AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

People meet in all sorts of situations and given that most people are partnered at any one time of course some of them will be taken when that happens. I know of several very long term couples where the affair became their forever partner. I don't judge because it's none of my business. But to answer your actual question, no I do not think all affairs are doomed and in fact at least in my own small sample pool, they often become long term.

I know my NDN got divorced in 2024 and married her current husband in 2025. Obviously desperate to move on ASAP and not be living in sin (since 2020 when they got together whenshe was still married to someone else with a 4yo, 6yo and 8yo). Who's got time to play away with three young DC?

Well you are proof that it can work. What you can’t measure is the hurt caused to his wife.

A post like yours, OP, brings on the Mumsnet sharks. They smell blood in the water. They can’t tolerate you saying you have a happy life. They believe you should be denied that. Moreover, they believe you must express opera level regret, remorse, shame, and guilt. But if you sincerely expressed those feelings, (which you haven’t because you don’t feel them) they’d probably not believe you. You will never achieve any level of redemption from them. Posters who had unfaithful partners and suffered betrayal and trauma cannot be expected to not find your post triggering. It opens wounds. You can’t blame them for their anger and heated responses. So, just a few things to keep in mind.

She said that she likes the way her life turned out and that they’re happy. And that she wouldn’t change anything.Seems enthusiastic enough.

Yes it seems some affairs do work out. I’m genuinely interested though - do you/others in same situation think about the damage you caused/left behind by your choices? Do you feel justified because you have a good life together? Do you ever feel guilty or does it bother you? How do you feel when you think about the spouse that was cheated on or the children involved? Does it bother you at all that the lives of others have been smashed or diminished or is it a case of winner takes all? Genuinely interested to know.

What do you want from this post? You seem happy with your life and life decisions - have you come to gloat that - having an affair worked out well for you? Do you know how many women on MN have been cheated on by men like your husband? What’s wrong with you - read the room. You’re happy. We get it. Hooray for you - poster woman for affairs. What do you want us to say?

Sometimes it can work out. He did sleep with you very quick so I doubt he has much restraint, you are both busy raising four children now, who knows what the future holds. I couldn’t trust a man who was married and so quick to cheat, it wasn’t like he fell in love immediately, he was happy to have a fling. If anything children put a strain on relationships.

Of course some affairs work out. I do find that the majority of them tend to gloss over the start or romanticise it, as if someone else’s pain was just the price that needed to be paid for their great happiness.

My brother has been married to his AP for 20 years. On the surface it looks like a happy ending for them, although I know that the relationship he has ended up in (controlling, lots of debt, lots of kids) is not the one he thought he was signing up for (free and easy, financially comfortable, no more kids). And then there’s the previous wife of ten years and the toddler and newborn that he walked out on. Their lives didn’t change for the better.

I don't think it's about fellow womanhood, just general human decency.

I imagine generally people are negative towards OPs on threads like this because affairs frequently cause a great deal of long-lasting pain and harm, often affect children very adversely, and generally are an unethical, unnecessary thing to do.

If someone came on Mumsnet and said they had defrauded a friend out of a large sum of money many years ago when they were in their mid-20s and 'delusional', but thanks to that money they're now rich and living happily and wouldn't change a thing - and it's okay, because their ex-friend eventually recouped the loss, and is now happily financially secure - I doubt they'd get a very warm reception!!

This is no different, in principle.

No, it depends on the people. Many people on Mumsnet would prefer that relationships that begin this way will fail. They have their reasons. But it varies. One could just as easily say all marriages that began right after graduation from uni are doomed because the couple are too young and don’t know anything about life. Once again, some of those marriages last and some don’t. Same with couples who come from different cultural and/or religious backgrounds. It’s honestly a bit of a mystery. And also honestly, it’s no one else’s business.

‘Fellow womanhood’ 😂

Why do threads like these make people so cross?

I think context is everything. If you were in a miserable marriage and you were being controlled and you met someone lovely who cared about you and you therefore started having an affair , that' s forgivable and very different from being a person who is looking for a bit of fun on the side and deceives and lies to an innocent partner. Both scenarios could be labelled ' affair' but one is ok and the other isnt imo. Affairs are mostly bad but not in every case.

Shame on you and shame on your husband. Knowingly having an affair with a married man. No respect for your fellow womanhood. Shame on you

how do you know they haven’t or won’t cheat again as they show they are capable, all this circumstances etc , they can happen again, anyone could cheat granted even those who never have, but higher chance if someone has done it once. Also it is a relationship built on someone elses hurt, I guess how they handle that would also show what kind of person they are. But I am biased as been cheated on after 27 years and its devastating and not something I will recover from easily.

Let’s hope so!

I suspect that, because of the way the marriage started, for you it will always be too premature tp feel confident in it, and even after one or both of them are dead you'll still be saying we don't know they were both faithful or whether the marriage was truly happy, it was probably a secret shitshow even if nobody knew.

Is there something in the water down your way?

Every woman I know who married an older man is now a widow.
One woman married a chap 20 years older and he died at 60 leaving her with two teenage girls.

Every woman i know who married an older man has since left him. And ive met a few. The man gets a bit long in the tooth and a bit more needy and the woman is off. So much for love.

@LivelyHazel people will fall over themselves trying to tell you that your relationship is doomed, that your husband will absolutely and most definitely cheat on you.. and that a 15 year relationship ‘isn’t long’.

in other words.. there is no world in which your relationship can be successful and healthy.

Od course not all marriages after affair are doomed.. my friend is 24 years into a marriage that started with and affair. She’s never worried about him having an affair as a) he adores her and b) they both said the deceit was too difficult.

Sounds like you have gone on to have a good relationship. Long may it continue.

So what did the husband work so hard at? Or the other woman? What did she work hard at doing? (Aside from another woman's husband) It sounds as though they got what they wanted, and the wife (regardless of the degree of her attachment, I'm sure she didn't appreciate her husband having sex with someone else behind her back, before leaving her for them) was the one who would have to squash her own feelings on the matter in order to protect the children from her husband's wrongdoing.

You can't successfully argue that the perpetrators of a betrayal (because regardless of degree of love, it was a betrayal of their marriage) worked 'just as hard' as the party they wronged and humiliated. That's laughable.

I think it’s fairly normal to reflect on your choices you made when much younger. Here probably isn’t the best place. If you need to process it then therapy might be a good idea.

Did OP say that?

Genuine answer… don’t know 🤷‍♀️

and now I want to watch last episode of Alice and Steve so I will have to put all thoughts of this sadly aside 😊

Well I can’t say for sure. I don’t think so but who knows. Too premature for me to start a thread about how I’m sure I never would though!