AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

Yup.
Here we have a man who can't take responsibility for his own actions and has to have a co-conspirator to share the blame.

These men are no "catch" they are just weak and pathetic.

My exH took his OW to a hotel on the pretence of going away to see a football match. When I found out and asked him why he did it and spent our money on this trip he said "She said we needed to get away from it all".

I was dumbfounded.

If it did happen, your husband sounds like an utter prick

It's just a risk isn't it. You already know he's a proven liar and a cheat so as others have said when he's bored or 'unhappy' he may well do it again. Probably already has.

What a complete twat he was

to you and his wife

shudder

It makes no difference to me if you do or you don’t, it happened. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s exactly what happened, but as I indicated above I think he was looking for a reason to make the break, and that was enough of a reason for him. We both knew when we hugged that day that something had changed and there were strong feelings there. Every other time we’d hugged goodbye it had just been a friendly hug but it was very different.

The next time I saw him he told me he’d gone home and told his wife that he’d fallen for me, and left. He wanted to be with me. I was actually really pissed off that he’d put me in the middle of all this drama even though I had strong feelings for him too.

what a complete a total prick
to both his wife and the OW

You expect us to believe this?

Pretty much, yes. In reality they’d been having trouble for a long time and had been having couples’ counselling etc, so it wasn’t like a bolt from the blue. I’m sure he saw it as being honest and honourable but it was quite brutal.

I think men usually don’t leave unless they’ve got a replacement lined up. I didn’t want to be that replacement and made sure he was able to be by himself before anything happened between us. Being truly honest, if it hadn’t worked out between us I didn’t want to be stuck with him out of guilt. Luckily it did work out eventually!

No morals at 25 is worrying. Your parents must’ve failed. At 25 you’re an adult, you knew right from wrong. It’s an excuse sorry

@OtterlyAstounding "So your male friend hugged you, you both (I assume?) wordlessly indicated you felt chemistry, and then without even speaking to you, he went straight home and told his wife he'd fallen for you, so was leaving her?"

Can someone pass me the salt-cellar please, I need a pinch of it !

@ThatCyanCat having your right to informed sexual consent removed and put at risk of STIs is a trauma in itself! You would avoid this. I was triggered for a very long time by stupid moments that reminded me of when I was shopping for treats for him while he was ‘working late’ and then finding out what ‘working late’ entailed and then the realisation of all the times we’d had sex when he’d been near her during the day. It matters. Believe you and me. Sexual betrayal trauma is very real for those who have experienced it.

I think a lot of it depends on were you with them wrong person so you had an affair vs are you just the sort of person who cheats. Apparently about 50% cheat at some point, but I'm guessing most aren't the type to have endless affairs. So I don't think people should do it, but it does definitely work out sometimes. Even the argument that you cause hurt to the cheated on partner, if you leave them without cheating that can also cause a huge amount of hurt. So while I don't think people should cheat, I basically acknowledge that life is complicated and messy.

I've often thought this. MN is very much "it's totally fine if you just end your marriage first". But if my husband tells me today that he's fallen in love with someone else and he's leaving, and I suffer everything that follows from that, I can't see how I'd feel any better if he waited until after that conversation to sleep with her. What would the actual difference be?

So your male friend hugged you, you both (I assume?) wordlessly indicated you felt chemistry, and then without even speaking to you, he went straight home and told his wife he'd fallen for you, so was leaving her?

I mean, you're not at fault here, but I'm amazed you ever gave him a chance after he deliberately threw you under the bus in order to try to make you the one to blame for him leaving his wife, and also made it seem very suspicious, as though you'd been having an affair. What a dick move.

If someone cheated WITH you how can you be sure they wont cheat ON you, after all they've done it before!

