21:19

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 21:08

Did I say that?

Ah, good - best to be honest with yourself.

sittingonabeach · 26/07/2026 21:12

@LivelyHazel do you hope that your DC will be much nicer people at 25 than you were?

ThatCyanCat · 26/07/2026 21:09

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 21:08

A little later than 15 years in 😆

How many years in? They've already beaten the average for a UK opposite sex marriage that ends in divorce.

It's a genuine question. If 15 years and four kids is too soon, when will it be?

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 21:08

Solliti · 26/07/2026 21:08

Isn't it a bit premature for you to say you won't have an affair?

Did I say that?

Solliti · 26/07/2026 21:08

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 21:05

To start a thread about it? After 15 years together and only 40 years old. Well, strikes me as somewhat premature.

Not you

and that’s cool

Isn't it a bit premature for you to say you won't have an affair?

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 21:08

ThatCyanCat · 26/07/2026 21:06

You just keep saying the same thing over and over.

At what point will it no longer be premature for her to say she's as sure as anyone can be in their marriage?

A little later than 15 years in 😆

ThatCyanCat · 26/07/2026 21:06

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 21:05

To start a thread about it? After 15 years together and only 40 years old. Well, strikes me as somewhat premature.

Not you

and that’s cool

You just keep saying the same thing over and over.

At what point will it no longer be premature for her to say she's as sure as anyone can be in their marriage?

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 21:05

ThatCyanCat · 26/07/2026 21:04

It's premature to say anything for certain about any marriage when both people are still alive and physically capable of an affair, or anything else that could end it.

If her marriage ends tomorrow it'll have lasted longer than a lot of others. A quick Google says that in the UK, the average heterosexual marriage that ends in divorce lasts 12.7 years.

Of course she can't absolutely know, nobody can. At what point is it no longer premature to say she's as sure as anyone can be?

To start a thread about it? After 15 years together and only 40 years old. Well, strikes me as somewhat premature.

Not you

and that’s cool

ThatCyanCat · 26/07/2026 21:04

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 20:40

To start a thread based on the view that your marriage wasn’t doomed despite the way it started - after 15 years and aged only 40 is… premature 🤷‍♀️

It's premature to say anything for certain about any marriage when both people are still alive and physically capable of an affair, or anything else that could end it.

If her marriage ends tomorrow it'll have lasted longer than a lot of others. A quick Google says that in the UK, the average heterosexual marriage that ends in divorce lasts 12.7 years.

Of course she can't absolutely know, nobody can. At what point is it no longer premature to say she's as sure as anyone can be?

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 21:04

LivelyHazel · 26/07/2026 20:42

There is so much vitriol why is everyone taking my personal experience to be fact it’s all subjective. I’m not here to say that affairs are a good thing at all. I think people want me to feel guilty it’s been such a long time now. I understand why it’s a tricky topic but damn. No children were involved I think even 25 year old me would have probably made better decisions if he had children. I love my husband I don’t see him a serial cheater, we clicked and go on quite well he decided to leave his then wife to properly get to know me. We shouldn’t have had an affair he should have left his marriage sooner there’s so many things we could have done better. I did not come here to say we were good people back then but I believe people change I’m happy in my marriage I’m not necessarily proud of how things came about but I love him very much and never doubted his love for me we have 4 amazing boys I am glad I met my husband I’m happy with the life we have.

“Vitriol” oh calm down. That’s the most impassioned you’ve been the entire thread though. With regard to your husband… well, singularly impassioned!

Sinkysocks · 26/07/2026 20:58

There’s a big difference between an exit affair that happens once and results in a long term marriage and someone who has serial affairs and is just completely unstable. I’ve seen a few exit affairs turn into very stable love relationships. People mature at different rates and there are casualties but it’s too simple to say those people are ‘doomed’.

ZedNotZee54321 · 26/07/2026 20:57

LivelyHazel · 26/07/2026 20:42

There is so much vitriol why is everyone taking my personal experience to be fact it’s all subjective. I’m not here to say that affairs are a good thing at all. I think people want me to feel guilty it’s been such a long time now. I understand why it’s a tricky topic but damn. No children were involved I think even 25 year old me would have probably made better decisions if he had children. I love my husband I don’t see him a serial cheater, we clicked and go on quite well he decided to leave his then wife to properly get to know me. We shouldn’t have had an affair he should have left his marriage sooner there’s so many things we could have done better. I did not come here to say we were good people back then but I believe people change I’m happy in my marriage I’m not necessarily proud of how things came about but I love him very much and never doubted his love for me we have 4 amazing boys I am glad I met my husband I’m happy with the life we have.

