AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

The trouble is that for some people, cheating becomes an addictive need. A friend of mine who I have known for over twenty years (we worked together and always kept in touch via text and email) has cheated on his wife numerous times over the years! It was like he couldn't help himself! At one point he had a woman living out in Benidorm that he used to visit at night once his wife and kids were asleep in the hotel, i remember him getting panicky because the woman in Benidorm started clingy and ringing him when he was back in the UK. Then at one point he was doing a woman from his work in lay-bys and his wife actually found out and luckily never left him but he was broken man because he never wanted to lose his marriage and he was scared to death she'd leave him. I think he learnt his lesson after that but she still doesn't know how much he's really cheated on here.

So many cheaters. Statistically significant number no doubt.

We met on Tinder and had a one night stand, he fucked off that’s why I’m a single parent.
We met in a bar black out drunk.
Oh yes he was my bffs boyfriend.
He was my bosses bosses boss.

Theres lots of things people don’t tell their kids nor would their kids tell their parents how they meet their boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes less is more.

Confided? They’re numerous friends’ parents and it’s out in the open and common knowledge as they’ve been together for donkeys years.I’m sorry I’ve burst your bubble that cheaters never prosper 🤣

Gosh you seem surprised that at 45 yo I’ve come across other human beings.

Again - nobody can say someone hasn’t cheated in a marriage unless you are literally talking about yourself. You may never know if a partner has cheated let alone what goes on in siblings, parents, friends marriages. Most people don’t tend share that they cheat on the side.

I'm not sure why so many people assumed he was lying to her from the outset. I thought the OP's first post made this really clear.

"I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat" -
Neither do I but I'd sooner not take the chance, thanks.

"Sometimes people marry the wrong person."
I agree. But IMO the sensible and mature way of dealing with that is to acknowledge it and make steps to leave with the least disruption. Having an affair isn't the way to do it.
Having an affair in an attempt to solve marital problems is like fire-bombing your house because the kitchen tap's leaking

"No one who is happily married has an affair."
Untrue.
When I was divorced and dating I came across guys who were looking for some 'extra-curricular entertainment'. These were often contractors who were in my area for not very long. When I challenged them about why they weren't happy and felt the need to cheat, they denied they weren't happy, said they loved their wives, were happy with what they had and just wanted something different. ( ! )

Some even went so far as to say their infidelity made the marriage better.😮

Go figure 🤔

This x 1000 - it needs to be said.

Some STDs cause painful problems in women that don't get picked up as quickly as in a man. They can impact on a women's fertility .

That's why cheating is sexually irresponsible.

Yanbu. My grandparents started as an affair and were happily married for 30years, until he died.

And not just that… all these people have confided in @DoughnutDreamer !

Gosh. You certainly know a lot people who have cheated on their partners. I suppose it’s just the norm.

More than that –

• if your consent to sex with your partner is given in part on the basis that you're both monogamous,
• and your partner knows that you would not consent to have sex with them if they said they were having sex with someone else,
• then they both know you wouldn’t consent, and you're in fact unable to give informed consent,
• so ethically if not legally, any sex your cheating partner has with you, falls somewhere into the realms of rape.

I know quite a few couples whose relationships started as a result of an affair and they’re still happily together now (we’re talking 20-30 years+). Actually thinking about it, I know more affair partners who are happily married to each other than I know of affair partners who got together and then broke up or are miserable together 😬

The OP’s affair worked out for them, but they are still a pair of liars and home wreckers.

I know a couple of cheaters. I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them. You have to be a particular low level of human to inflict that kind of emotional, mental and physical scaring on another person and wreck their lives.

My closest friend and her husband started as an affair (before I knew either of them). They were both married at the time, she had no kids but he had two. Destroyed his relationship with his kids and his ex hates him but they seem very happy and have been together for 20 years. They don’t really like talking about how they got together, I suppose because so many people got hurt by it, but I’ve never judged them for it. They are aware that their actions were not ideal and they could have handled it better but they’re very much in love and I don’t think it makes either of them categorically bad people.

I do wonder sometimes if his kids cutting him off from their lives was ALL about cheating on their mum or if there were other aspects of his parenting / their relationship that led them to that decision, but it’s not really any of my business.

Well as it turned out, no comment was necessary from you either 😂

‘it's good not to have that added burden, yes, but I'd still have everything else and I don't know if I'd be thinking how wonderful it was that he was only going to start full shagging now.’

It’s not just an added burden @ThatCyanCat it’s an additional trauma. And sexual betrayal trauma (it’s not just about STIs it’s removal of your right to informed sexual consent, we now have the language to explain this trauma) alone can cause mental health crisis in the form of anxiety and PTSD style symptoms. It’s why people suffer so badly (even if their spouse does not want to leave or has fallen ‘in love’ with another) after sex worker contact or ONS.

It is worse to find out your husband was sleeping with someone while you were married than if they just chose to leave. Both are painful but one has an additional traumatic layer to heal from.

FWIW I’m years from being cheated on now but even thinking about this is causing me to have a visceral reaction, I actually feel sick writing about it. It is hard to relate to if you’ve never been through it but it is very real.

Why did you have sex with a married man?

Just because you wanted to, I think?

So if your husband had sex with another woman you’d say “fair enough” ?

I've never cheated or to the best of my knowledge been cheated on, but I have divorced after a long marriage.

I always find the point about cheaters lying to someone they love and care about an interesting assumption, because for the last few years of our marriage exh and I didn't love, care for or even particularly like each other. In fact for that time I resented him for " stealing the best years of my life" and saw marriage to him as actively preventing my happiness. I can therefore understand how if the opportunity had arisen for either of us the have an affair, we wouldn't have seen it as a betrayal to a loved one, as we didn't love each other at that point.
The same could be said of the lies told to the ex spouse affecting the future relationship, if the cheating partners were honest with each other they might not see the lies to someone else as a reason to distrust each other.

I'm old enough to know quite a few people who started out as affairs and in my experience a lot end in the first few years, but the ones that last 5+ years don't "fail" anymore often that any other relationships.

Yes, people who have cheated are more likely to do so again, however the figures are though to be around 40-45%, which isn't actually that much higher than the rates for the general population.

Okay, keep your hair on. No comment from you was necessary.