Personally i value trust and openness the most in a relationship so it wouldnt work for me. If others have fair enough, the years together dont lie I guess, but I cant help wondering if they really can ever fully trust each other deep down

As an issue I wonder how many times the OW has started a thread that she was devastated when her man cheated again, I remember Anthea Turner being heart broken when she was cheated on by her ex Grant for example. The trouble seems to be it is a case of Once a cheater he will be more likelier to cheat again..

People will often say “If you’re unhappy you should just leave rather than have an affair” but to be honest, it makes zero difference.

I met DH at work and we became friends. He was married and I was single. And we were genuinely just friends, he was never flirty and I didn’t fancy him. But our friendship grew closer over time and one day we hugged and I knew something had changed, even though it would have just looked like a quick innocent hug to anyone else.

The next time I saw him he told me he’d gone home and told his wife that he’d fallen for me, and left. He wanted to be with me. I was actually really pissed off that he’d put me in the middle of all this drama even though I had strong feelings for him too. Absolutely nothing sexual had happened between us at this point.

I told him that if his marriage was definitely over, then leaving his wife was the right thing but he shouldn’t do it for me because I couldn’t give him any guarantees. But if he was in any doubt, he should try and work on his marriage and forget about me. He saw a therapist and got together as a couple a few months later.

We’ve been married for 20 years, but I’ve still always been labelled as the OW and his exW understandably hates me. I don’t think people are any more forgiving even when there technically hasn’t been an ‘affair’.

This. It’s such a bizarre post. And then the op being incredulous when her position is challenged.

Fancy being asked to consider any damage or pain she might have caused others. Oh but this happened TO her. She was passive. 🙄

Glad you’re happy op but really, do try to understand that your experience and life joy isn’t the only perspective.

@Annoyingsib "Of course some affairs work out. I do find that the majority of them tend to gloss over the start or romanticise it, as if someone else’s pain was just the price that needed to be paid for their great happiness."

^ I've seen a lot of this.

Basically it's a lack of empathy, coupled with entitlement issues.

Also it depends what your measurement of success is, when you say "work out". Longevity of a relationship is not a measure of happiness IMO.

I REALLY don’t get these posts. Of COURSE some relationships that start as affairs are successful! I have one within my own extended family that I could pull out to justify this viewpoint.

But the simple fact of the matter is that research shows it’s highly unlikely to be successful after 5 years. The statistics are dire. And are easily found with a search, added to that the fact that if you’ve cheated your 3-4 times more likely to cheat in a subsequent relationship than someone who hasn’t and you can kind of see why.

It works for some couples. It doesn’t for the VAST majority. With those odds I’d stay away from married men, if looking for a life partner if you’re a pragmatic. If you have a moral compass I wouldn’t involve myself in the abuse of another woman.

My mum was the OW (obviously my parents didn’t tell us that way but we have half siblings from his first family so we connected the dots). Happily married for 40+ years.

I find it mind boggling. The foundation of the relationship is based on infidelity.
From the minute it starts a fundamental boundary is already blurred because you know that person is happy to cross that line.
I imagine one or both people must permanently be looking over their shoulder especially after the honeymoon period.

I read an article recently about millenials being in unhappy marriages but being unable to afford to split up. I feel as though it will become more common due to the cost of housing the couple separately and logistics around kids. That some people who know their marriage is dead will have an affair and keep it quiet until they have a solid new relationship to jump to. Not very ethical but I can see how it happens.

As to whether these new relationships endure, I don’t think any of us have a true and complete picture, because a lot of relationships probably have overlaps that people simply keep quiet about because of the judgement.

When it’s been people I know well, when I found out after the fact, they were deeply unhappy in their marriage for years, and the new couplings lasted, until old age and death in one case.

In France affairs seem more socially acceptable and I wonder why that is. Is anyone French who can comment on the thread?

I know it's controversial but I very much agree. A good friend of mine was in this exact situation. I was ecstatic when I heard she had met someone else and that person did help her escape and I really believe saved her life. This is why I don't like to judge other people's life choices especially if I don't know them very well.