You posted wanting people's opinions, and when you get them you complain? Nor everyone is going to agree with you, or see things your way. You claim to be content with your current situation, so why should the opinions of others concern you? Clearly it didnt when you met your now husband 😒

Allmarbleslost · 26/07/2026 20:55

I don't understand how you can trust him. He showed himself to be untrustworthy before you even got together 🤷‍♀️

sittingonabeach · 26/07/2026 20:53

LivelyHazel · 26/07/2026 20:45

Yeah we’ve told them exactly that

Bet they are proud, or have you glossed over the truth

IStayed · 26/07/2026 20:52

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 20:46

Come again?

Nah, I'm all right, thanks. You can read back for yourself.

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 20:46

IStayed · 26/07/2026 20:42

The OP was 25. It is not that hard to follow.
🤦‍♀️

Come again?

LivelyHazel · 26/07/2026 20:45

sittingonabeach · 26/07/2026 20:43

What do you tell your DC when they ask how you met? Do you tell them that you treated his first wife like a piece of shit, and if you had your time again you would do the same, rather than wait for him to leave his wife

Yeah we’ve told them exactly that

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 26/07/2026 20:43

What do you tell your DC when they ask how you met? Do you tell them that you treated his first wife like a piece of shit, and if you had your time again you would do the same, rather than wait for him to leave his wife

LivelyHazel · 26/07/2026 20:43

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 20:40

To start a thread based on the view that your marriage wasn’t doomed despite the way it started - after 15 years and aged only 40 is… premature 🤷‍♀️

I’ll give it another 20 years then. Maybe it’s doomed to fail I don’t know I’ll cherish the years we’ve had nothing else I can do about it

OP posts:
IStayed · 26/07/2026 20:42

Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 20:19

At 31, he was comfortable an adult

The OP was 25. It is not that hard to follow.
🤦‍♀️

LivelyHazel · 26/07/2026 20:42

There is so much vitriol why is everyone taking my personal experience to be fact it’s all subjective. I’m not here to say that affairs are a good thing at all. I think people want me to feel guilty it’s been such a long time now. I understand why it’s a tricky topic but damn. No children were involved I think even 25 year old me would have probably made better decisions if he had children. I love my husband I don’t see him a serial cheater, we clicked and go on quite well he decided to leave his then wife to properly get to know me. We shouldn’t have had an affair he should have left his marriage sooner there’s so many things we could have done better. I did not come here to say we were good people back then but I believe people change I’m happy in my marriage I’m not necessarily proud of how things came about but I love him very much and never doubted his love for me we have 4 amazing boys I am glad I met my husband I’m happy with the life we have.

OP posts:
Weekendnaughtiness · 26/07/2026 20:40

ThatCyanCat · 26/07/2026 20:27

Well, none of us can be absolutely certain at any time. All we can do is go on what we've got and the trust we've built.

Personally I get the impression that OP is about as sure as any of us can be, really. She's acknowledged that he might cheat, as anyone potentially could; actually she seems more open to the possibility that he'll cheat again than that she will. But after 15 years and four kids, I think she's reasonable in feeling that she trusts him and will continue to trust him until there's some reason not to. Neither of them is a serial adulterer and their situation is the one that, from what I've seen, has the best chance of working out; they already knew each other prior to it all and they were individually unhappy in their marriages already.

To start a thread based on the view that your marriage wasn’t doomed despite the way it started - after 15 years and aged only 40 is… premature 🤷‍♀️

Littlepurpleridinghood · 26/07/2026 20:37

@Morepositivemum "There’s no need for everyone to stick their boot in so much"

I think I recall the OP saying that "she wanted to hear peoples' opinions". So people have given her what she wanted.

Personally I can't see a problem.

LivelyHazel · 26/07/2026 20:35

chirrupybird · 26/07/2026 20:33

I saw a lot of second wife relationships at my DD's private school. I was an older mum and was initially surprised to see so many young women with much older husbands, the husbands having a second family. I never asked how it had come about, but I assume many started from affairs, the men were obviously in very good jobs or wealthy. I sometimes wonder where they all are now when the men must now be very elderly.

I personally don’t think our age gap is really that big of an age gap. He’s 46 I am 40 we will be elderly roughly around the same time.

OP posts:
chirrupybird · 26/07/2026 20:33

I saw a lot of second wife relationships at my DD's private school. I was an older mum and was initially surprised to see so many young women with much older husbands, the husbands having a second family. I never asked how it had come about, but I assume many started from affairs, the men were obviously in very good jobs or wealthy. I sometimes wonder where they all are now when the men must now be very elderly.