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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

489 replies

LivelyHazel · 26/07/2026 14:11

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

OP posts:
BlackCat111 · 26/07/2026 14:26

I’ve known affairs lead to very happy and long marriages, people don’t want to hear that but sometimes the relationship you’re in isn’t the right one. Yes you absolutely should leave before having an affair but sometimes things happen, 2 people fall in love and want to be together. I think as long as both parties have the courage to leave their relationships, be honest about their feelings & accept the consequences of their actions rather than embarking on a long sneaky affair.

Jc2001 · 26/07/2026 14:25

Tinahowls · 26/07/2026 14:16

Guessing you haven’t told your kids how you got together?

Why on earth would they need to know anyway? It's not like they have half siblings or anything.

OneNaiceSnail · 26/07/2026 14:23

In what way ‘doomed’? You may stay together forever which I guess you may see as successful. He may spend the entire time fucking around behind your back like he did to his real family so I wouldn’t class that as a win

WhatAMarvelousTune · 26/07/2026 14:23

Maybe I’m misreading it, but I’m not sure why people think he also lied to her. She says she expected they’d both come to their senses and end it, but after a month she was surprised by him wanting to leave his wife.

My reading of it is that she knew exactly what she was doing.

AccidentallyOnTrend · 26/07/2026 14:23

I know of several 30+ year successful marriages that started as affairs (this isn’t a ‘reader, I was one of them’ post though.)

Thinking about them though there has definitely been a willingness to engage with the facts and an openness to do the repair work.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 26/07/2026 14:22

I also think it's perfectly possible to have a happy, faithful relationship that started as an affair - saying it isn't is really comforting to the cheated on, but that doesn't make it true. I don't know whether people think that no one is ever capable of change or growth, or that cheating is the only totally ingrained sin, but either way I don't believe that 'once a cheater always a cheater' is any more a law of nature than 'once a liar always a liar' (and no, my marriage didn't start as an affair!). I think that some people are compulsive cheaters, like some are compulsive liars, and will do it over and over. But I also believe that many people will lie or cheat in particular circumstances without it being particularly predictive of what they'll do in the future.

moonraker0 · 26/07/2026 14:22

My father has been married to my stepmother for over 30 years so it worked out for them. It caused a lot of damage at the time but if I’m honest I’ll never understand why he married my mother in the first place because they were not well suited.

Random321 · 26/07/2026 14:22

I know someone in a very similiar position to you.

They got together as an affair and are now married 12 years, 3 children and appear happy.

I know he's cheated on her at least twice since that I know off. I don't believe she has a clue.

I couldn't respect someone like that. I just couldn't and wouldn't be able to trust them.

I know everyone can cheat and there's always a risk but I wouldn't set myself up with someone who already has and expect them not to do it again.

Boxfrog · 26/07/2026 14:19

Well isn't it a fundamental flaw in someone's character if they are capable to cheat or not. I know myself no matter what, no matter how unhappy I could not bring myself to cheat, even a smidge. Some people can. That is who we are and it doesn't change imo

Tinahowls · 26/07/2026 14:18

I would slightly more understand your perspective if he hadn’t also epically lied to you!

Tinahowls · 26/07/2026 14:16

Guessing you haven’t told your kids how you got together?

takealettermsjones · 26/07/2026 14:16

Well, it worked out all right for Camilla 😁

I wouldn't have any respect for him though, so it wouldn't work for me.

TherW · 26/07/2026 14:16

Yeah I agree with you actually. I have a few friends and relatives whose marriages started off as affairs and they have been long and appparently happy. Real life doesn’t really seem to be reflected in Mumsnet though. There’s a narrative that anyone who has an affair is a terrible person and should go straight to hell. They will never be happy again and will cheat again etc etc.

Tinahowls · 26/07/2026 14:15

Woah… he kept this from you for a month

the level of deceit this chap is capable of… breathtaking