AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

It isn’t always obvious!!!!!!

Hi ‘real’ family? That made me laugh.

You don’t have to stay with the wrong person just because you met them first! I don’t condone lying and having affairs but it’s ok to split up if a relationship is not working.

This thread is hilarious, people have affairs all the time, 15 years later OP is happily married. Im.sure her husband and his ex wife wouldnt have stayed together anyway.
I mean over 40% marriages end in divorce anyway.
Glad you happy OP

Love a bit of karma.

I don't think the person who's not in a relationship is the cheat. OP was single. Her now DH was married and made vows to someone else.

I do wonder how many people here (not just this thread but MN in general) banging on about karma actually believe in it and the belief systems it's part of. Although I saw the most shocking invocation of it a few weeks ago, one that actually shook my faith in humanity (which was on shaky ground to begin with.) I reported it (hopefully I wasn't the only one) and it got deleted (thankfully.)

This is very common IMO. Men don't voice their dissatisfaction until Luscious Lil (10 years younger with legs up to her neck) comes along.
Then they start re-writing history and it's selective memory in action.

My exH told me"You were too independent, I couldn't do anything for you" - This was the man who couldn't work the washing machine or take a dirty coffee cup out and put it in the sink.

"I didn't get enough affection" This was the man who pushed me away at night when I tried to cuddle up.

etc.etc. When you've got someone who's only on a nodding relationship with the truth, you can't win.

My mum had an affair with a colleague of her new husband. She left her husband (my biological father) before their first wedding anniversary, whilst pregnant with my sister. She and the affair partner married as soon as her divorce was finalised and he adopted me. They were very happily married until his death 30 years later.

A lot of people can’t stand the idea that karma isn’t a real thing. Good people can do bad things and carry on with their lives. For that matter, bad people can do bad things and get away with it, sometimes forever.

I wouldn’t worry about it OP. Life is messy. People fuck up. Good things grow out of the mud. It sounds like you have a nice life and a happy family.

What strikes me is that he stuck around with his wife for at least 2 years despite being supposedly very unhappy.

Then he meets someone and decides to make the leap.

Classic spineless cheater. Needed another woman ready and waiting before wrapping it up with current wife

Thing is I don't think a lot of affairs are just a need for something a bit exciting, I think the issues are deeper than that, how many affairs are men who have become fathers and can't.cope with domesticity and a knackered wife! The friend I spoke about in my earlier post who cheated on his wife a number of times is an example of somebody who found himself married and having kids in early adulthood and in much older adulthood is always trying to regress with not just the affairs but guess out drinking like an 18 year old yet is mid 6Os now!

Some years back I reunited with a childhood friend and she had a young son and toddler daughter at that point and the partner kept insisting on going to his work shift earlier than his hours and it turned out he was having an affair with his female boss, their relationship went really bad in the end because at one point he even wanted to leave her with the kids to.go and work in Saudi.

Yeah, that occurred to me. Still, I should give the benefit of the doubt.

Deleted with my apologies to this OP - I confused her with someone else. She is not the person I was referring to, unless she name changed but there's nothing to suggest that. Fully withdrawn.

There are various studies @Littlepurpleridinghoodwhich I’m sure you can find but the numbers hold up broadly. You can start here with this high quality peer reviewed American study if you want to go down the data rabbit hole. This found 23% of men overall had been unfaithful in their marriage.

Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., & Jacobson, N. S. (2001). Understanding infidelity: Correlates in a national random sample. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(4), 735–749.

@Buggeroffboss There's nothing wrong with temptation and I understand sexual temptation. It's the giving in that's wrong,

"I do sometimes wish I could have sex with someone else (not a specific person) as I quite like that first flush feeling"

Every time I see Viktor Orban on the TV I start thinking impure thoughts. I certainly have enough money for a plane ticket to Hungary., but I suspect there would be a lot of problems getting through security.....

@Sinkysocks "I reckon it is worth discussing when you’re talking about 20-25% of all adults."

So who has collated these figures and where have the samples come from ?

@Littlepurpleridinghood I reckon it is worth discussing when you’re talking about 20-25% of all adults. Having more money increases the chance of infidelity. The more opportunity and means people have the less likely they are to be faithful. Just saying ‘be good’ doesn’t seem to be working well.

I think of they feel they wasted their lives then that's very sad for them. I do know of people who have been the side piece in an affair and were happy with the arrangement as they didn't want to settle down and wanted to keep things casual. I do know people like you described. I'm not saying affairs are a good thing, just that they come in many shapes and sizes and some end well and some don't. Someone always gets hurt though.

@Buggeroffboss "I know equal amounts of men and women who have cheated, it's just the men are less quiet about it."

Well, all I know about is many silly women who have had affairs with married men and have wasted their lives hanging around for these pathetic guys to jump one way or another.

They denied themselves a committed relationship and/or marriage and children.

One girl I know had an affair for 25 years (yes you read that right) with a spineless man who said he couldn't leave his wife because he was a Catholic.

Another spent 14 years in such a relationship and then he went on to get divorced and marry someone else.

It isn't always a ticket to happiness, despite what you read on these pages.

I have also cheated in the past, although not on DH. I do sometimes wish I could have sex with someone else (not a specific person) as I quite like that first flush feeling. I love DH though and wouldn't want to hurt him, so I don't.

Yeah I suspect it's much more common than people realise. Most people when asked how they met their partner, don't voluntarily say "well we met at work but we both had long term partners so it was an affair really".

I do know several people who's relationship started as an affair - my old boss had an affair with her now husband for 20 years until he left the wife and married her.

As I said up thread, my maternal grandparents were an affair partner. My paternal great grandmother was the side piece of her partner.

One of my mum friends is now married to the person she has an affair with.

I know equal amounts of men and women who have cheated, it's just the men are less quiet about it.

Oh boy, are we going to have the well-worn "monogamy isn't natural" argument for cheating again?

In today's society there are numerous choices of relationships for consenting adults.
There is monogamy, open marriages (that's an oxymoron to me but I'll put it in for the sake of completeness) open relationships, threesomes, swinging, polyamorous relationships, bisexual relationships, gay, lesbian, and celibate relationships.
If people want they can live in a commune where they can f*ck about all year and then share the kids out at Christmas.

My point is that monogamy isn't compulsory.

If people don't want monogamy then that's fine - but then they shouldn't sign up for it. And they shouldn't lead others on to think they support it.

If people sign up for it then find they can't keep to it - fine but then be honest and tell the other party and give them an informed choice as to whether they want to stick around before they starts sharing bodily fluids with others.

Being dishonest/witholding such pertinent information can put your partner's (or partners') health at risk.

The number of people who cheat does call into question whether or not people in general are built for monogamy.

Who want to start a relationship built on lies, deceit and hurting other people?