AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

It might not be straightforward. I used to think that way but now I know a lot of people are not well or have serious mental
heath issues, or even physical health issues that you can’t just walk out on. There could be children with additional needs. There could be that your child’s parent will end up homeless if you break up. There may be debts or negative equity. They might be afraid and fear for their lives. The partner might have additional needs themselves.

Even though it’s the rightest thing to do, to leave, it’s not the ‘easiest’ thing to do, and unfortunately that is the option most people go for. They weigh it up and decide to suit themselves.

it’s not just in relationships that people try to take the easiest route for themselves. Builders and another people do it too in many professions.

Also, most people having an affair think they are so good that will get away with it too. And also maybe they do not want to speak the truth and hurt someone they once loved ? Just pretend they can have both. There is a lot of procrastinators and deniers and people pleasers out there.

There is a million reasons and excuses but yes, a person should leave and walk out before starting another relationship. But life is not black and white.

And I would say no man is truly single. They always have something going on with someone.

You don't have to care but unfortunately you do have to accept that when you post a public opinion on a forum, people might respond to it. Seems pretty obvious it can't stand up to it, but that's because it's a silly position. If you don't want to engage, you're free to ignore. I would have thought someone who cared as little as you do would indeed do that.

are you the same op on the post about having an affair with her friend's husband? very similar writing style and apathy towards the affair in general.

I don't care what you think about my opinion and I don't care about your what about-ism. If someone doesn't want to engage with you, surely you can respect that and move on? Thank you so much.

What I'm doing is nothing shadowy or sinister. I'm saying it's a silly position to hold. It's an impossible hope, and it would mean there would be some benefit to the King's marriage failing now. There clearly isn't.

Nobody has suggested you aren't allowed to say it, for goodness sake, but you seem to be offended at someone responding to it.

I'm not really into doing whatever it is you're doing here.....I said what I said and it was mine to say. Find someone else to play with and have a good day!

Well, you can go on hoping for the impossible if you like. Do you think it would benefit anyone if the King and Queen's relationship fails now?

Would it make it any more or less devastating for someone to leave before an affair?

I've seen many people on here say they were just as blindsided and angry that their husbands could leave them for someone that they didn't even know very well or just wanted to explore a relationship with.

That wasn't the point of my comment.

I hope they are all doomed.

You must know that they aren't.

those who have affairs , if it happens to them they may then understand the pain. if your unhappy either work on it or leave. My DH had an affair and it hurts a lot and caused me so much more pain than if he had left when he supposedly noticed he was unhappy which is anything from 6 months before to years depending which version you believe. It has made me question my worth over and over and out whole marriage as in was this the first time ? how long etc . if he had left before yes it would have hurt but nothing like knowing about the lies , the deceit , the cheating etc

I have no stats to answer your question but I hope they are all doomed. No one should be happy or prosper through the intentional misuse of others, IMO.

why do these people not leave though, they can leave when they have the affair suddenly but not before ? makes no sense, leave before the affair and do everyone a favour including themselves

Totally agree with you

Leaving judgement and morals aside, for me personally it wouldn't work. I am very laid back and trusting and thats important to me. I have a lot of good male friends and am comfortable with my partner having female friends but if cheating had ever been a feature I just wouldn't be as relaxed and it would make me act out of character - there would always be that suspicion, knowing they were capable of and willing to be unfaithful.

That said i do know people who got together this way and seem very happy and secure - whether they really are who knows but they've certainly been together a good while and on thd face of it they seem to be.

I also know people who have stayed together after an affair on one side and it is a really hard thing to do. Even years later the suspicion levels are high, seeing how it affects them I wonder if its worth it but they seem to think so.

I know a guy who was married and so so unhappy, his wife had a lot of issues and there was no happiness there at all.
He tried to separate but it was so hard and he met someone else and had an affair. His family, although didn’t like his wife as she had always been so mean to them and to him, were devastated at his behaviour. They didn’t talk to him for ages. I would say a year!

But I met his sister there lately and this is a few years later and she said he is currently so very happy, he is a completely different person, his new partner is the right person for him but he went about it the wrong way.

Of course people who have cheated together can end up happy together.

If either of them has a moral compass, then perhaps not, because the guilt would probably get in the way and they would struggle to respect each other. But if neither of them is really the type to care about the impact that they have on other people, then for as long as they continue to meet each other's needs, then I'm sure it can work very well.

you might be right but I personally did not know these were ‘signs’. I had it in my head that ‘nobody was perfect’ as I certainly wasn’t!

I also did not live with him before getting married. This was the biggest mistake of all on my part. Thank goodness things have changed in the last 20 years and I don’t have to just accept it, I can make like a tree and leave.

I know of at least one couple who met through an affair and they have the most wonderful life together. They seems super happy and have kids and a grandchild now. Also, my dad and step mom were cheating and many years later they are very happy. Their previous relationships were awful.

@Sartre I don’t think people should continue to be held in a state akin to purgatory over a mistake made years before.

Oh FFS are we still pushing this "My affair was a mistake" crap?

Affairs aren't mistakes. Mistakes are forgetting to put out the wheelie bin for bin day or leaving your car keys in a shop.

Affairs are calculated, deliberate, chosen actions were two people make a conscious, selfish, decision to 'get together' with the express purpose of deceiving a third party. They involve planning, lying and gaslighting the third person who may be desperately trying to fathom out why their spouse/partner is behaving oddly.
Both are guilty, not just the 'attached' partner.

The fallout can wreck the lives of families and children and continue for years after the narcissistic pair have moved on. They are emotionally abusive.

No I don't think all relationships that began as affairs are doomed. I think affairs happen for a variety of reasons, some people have multiple affairs, some have an affair because they're unhappy and have basically already checked out of the marriage.

A student, 15yrs his junior oh but his wife didn't understand him and made him have a dc. How very original.

What a creep. He deserves all the judgement he gets.

Unfortunately I do not think they are all doomed. Having supported a very close friend through her husbands affair and her subsequent divorce I think it’s a shame. I judge the person that made the vows or is a long term partner and the affair partner.

I spoke to a colleague about his affair once purely because when I started working there I noticed some tension between him and other colleagues and wondered why. Turned out he’d had an affair with a PhD student (not one he was supervising) some years before who he’s still with to this day and about to marry. Colleagues are wary of him as a result because they have their principles regarding lecturers who sleep with current or former students. I understand this with current students for obvious reasons and much much younger ones, it is sleazy and unethical. I think she’s 15ish years his junior but they’re still together and seem happy enough so not my place to judge.

He explained his wife pressurised him into having a child after previously both agreeing not to have them. Their son was then profoundly autistic. Their marriage was in a bad place, he wasn’t sure how to get out because he felt so guilty leaving his DS behind in any way. The student provided escape from it all. He wasn’t proud of it but it had happened and he couldn’t change it. I don’t think people should continue to be held in a state akin to purgatory over a mistake made years before.

Oh it is, we just don't want to see it.