AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

I don't think that's true. My Mum cheated on her ex because she was endangered by him, abused by him and he was a rubbish partner/father. She hasn't cheated on my Dad.

If you cheat because you are deeply unhappy or in an abusive relationship, it doesn't mean you'll cheat once you're in a happy one.

I think you’re either a person who’s willing to cheat on a partner, or you’re not.

My brother cheated on his first partner at least once - and guess what? He’s cheated on his current long-term partner who was the OW. I know because I saw him with another woman several years ago. I never said anything and they are still together.

I’m guessing it’s not the first time he’s cheated on her, but I don’t have any sympathy because she cheated with him in the first place.

I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat. Sometimes people marry the wrong person. No one who is happily married has an affair.

I see this point, but I don't know how much difference it would make if my husband reassured me they'd used condoms, had checks, done other stuff but stopped short of things that could transmit disease and so on. It's good not to have to worry about that, definitely, but if he's still out of love with me, leaving for someone else and I and our children have to go through all the consequences of that... it's good not to have that added burden, yes, but I'd still have everything else and I don't know if I'd be thinking how wonderful it was that he was only going to start full shagging now.

I just hope I never find out.

It's possible for it to end well. Sometimes an affair begins because the two parties feel like they found the one, and they're so thrilled to be together. The deception was out of character and not their usual way of doing things. It works out.

I think it's quite rare though. To be capable of having an affair you need to be capable of a certain level of deceit towards people you love or care about or have made a commitment to. I don't so much think it's as concerning if someone cheats and immediately confesses. The cheating isn't great, but there isn't deceit involved by lying to the partner for a period of time. They did it and then lived with the consequences. At least the betrayed partner knows what their relationship is, truly.

That kind of deceit needed to sustain an affair is a character trait that shows up in other ways. If you're capable of doing it once, it's in you to do it again. Clearly infidelity isn't a red line you would never cross. It's tolerable to you if it benefits you.

Ultimately if a relationship starts with lies then it's likely to involve them too, down the line... once a cheater always a cheater. It's a bed of sand to build a life on. But people do it all the time. Of course it may look like a happy marriage from the outside but only the individual knows whether they have been unfaithful or not, and there are many ways to cheat. You may think it's all worked out beautifully because you have no idea you've been cheated on. Maybe though if you were okay with the deceit to begin with it isn't that big a deal. Lie with dogs, get fleas.

I think the difference is that you have informed consent about your sexual health. If you are in a non-monogamous relationship unknowingly, your right to choose whether to engage in sex on that basis is removed.

Exactly the same situation here! My stepmum was my Mum’s close friend and a neighbour. It was hideous at the time and they always lied about how they got together, even to her kids. However, they were absolutely devoted to one another and a perfect match for over 30 years. My parents’ marriage was awful, they were not suited at all but my Mum was devastated all the same. I struggled with my Dad’s behaviour and the lies, especially at the time.

He sounds utterly unhinged, honestly. And he really screwed you over by giving his wife reason to think you were having an affair. But if you've been married for 20 years, I suppose he must have some good points!

My parents met when my Mother was married (to an abusive arsehole but married nonetheless). They got married when she was pregnant with me and are still married. I am 44.

Ah well,
It seems the subtle nuances of English Lit doesn't float your boat.

Almost as bizarre as going on to marry him

Fact is after one hug

the next time you saw him, he bowled up to and told you I’ve finished with my wife because of you.

And you were very pissed off

so it is is bizarre you’re trying to convince us this man is anything other than vile

He didn't cheat on her no, and nor she on him...

The narrative isn't being proven I'm afraid.

You’re really making stuff up now. I never said either of us thought it was destiny or soul mates or anything like that. We just realised that we were attracted to each other, and the feelings were deeper than just good mates.

They might have been together 41yrs later but I'd bet a tenner one or both will have cheated again. The first time cheats maybe leave marriages and set up new homes etc, then they learn how to have their cake and eat it. It's a mindset, feel bored so seek a thrill. They just get better at the lies.

In sn earlier post you said 'all men are the same'. They aren't. A leopard doesn't change its spots.
I think you are very naive if you think he doesn't shag around behind your back when temptation and opportunity presents itself.

@Freshfromthefight "We both knew when we hugged that day that something had changed and there were strong feelings there."

Or alternatively "We realised there was something big and meaningful developing between us "
Or "We knew at that moment we were twin souls that should never be parted and we set about shaping our mutual destiny"
Or "He realised that ours was an unspoken love that should not be denied and he decided to make it a reality"

Listen up OP, Mills & Boon are looking for writers for their mushy crappy romances novels, have you thought of applying ?

I’m not defending him, but it was more “We’ve given this our best shot and it’s not working. I’m really sorry but I’ve developed feelings for someone else and it’s shown me that it’s definitely over between us” rather than “I’m leaving you for a mate I’ve never even kissed and it’s her fault”.

He left his wife because of a hug with you.

This made me laugh.

And you married him.

What if he hugs someone else? 😂

They've been together so long that I actually forgot about them until just now, but a friend's mother started sleeping with her now husband (he was a widower) before she officially ended her marriage, which was absolutely moribund and had been for years. They've now been married to each other for longer than her first marriage (I don't like to compare to his because they were very happy and everyone expects they'd still be married if she'd lived).

They are awful parents and really selfish and unlikeable people; only one of their five combined kids (they have none together) still speaks to them. In that sense, they're rather suited. The adult kids don't resent them for the affair, but there's plenty of other stuff.

I have a friend who married her affair partner and they’ve had a happy relationship for years.

My mother had an affair with a married man - my 'I'm so much better than everyone else' mother - he left his wife and they were together until he died 41 years later.

I agree with the OP - it is not ideal, but sometimes young couples are not suited, but then their life choices make them stuck.

I have found that most wrong situations have a way of not working out.

"But that’s proving my point." No it isn't.

"People say if you’re unhappy you should leave the marriage before starting a new relationship."
Yes, but you should own your own shit and not make someone else the excuse for your choices.

"The only way to be ‘honorable’ is to stay in an unhappy marriage" That's pants, and you know it.

He had a hug with you

and the next time he saw you he told you he’d left his wife because of you

You were understandably very pissed off

What a truly gross man 💐

But that’s proving my point. People say if you’re unhappy you should leave the marriage before starting a new relationship. That’s exactly what he did, but it’s just as bad as having an affair.

The only way to be ‘honorable’ is to stay in an unhappy marriage, which isn’t great either.