AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

My uncle left his wife for his affair partner 30 years ago and are still together. Her ex husband had already left for his affair partner before she met my uncle. They're still together. On the surface both couples appear content, but you can never know for sure how happy anyone is.

I don't agree with "Once a cheater always a cheater". People can make bad choices and regret them. Grow from the experience. Some people may go on to cheat again, but I think many don't.

Why do you think you were delusional 15 years ago?

We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

"Before I knew it"

What a copout. You mean "I took a very conscious decision to repeatedly have sex with a married man".

You very much knew it and yet 15 years on you still can't own it.

I shared this on the AMA about cheating but will post again as I think it's a good example which challenges the rhetoric of marrying the mistress creating a vacancy.

DH's grandma had an affair after 40yrs of marriage. She had multiple DC and grandchildren. Her DH was an alcoholic and controlling and she met a widower who showed her kindness and understanding. She wasn't able to leave immediately because of lots of factors, some of them fear, but after a short time she found the courage. She's been remarried for 25yrs and she found a happiness she deserves. She broke her vows yes but she had seen little to no love, honour, care or respect for decades and somebody offered her that in spades. Should she have left first? Of course. Do I understand why she felt she couldn't? Absolutely.

It was perfectly clear, no idea why people are misinterpreting what you said!

Yes I misread

She knew he was married but after a month was surprised that he was going to leave his wife!

Why do you think you were delusional?

you’ve been together 15 years… how can you be so sure it isn’t doomed?

She absolutely does not say that.

Obviously not every one of them is doomed, but the stats seem to show that only a very small percentage of affairs lead to long term primary relationships, and approximately 75% of those relationships fail. People who have cheated are also more likely to do so in future (potentially without being caught).

So yes, it seems a very small percentage of affairs work out (for the participants). But the overwhelming majority don't.

Oh ok so the Op did know he was married

I’m with you, OP.
DH & I are both on second marriages, with us both exceptionally unhappy in our first ones.
We were APs after a few years of work / friendship & although we slept together whilst married, it was only after we made a commitment to each other.
We’ve been together for over 20 years now.

Also - I didn’t read your post as if your DH had pretended not to be married,
rather that you had your eyes fully open to a no-strings affair, albeit one that some people wouldn’t agree with.

You don't know that about any relationship.

My marriage started as a fling/friends with benefits. We were both single but I certainly haven't told my kids that and won't - I imagine they'd be mortified! Similarly I can't imagine OP's kids will want or need to know that their parents started off as a fling, any more than they need to know that their dad was married at the time.

Wait , 15 years and he hasn't married you?!

I think you're being naive tbh, he's shown that he can easily be took by another woman regardless of his relationship status.

Yes it may work out, but judging by his past actions, lack of commitment to you I wouldn't hold my breath.

How do you know your relationship isn’t “doomed”?

It isn’t. My friend has been with her husband for 20+ years, it started as a no-strings affair and after 2 years he left his partner of 25 years (no kids) to be with her.

My ex is married to the other woman, 15 years later. From the accounts of others they are happy.

I imagine he does lie to her as was a compulsive liar and I don't think people who lie ever change.

Relationship might last and be happy but you both know that at least one party's capable of cheating. I dont see how that can be a good foundation for a relationship

I know several happy long term relationships or marriages that started off as affairs. Not condoning the actions, but sometimes you don’t realise that things aren’t right until there’s a connection with somebody else. Non of the people I know who have had affairs are inherently bad people
One of my first longer term partners had an affair and left me for her. No kids involved but at the time it was devastating. He ended up marrying her, and in hindsight they seem far better suited than we would have been.

Actually no, the OP says "he was married at the time" in the paragraph above the "after a month" bit...